Chapter 71: Hot Mess

This week has been a mess. It was a mess for a number of reasons. I guess the week really wasn’t a mess as much as I was a mess throughout the week. In some ways, I feel like I have been a mess for quite a while now. I feel like I have spent the past few months not being myself. Well, not exactly. I feel like I have spent the past few months completely stepping outside of myself and trying to become something else. I don’t really know how to explain that fully, but basically I feel like I kind of became frustrated with myself and my life as it was, so I tried to do a complete overhaul of it all with the plan to eventually wipe it all away and be something other than what I am. Looking at it now I kind of feel like, in some ways, that is what the whole California thing was about – trying to become something different than I am here. The flaw in that plan, though, was that I like what I am now. I don’t just like what I am now but I love what I am now. It has just been such a pattern throughout my life that once things stop feeling interesting or exciting I just want to leave them behind. The only problem is that I know better than that now. I know that the answer isn’t to just leave things behind, but to find ways to make them work; make them feel interesting and exciting again. Right now, I really feel that way about my life. I feel like things are kind of brand new, while still being what they were already. I feel like things are headed in the exact direction they need to be going in. For the first time in a very long time, I am really excited about my life here. That is a great feeling to have.

I can’t deny that there is still a part of me that wonders if I won’t regret not going to California but, at the same time, I think that is kind of the beauty of the situation. I had gotten myself so clear on the whole concept of moving to California, despite the fact that it was really a pretty flawed plan, that now that I have made my decision the idea of not going is just as scary as the idea of going. There are equal chances for regret whichever way I go. There are also equal chances for glory. I don’t know what it is exactly, but so much of the feelings of conflict and stress I was feeling before seem to have been alleviated now that I have decided to stay here. I really just feel like the things that I have been lacking, as a human being, can be gained here in a way they wouldn’t in LA. I don’t know that they would really be a focus if I moved out there. This is why I am not at all closed off to the idea of ending up out there in the long run, (in fact, I still kind of believe that I will,) but looking at the reality of my situation right now I just started feeling more and more like the time just isn’t right. As much as I am a very different, and much more grown up, person than I was when I lived there before, I still can’t help but feel like I am not actually ready for that type of life yet. California is a very different way of life than Sarasota, FL. When looking at some of the realities of my life here, it is definitely tempting to say that it is a BETTER way of life, but it’s best to just leave it at different. Either way, it is not a life that I am well equipped for at this point. As much as it may not, (or may, I don’t know,) I can’t deny that I have been in a pretty fragile state lately. I have talked in this blog a time or two about the feeling of being alone in life, and feeling like I can’t make a real connection with people. When I think about that part of myself, I can’t imagine stepping outside of the support system I have built here… at least, not yet.

One of my closest friends here said to me recently that he feels like there is a wall built up between us and that we can’t talk about things that are important in my life. This whole thing made me very sad because I know that it’s true. He can, and has, reached out to me with things that are important to him, but I just don’t do the same. It’s not a matter of feeling like I can’t approach him with things, or even a matter specific to him. In reality, the only person I really talk to regularly about the things that are really important to me is my Mom. Not my sister, not any of my other friends, just my Mom. Aside from my Mom, I probably talk to Whitney the most openly. Even with Whitney, in some ways, there is a certain barrier there. I’m not sure what exactly it is, but I think it is probably rooted in what I have always said is my life’s greatest struggle: Being taken seriously. I have never felt like anybody takes me all that seriously, sometimes not even my Mom. I think a part of why I don’t talk to people about the things that are important to me is because I feel like they will just look at them as something frivolous or dumb. I don’t know where that stems from exactly, but I think it has something to do with my sister. Growing up, my Dad wasn’t really around much and later in life, when he was around, he couldn’t really be viewed as any type of authority figure. My Mom, who is really my best friend in this world, has also never really been a strong authoritative figure in my life. For a very long time, I didn’t really have any authoritative figure, which would certainly explain a lot of my behaviors throughout my teen years and such. Somewhere in my teen years, though, my sister and I became closer than we ever had been growing up and she kind of became my “father figure.” In our younger years, my sister and I really had a sort of competitive relationship, because we excelled at all of the same things; we both sing, we both write, we are both performers. In those teen years, when she kind of took me under her wing, we basically had the same group of friends and spent most of our time together. During this period, she was very flippant about my passions for music and performing. She always treated it like I was just being some silly, absent-minded kid. It is understandable, too, because at the time I spent the majority of my life being silly, absent-minded and acting like a kid. Music is the most important factor in my life. It is at the center of everything I do. It is the inspiration behind every move I make. Because of this, having it treated in a flippant way and not be taken serious by someone who was such an important part of my life probably did more damage than even I have realized. I wonder if that was the point when I stopped talking to people about things that I felt passionate about. I don’t know. I don’t want to make it out like I am blaming my sister, though. In fact, a little later in our lives she actually kind of explained to me why she acted that way about it all. I remember it very well, actually.

One night, when she and I were living with our father in Joshua Tree, CA, we were out at the Beatnik Café. Joshua Tree is a run down little township between Yucca Valley and 29 Palms, deep in the heart of the desert. The town consisted of two main roads, and only had a handful of businesses operating in it. It was one of those cities where you had to drive a half hour to go grocery shopping or anything of that nature. The one thing they did have was a national park, which, living there, we NEVER visited and it really just drew in tourists, who wouldn’t actually stay in Joshua Tree. It also had a U2 album named after it, which I was thoroughly unimpressed with. I hate U2. Anyway, the Beatnik Café was a little café on one of those main roads that really put a focus on showcasing local artists and musicians. The Beatnik Café is also the place where I really got my first taste of performing my own music on their open mic nights, which actually drew pretty massive crowds, (at least, massive crowds for Joshua Tree.) It was a great little place, and pretty much all of my good memories of living in Joshua Tree took place there. Anyway, one really slow night Amber and I were sitting at the bar, which we didn’t normally do, and kind of started talking about music and how it was what I wanted to do with my life and she was being flippant about it again. I kind of confronted her about it and she said something really interesting. She told me that she only acted that way because she felt like it was an unrealistic dream and I was wasting my time focusing on that when I could be pursuing things that would be easier for me to achieve. She said that I should pursue writing, which is something that she felt I was better at. While I disagree, I certainly understand why she acted the way that she did. She still acts that way, and I don’t get upset about it anymore because I, at least, understand her reasoning behind it. It’s interesting, too, because Amber and I were very competitive with things growing up, especially as far as singing and performing and such. There was another time, also back when we lived in Joshua Tree, that she actually told me that she felt like I was better at it all. The major difference between she and I, though, is that she loves music and she loves performing and getting attention and all of that, (and I think our competitiveness about it was more of a bonding tool than anything else,) but she never actually felt passionate about it. It was never something that she intended to pursue or anything, like I do. It’s kind of a shame, in some ways, because she is actually really good. It is funny that I am even telling that story right now, actually, because just the other day Whitney was asking if I had ever thought about pursuing writing as opposed to music. I guess, much like Amber with music, it is something I am told I am good at and definitely something I enjoy, but it isn’t something I have ever felt a passion for.

In any sense, I feel terrible about the fact that my friend feels like there is a wall up between us. I feel terrible that there is a wall up between us. I am not sure what I can do about it, but another big part of why I am staying here in Florida is to figure it out and solve it. I have kind of come to realize that maybe the reason I haven’t ever been able to move forward in pursuing my music career is because this wall I have up between myself and everyone else isn’t only blocking me from making a real connection with people but is also blocking me from making a real connection to my music. That doesn’t explain it properly, I don’t think. It’s not like I don’t have a connection to my music; I definitely do. It’s more like if I can’t make a connection to the people in my life and the people I meet, how can I make a connection to people who I don’t know, like the people who I hope will be listening to the music. I don’t know how to articulate that properly but I kind of feel like if I can’t get myself to be a complete and open person on a personal level I won’t be able to become a complete and open person on a professional level, and what good is music if it isn’t open? If I can’t make a connection to the people and the experiences I am writing the music about, how can it ever come across as being genuine or real? THAT is why I need to stay here in Sarasota. I need to learn how to make it work here, with the people surrounding me now… because honestly, the people are pretty great and I don’t want to just move on from them all and find yet another whole new group of people. As much as I have always said that it wouldn’t be the case, I don’t know how sure I can be about that. I’ve said that before about other groups of people, and really believed it at the time. Plus, I have used the term “starting over” many times about the whole concept of moving to California, but I kind of feel like I have really come too far here and made too much progress with myself to throw it all away and “start over.” Like I said in yesterday’s blog, and the day before, looking at it all now I really feel like the stronger, more courageous thing for me to do is actually to stay here and deal with the life that I have made for myself. I have run away from too many other people and too many other lives in the past, but I am actually happy with this one overall, no matter how much I may have gotten frustrated with it or really honestly believed I absolutely hated it. Christmas Eve comes to mind. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were honestly two of the darkest days I have had in years. Still, they passed and I have come to realize that those times are there for a reason. Like Madonna said in the song “The Power Of Goodbye,” “Pain is a warning that something’s wrong.” I feel like my life the past few months has had a lot of pain in it, in a way that I never really expressed to anybody, and moving to California was the easiest, most apparent answer I could come up with. It was, in many ways, just another chance for me to run away. I am determined, though, not to repeat the same patterns I have made all throughout my life. After all, Webster’s defines crazy as “repeating the same actions expecting different results.” Now is the time to attempt different actions.

So, I may be a mess right now but I won’t be forever. Even if I am, I will find a way to be a fucking hot mess! I mean hot mess in a good way, like a mess that is totally hot, not just a hot mess. This closing is certainly a sign that I should go to bed now. Tomorrow? Good friends over to hang out tomorrow night, which means tomorrow during the day I need to be cleaning the house. It is really kind of a hot mess, in the bad way. Then I have to kind of explain to them my reasoning behind changing my mind about California. These friends have kind of been the biggest supporters of the whole idea, and while I don’t feel like I owe anybody any kind of explanation, I do feel the need to try to make them understand how I feel about all of this. I’m excited just to hang out with my friends, either way. It’s been a little while. I’m just really excited for my life right now. I really feel like I am going to manage to make it great. Whether or not I ever wind up back in LA, I know that my life is going to reach greater heights than I can even imagine right now… even if I am a hot mess.

Chapter 70: Incomplete

Okay, so for the past few days I have kind of deviated from the whole “discussing my day,” type of thing in the blog in favor of focusing on major issues I have been having in my life. The blog has been examining a much broader perspective than it usually does these past few days. That is both a good thing and a bad thing at the same time, I think. Those past couple blogs have been immeasurably helpful in sorting out some things in my mind, and have helped me make one of the biggest decisions I have had to make in my life. They also helped me to devise a plan of action for what to do with that decision. Writing those past few blogs have really been the best way to really sort through all of my thoughts on the matter, and I feel extremely grateful to be able to say that I have made an informed, realistic decision, taking into consideration both what I know my life is meant to be and what my life is realistically.

So, what have I decided? I have decided that I am NOT moving to California in May. This is not to say that I won’t move back to California in the future, but I have come to realize that this isn’t the right decision for me right now. Not only is it not the right decision for ME right now but, as much as I have said that I need to be selfish about the whole thing, it is also not the right decision for the people around me. That mainly means my Mother. As I said before, I know that she would be able to get by just fine without me here but I also know that it would make things a LOT different for her and would have a lot of negative impact on her life. She has done so much for me in my life that it would just feel completely wrong to leave her in the lurch. Every time I talked to her about the whole thing she would say things like, “I don’t want to stop you from chasing your dreams.” The thing I have come to understand, though, is that my dreams are not something I need to chase; they are something that I already have. They are inside me. What I need is to find a way to access them. I already feel like I am making pretty great strides towards that. Admittedly, they aren’t really great strides, but they are strides in the right direction. The point is, I can achieve my dreams from right here. I don’t actually need to go anywhere. Plus, I have always said that I want to make them happen organically. I want to create my life for myself. I want to create my dreams. I don’t want to find them anywhere outside of myself. Looking at it like that, it makes so much more sense to stay where I am. Plus, I have some plans in mind that could make it all so much sweeter.

My plans for my income tax previously were to not file it until April or so, and put it towards the move. Now that said move is not going to take place I essentially have a little chunk of money coming to me that I need to find ways to use. Don’t get me wrong most of it will go towards things like making sure my cell phone bill remains current. I also plan on using about $250 to pay off my dental bills, mainly so I can go back to the dentist and get more done inside my mouth. There are still a few issues in there, (basically just cavities,) and I would like to go get them all taken care of. Plus, I would feel bad if I just left that unpaid when I know I will have the cash to take care of it. I am assuming that I will be getting back something along the lines of $600-800. The only other plan I have for that, aside from my cell phone and dentist bills, is to buy a camera. Not just any camera, though, but the fancy new Sony Bloggie. This camera is basically made specifically for use with things like YouTube, Facebook, Twitvid, blogs, etc. No, I don’t plan on trying to become some sort of YouTube celebrity or anything, (that would be my friend Nate’s territory,) but there are two different things that I want this camera for. First of all, once I actually have a good deal of songs written, (probably after this blog is completed,) I would like to use YouTube to kind of showcase some of my music and put it out into the world. You see a lot of different artists who have really made an impact that way and, if I am planning on doing this “grass-roots” style, this is definitely a tool I could use for that. The other reason is a concept I came up with fairly recently for something to do once the blog is finished. Essentially, I want to film moments from the remainder of this story of one year and create a short film of sorts out of them. The idea I have would be kind of an amalgamation of a year’s worth of life, set to some of the music I write, reminiscent of Mark’s film at the end of “Rent,” except not an actual film. It would serve more as a music video, or a teaser trailer for the record I put together. Also, I just think it would be cool to have something to capture these moments in my life. Any remaining money from that would go towards music lessons, although I plan on taking music lessons even if there is no remaining money. It’ll take some small sacrifices, but taking music lessons would be well worth taking away from the little bit of cash I have after paying rent and bills and such. I look at music lessons as less of a luxury and more of a major investment in my future.

“American Idol” is back. I could try to deny it, but I love that show. I have planned to go audition every year since the first season, but never have. Watching the auditions this year has really lit a bit of a fire under my ass and I am beginning to think about it again for next season. The reason I didn’t wind up going for this current season is because I had these ideals about not wanting to be famous and things like that, but recent Adam Lambert interviews have really made me put a little more thought into that. While I don’t really have the desire to be famous what I do have the desire for is to acquire a fan base. In the music industry and what it has become in recent years, people aren’t really “discovered” anymore. An artist doesn’t become discovered by a label and then put out in the market to develop a fan base anymore; they kind of have to develop a fan base for themselves in order to get the attention of labels. There are a few different ways that people can do this. For example, Jay Brannan appeared in a film, “Shortbus,” in which he basically played a version of himself and performed some of his own music. Along with that film came a fan base. Schuyler Fisk took a similar path, except that she was actually an actress and appeared in many films before making the move into music. Lori McKenna self-produced, recorded and released music for a few years before her music was heard by Faith Hill, who wanted to cover a few of her songs and co-write a few others with her. That brought a lot of fans in, especially after Faith took her on tour with her and, more importantly, took her on Oprah with her. Adam Lambert, on the other hand, went on “American Idol.” That has worked out amazingly well for him. I don’t necessarily want the same type of career or following that he has, but I really like the way “American Idol” has turned out for Katharine McPhee. She is somebody who I would like to have a career like, (minus the misguided film work and Japanese airline commercials.) Even people like Jim Varraros have managed to make decent careers out of “American Idol.” I honestly don’t know how far I could really get in that whole process, but you never know until you try, right?

Either way, “American Idol” or not, I really feel like I have got a pretty solid plan for making big things happen for me if I stay here. Even more, I feel like I have a pretty solid plan for making things happen for myself organically from here, and I like that idea better than anything else. Like I said before, what I want more than anything is to put in the work and really earn these things for myself. Like Madonna said in the song “Easy Ride” from her “American Life” album, “I want the good life, but I don’t want an easy ride, what I want is to work for it.” That is really how I feel right now. I don’t want anything to fall into my lap or just come to me. I want to make things happen for me, not have things happen to me. Plus, I don’t know if I’ve stressed enough here how big a factor my friends and family here are in my decision not to leave. Just before I decided to move I also started feeling a great big disconnect from all of them. Not to say that the plan to move to California was ever about running away from that problem, but it was more about giving up on trying to fix it. I know that the decision to stay here may come across to some people as me giving up on something, but I have really come to feel like leaving would be the bigger form of giving up. I’d rather give up on a misguided quest for a lifestyle I don’t even necessarily really want at the end of the day than give up on trying to mend my connection with people that I care about. Plus, as I keep saying here, Jay Brannan still lives in a rent-controlled apartment in New York. Lori McKenna still lives in Stoughton, Mass. I can achieve what they have achieved and still live in Sarasota, FL. That is one of the beauties of the music industry these days; you can make a name for yourself and forge a career from anywhere. My dreams are in my reach just as much from here as they are from LA. Plus, I kind of have more of a chance at them from here. That movie I watched recently, “Spread,” talked about the fact that the arrivals and departures gates at LAX are on different floors, and said that this may be so that all the fresh-faced, bright eyed kids arriving with big dreams of making a name for themselves don’t see the hoards of worn-down, shattered kids there are departing to return to their hometowns having not made it. I don’t want to be either of those kids. I want to be the kid who can manage to make a name for himself from right where he is. THAT is my dream. All of the benefits of LA that I have been considering have come to seem a lot less beneficial than they did before. I will always love that city, it will always be my home and I don’t doubt that I’ll end up back there eventually, but right now it feels like I need to remind myself that, like Tom Waits said, “Anywhere I lay my head, I’m going to call my home.”

To end this blog, though, I am reminded of a song by Alanis Morissette that says, “I have been running, so sweaty, my whole life desperate for a finish line, I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete.“ That is how I feel right now. I have been focusing so much on the finish line that I have neglected to recognize the beauty in the fact that the finish line doesn’t actually exist. As humans we are constantly changing, growing and evolving. As soon as you achieve one goal or dream, another will arise. There is always more to achieve. We are never done. I will never be done. There will always be something else for me to strive for, and that is a beautiful thing. Right now, that is the most beautiful feeling I can imagine and I am grateful to feel it.

“Ever unfolding, ever expanding, ever adventurous and torturous, but never done.”

Chapter 69: Stars

There are a lot of different places I turn for answers to the questions life may throw my way but nine times out of ten, the answers can be found in music. There are a lot of different artists I will turn to, with vast catalogs of music to sift through. Sometimes I will just select a random artist I am feeling connected to at the moment, like Madonna, Liz Phair, Alanis Morissette, Jewel, Sarah McLachlan, Sheryl Crow, etc., and just put all of their music on a shuffle and wait for something to come to me. This is what I am doing tonight. So, who is the artist of the evening? Kylie Minogue. Kylie Minogue is one of my favorite musical artists of all time. She is, at least, in my top five. I love the fact that she, like Madonna, manages to make pop music with spirit and meaning to it. She is a brilliant talent, and every bit as deserving of accolade as Madonna or any of those other divas that have achieved Icon status. Tonight, she is also where I am turning to for answers.

The first track to play in this shuffle is one of my favorites of hers, and one that has really spoken to me a lot in the past, called “Stars.” The chorus of this song says, “You never know what you’ll find because stars don’t shine in singular places.” That line holds a lot of weight for me right now, with the big question on my mind right now: Should I stay or should I go? “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” is actually a song by The Clash that Kylie covered on her “Intimate & Live” DVD concert. That is not the focus right now. That song asks the question, but it does not answer it. “Stars” definitely puts things in perspective, though. I have been so focused on moving to LA and making things happen for me there that I have lost sight of the fact that, should I stay here in Florida, I can make things happen just as well for me here. Stars don’t only shine in California. Stars can shine anywhere. Stars can shine right here in Sarasota, FL. What is a star, anyway? A star is a source of Light, and Light is what I am looking to achieve. Is there opportunity for Light in LA? Immensely. Is there just as much opportunity for Light here? Absolutely. In some ways, I kind of feel like running off to California would be the biggest form of copping out that I could perform right now. I was talking to my Mom about the fact that I was kind of feeling alienated from all of my friends and family here when the whole concept of moving to California came up and I began charging full speed ahead with the idea. While I certainly feel that it would be a big step for me to take and could lead to a lot of wonderful things, I also kind of feel like it would be a way of running away from all the people and the job and everything I don’t really know how to deal with here right now. It would be just like when I moved here in 2002, or when I left here in 2003, or when I moved to Arkansas in 1998. Essentially, it has been a pattern for me to just completely overhaul my entire life and start all over again. Like the Carrie Underwood song I referenced in last night’s blog, “I’ve always been a quitter.” I don’t want this pattern to keep repeating. I kind of feel like sticking it out here and figuring out how to deal with all the people and the job and all those other things would be the real way to connect to the Light. Again, though, there are immense opportunities for Light whichever way I go. Stars are shining over LA just as much as they are shining over Sarasota, FL.

The song playing now is another favorite Kylie song of mine, called “Please Stay,” from her album “Light Years.” This song also has a chorus that speaks to me in a lot of ways right now. “Please stay, my babe, who knows when we’ll dance again? I don’t want to know regret, I’ll do all that I can just to get you to stay.” The specific part of that line that has always gotten to me is the part where she says “I don’t want to know regret.” I feel very fortunate at this point in my life to be able to say that I honestly do not know regret. I really don’t want to start now. As much as there is immense opportunity for Light whichever way I go, there is also immense opportunity for regret. If I stay here, I could wind up forever regretting not taking this chance and going to California now, but if I go I would probably carry a lot of regret about not sticking it out and trying to make it work here. The more I think about it the more I kind of feel like as many times as I have just picked up and moved across the country in the past, it almost seems like that would be the less scary option. Plus, clearly all those times starting over in the past haven’t gotten me to where I need to be. Maybe the real answer is to just stop running away and actually try to make it work and make things happen for myself where I am.

I have this friend who I used to work with at Borders, the first time I worked there, who was also a musician. He was a really cool guy and we were pretty cool with each other. I still run into him every now and then. This guy still lives here in Sarasota, still works a normal job, still lives the life that he always has, but he also started a band called The Cautioners, and their debut album is on iTunes right now. They’ve played a bunch of shows here in town and are really making great strides towards getting a foot in the door. Plus, their album is absolutely amazing. This guy has become a huge inspiration to me because he is doing exactly what I want to do. I was talking to my Mom about all of this and our conversation kind of made me realize that I have kind of lost sight of my actual goals. In my very first post on this blog, called “Ordinary People,” I talked about my goals and how I wanted to just be an ordinary person and live an ordinary life while making music and doing extraordinary things. I have always wanted to live my life that way. I didn’t want to be a celebrity. I didn’t want to be a part of the Hollywood scene. I didn’t want to be superficial. That lifestyle works out really well for some people, my best friend being one of them, but it is not the life I am meant to lead. In the midst of the whole concept of moving to LA, I found myself getting caught up in all of those ideas and all of those things I have always known I didn’t want to do with my life. They are certainly appealing, and would definitely be a fun place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to make it my permanent way of life. I talked to my friend Whitney last night about all of this, too, and was saying that I just know that if I do move out there I will become a different person. Not an entirely different person, of course, but so much of my personality and my views would probably change. I would probably become more like Don. I love him and he is an amazing person, but I don’t really want that for my life. What I want for my life is to be like Lori McKenna or Jay Brannan or Chantal Kreviazuk. I want to make music and be successful enough to live fairly comfortably, but keep my anonymity. I want to be an ordinary person who creates extraordinary music and, even more, makes an extraordinary impact on people’s lives; the same type of impact that Jay Brannan or Lori McKenna or Chantal Kreviazuk have in mine. The more I think about it, the more it seems clear that I should stay. At the same time, though, that is exactly how I felt about going before. I think facing the realities of what my life could be there and what it could be here has really changed my mind about a lot of things.

So, if I stay here, what do I do to make sure that it is worth it? First of all, I think a very important thing would be to keep all of my current goals, minus the California one. I still want to learn how to drive. I still need to learn how to play the keyboard properly. I still need to make a record out of this very blog. None of those things will be given up if I stay here. They are just as important to my life staying here as they are to my life out there. Plus, if I am not focusing on saving money for when I leave, I can put that money towards some other important things. One thing I want to put my money towards is piano lessons. There is this website that I have had bookmarked on my Google Chrome for ages now that is a place called Schumann Music Works. Schumann Music Works is a professional studio here in the area, and the guy who owns the studio also happens to offer lessons. His whole setup seems very professional and he just sounds like an all-around nice guy, so I am thinking that I may contact him in reference to setting up lessons. They’re not all that expensive and would be well worth the cost. I have said many times here that I am catching on to the keyboard really well, but I also realize that I lack the actual skill to make good use of it. It’s like I have a natural ability, but I don’t really know how to apply it and make something tangible out of it. Lessons would definitely help with that. Learning how to drive would also make a huge difference in my life, no matter where I go. Whether I stay here or move out there, I need to learn how to be self-sufficient and a large part of that is being able to get myself from place to place without having to rely on anybody else for a ride or anything. That way I could leave work and go get lunch during the day if I want to. I could get to and from work every day without having to be concerned with whether or not I have a way. I could see my friends more often and work on building those real connections I keep talking about. Transportation has been a big obstacle in all of my inter-personal relationships, because I don’t have the option of just popping in to see people and such without making a big production of it. That is definitely still something I need to work on. Then, of course, there is the whole concept of making a record out of this blog. Schumann Music Works could be a big help in that process, too, considering it is an actual professional studio. Their rates for studio time are extremely reasonable and with a little bit of saving, once the songs are written, I could easily afford some time in the studio to record. See, right there, I have devised a bit of plan of action to make things happen for me right here in Sarasota. Plus, then I could still help my Mom. I wouldn’t have to worry about any of my friends or family here being without the emotional support I try my best to provide them with. I also wouldn’t have to be without the emotional support they have all provided me with. Most of all, though, staying here would give me the opportunity to correct the things that are wrong with my life here that have become so evident. Staying here I could find the resolution to that feeling I keep having, the feeling of being so alone.

No matter what I do, though, I know one thing: I will find the Light. There is a world full of Light that I know is intended for me, and whatever happens I will find it. It isn’t only in LA. It isn’t only here in Sarasota. It is anywhere I go. It is inside of me. It will be my own creation. Like Kylie says, “You never know what you’ll find, because stars don’t shine in singular places.” She is absolutely right about that. Stars don’t shine in singular places. Stars shine in ALL places… you just have to work to find them. Kabbalah teaches that the things we have to work to achieve are the only things truly worth having… and that really makes me feel that the answer is clear: I shouldn’t run from what I have here, I should work to make it better. I should work to make it all become Light. I should work to make it all become Stars.

Chapter 68: What If I Stay?

Okay, so I am getting to a late start again tonight. Hopefully this will not wind up going the same way as last night’s blog. I had some really big, interesting ideas that I really wanted to discuss in last night’s blog, but they were all but forgotten by the time it ended. It was ridiculous. That’s almost worse than the night that the blog was lost and I just wound up posting like two paragraphs about how much it sucked that the blog was lost. There was also at least one interesting event that took place yesterday, which tied into the big ideas I wanted to discuss, that I never wound up getting to. I think it may have been because I was using my Mom’s laptop and lying down in my bed writing it. It’s just crazy… I can’t remember ever feeling as exhausted as I did last night. I wound up sleeping well, though, so that’s always a good thing.

Anyway, I figure I should start tonight’s blog off talking about the things I didn’t get to in last night’s blog. First of all, the thing that kind of inspired the whole concept was the Heidi Montag album, “Superficial.” As I mentioned in last night’s blog, the title is extremely appropriate. The album is full of tracks that talk about how great it is to be rich and famous and sexy. In fact, the chorus of the title track says it in a very direct way, “They say I’m superficial, some call me a bitch, they’re just mad cause I’m sexy, famous and rich.” It doesn’t get much more direct than that. Now, I have to say right up front that when the whole concept of Heidi Montag as a musician first came up, I absolutely loved it. In fact, the group of 10 or so songs that leaked at the time became some of the most frequently played on my iPod at the time. I was never disillusioned enough to actually try to claim that it was great music, or that she was some brilliant artist, but they were fun, catchy, pop songs and I have always been a sucker for that sort of thing, (although, I’d be remiss not to mention that the song “Fashion,” which was written and eventually released by Lady Gaga, is an absolutely brilliant song and I actually prefer the Heidi version to the Gaga one any day of the week.) So, with all those songs that leaked and that I loved, I was very excited and anxious for an actual album from her. It took a very long time, but today that album was finally released, (it leaked yesterday.) I have to admit that I was pretty underwhelmed by it. I also have to admit, though, that this is not because it isn’t a decent album, or at least an album that delivers exactly what is expected. The issue seems to be that in the time that it took for the album to actually get released, I have changed. If this were a year and a half ago, I would have heard the above mentioned lyrics to “Superficial” and really related to them and made that song my personal anthem. Now it just falls kind of flat to me. Now I can see it for what it actually is; exactly what it labels itself as, “Superficial.” For some reason, though, that simply doesn’t appeal to me the way that it did before. I will say, though, that taking the album for exactly what it is, it is actually pretty good. It is considerably better than I expected, actually… it’s just not really saying anything. Before I explore that concept further, let me just mention a few tracks that I am pretty impressed by. First of all, the song I mentioned in last night’s blog, (and named last night’s blog after,) “Black Out.” “Black Out” is one of the more recent leaked songs from Heidi, and one of my favorite songs she has ever recorded. It kind of reminds me of something that could have been on Paris Hilton’s album, (which I will not back down on calling a highly underrated pop gem.) It has that same “dance with a guitar” vibe that the best tracks on Paris’ album had, a sound that I absolutely love. The lyrics are pretty simple, as all the lyrics on Heidi’s album are, about just wanting to get away from the rest of the world and enjoy some time with the person you love. Another track that is actually really great is “My Parade,” which is just reiterating a classic concept, best done by Barbara Streisand in “Funny Girl,” in the classic song “Don’t Rain On My Parade.” Still, Heidi’s “My Parade,” while not being comparable by any means, is a solid dance/pop song. Other favorites are “Look How I’m Doing,” “Twisted,” “Hey Boy,” and “Love It Or Leave It.” The only problem with this album is that there isn’t a single track that is saying anything that hasn’t already been said in a much more interesting way. Still, on the surface or on a superficial level, it is a pretty good album. It really came as a surprise to me that I didn’t really love this album. I couldn’t figure out why I wouldn’t be as into these songs as I was all of those songs that leaked before. This collection of songs are not just the same as all of those old songs, but are actually considerably better in most cases. Still, none of them really grabbed me and I know that pretty much all of them would have been “my jam” a year and a half ago. It was pretty odd.

A little later that evening, part of the reason why I started last night’s blog so late and wound up getting so loopy, I got a call from my best friend, Don. We were on the phone for a good 90 minutes or so, just shooting the shit and catching each other up on what is going on in our lives. As I had expected, Don was very excited by the whole idea of me moving back to California, and it was a really great feeling having my best friend on board with the idea. As the conversation wore on, though, I found myself confronted with some of the fears I have had about moving back to California. I have talked more than a few times in this blog about my concerns about the fact that Don and I lead such different lives nowadays. Well, in talking for 90 minutes a lot of those differences became pretty evident. It was really odd to talk to Don about life, about pop culture and the stuff that Don and I both love talking about. We both still enjoy talking at length about music and celebrities and things of that nature, but it seems our views on these things have gotten to a point where they are completely different. One thing that worries me a lot is the fact that talking to Don for so long last night, in some ways, was a similar feeling to listening to the Heidi Montag album. It’s fun and enjoyable, and has it’s fair share of great tracks, but as a whole I just don’t vibe on it like I know I would have at a different point in my life. Unlike the Heidi Montag album, though, I know this is something I have to actually confront head on. This is my best friend in the entire world and the one person who has stuck by my side through absolutely everything. In fact, comparing him to the Heidi Montag album is straight up wrong. He is NOT like the Heidi album at all. Sure, he may be kind of superficial, but he also has a million amazing qualities about him. He is still completely appealing to me. The thing that I don’t find as appealing isn’t him, but his lifestyle. I don’t have to take part in his lifestyle to take part in him and his life, though. This does make it sound kind of like his lifestyle is some crazy, drug-fueled mess, and that is not the case at all. Let me be clear about that. Don just is a club person nowadays. He works in a bar, he spends his off time hanging out in bars, drinking, dancing and living a generally wild and crazy life. That is awesome, and is perfectly suited to him. That is not very well suited to me, though. Like I told him on the phone, though, I also kind of feel like I do need to get out more. I need to spend more time outside of the house. I need to go out and have a few drinks, dance and have some wild and crazy times myself. It seems like it’s been so long. I think living back in California will actually work out really well for that. Don can come up to LA or I can go down to Palm Springs and have just that type of crazy night, but I don’t have to do it all the time. I could probably figure out a good balance between the way of life I enjoy now, spending time at home and enjoying my own company as well as going out and being a part of the crowd. I have nothing to be afraid of, as far as that goes. Don and I still have the connection we always had. We just live different lives. All of my friends live very different lives than I do. I don’t know why I have been so concerned about this.

All of the stuff mentioned above got me thinking about a lot of different things. The biggest thing it made me think about, though… I don’t even want to admit it, honestly. I have always said, though, that this blog is about being completely honest with myself and with anybody who ends up reading it. What this really made me think about the most is one question that has been on my mind more than I care to admit lately: What if I stay? What would happen if I just changed my mind and decided to stay here in Florida? The main reason behind the decision to move to California is to pursue my career in music. I can do that from here. I have always known that I could do that from here. I don’t know what it is that has stopped me from doing it all this time, or if it would continue to stop me if I stayed here. I don’t think it would, though. One thing about this whole experience (the “visions” that I had, the signs that I saw, all of it,) is that it has opened a floodgate in my mind. All of these things, all of the dreams I have had, are out there now and can never be put away. I have seen the road that I meant to take. I have, at least, seen the destination. I know what my life is meant to be… but will the end result be changed if the road there is? Even talking about this right now feels like a huge cop out. It feels like I am letting my fear control me. Now that I have started looking at it in a more concrete way, it is really freaking me out. There are so many factors that could cause the whole concept to crumble. There are just as many factors that could cause the whole concept to lift up and take flight, and reach heights I have only imagined. Kabbalah teaches that the path of most resistance is always the way to the Light. While it seems that the obvious path for that would be the one that leads me back to California, at the same time I can’t imagine my life changing at all if I just stay here. Which of those is scarier, or more uncomfortable? Which of those is more difficult? Which of those is the way to the Light? Clearly there are chances for Light along both of these paths, but could these two paths ever possibly lead to the same place? Music is the meaning in my life. Music is what I was placed here on earth to do. Music is absolutely every part of who I am and what I want my life to be. Moving to California is a big, scary, uncomfortable concept and there are so many ways it could all go up in smoke, but at the end of the day I do believe that it will lead me to the life that I have dreamt of since I was a child. Think of it that way, doesn’t that almost make it seem like the easier way? Staying here, I have absolutely no idea what my life would become. Managing to find inspiration and turn my life into what I want here could possibly be an even more difficult, scary, uncomfortable concept. I don’t know. I never imagined that this whole thing would ever possibly become a gray area, but gray is all I can seem to see right now. At this point, though, I am still completely dedicated to moving to California, no matter how much it may scare me. It just seems so much like staying here would be taking the easy way out… and like going would be taking the easy way out, as well. They are both equally easy and equally difficult at the same time. I’m not sure which one is right. I don’t know what I am supposed to do.

Once again, I really feel completely alone in this world right now. My connections to the people around me, both literally and figuratively, feel like they are hanging on by strings. My friends here are all moving on with their lives, doing wonderful things for themselves. It feels like they are moving on and doing these wonderful things without me… and why shouldn’t they? After all, I am planning on moving on and doing wonderful things without them… but they’ll all still be there with me. I’m sure I’m still there with them, as well. It just gets difficult to see sometimes. Like I said, I just feel completely alone right now. I know that I am not alone. I know that people care about me. I know that people love me. I know that people are thinking of me. I also know that all these feelings of being left out or not thought of are because of my own actions. I don’t reach out to people, so why should I expect them to reach out to me? I don’t make the effort, so why should I expect them to make the effort for me? I live in a world that is pretty much completely inside of my own head. I let other people come visit, but nobody has ever been allowed a permanent stay. Not even Don, in some ways. He has always been there, but I always wind up stepping away from him. Like that Carrie Underwood song says, “I’ve always been a quitter.” It is absolutely true. I have never stuck around with people; not friends, not family, not anybody. In some ways, it seems like staying here would be a way of confronting all of those things that I have always struggled with, like forming long-lasting, strong relationships with people. It almost seems like these two different paths lead to two very different places. Going to California would be all about shaking up my entire life and taking a giant risk to try to make my dreams come true, while staying here would be about trying to correct the things that have always been wrong with my life. Those things, most likely, wouldn’t be a major focus in California… but would making my dreams come true be a major focus amongst those other things here? Is it possible to have both? I have always believed that it wasn’t, and I have always felt I was clear on which I would choose if it came down to one or the other; Music or people has always seemed like a no-brainer to me. At the same time, though, can the music ever really mean anything without making a genuine connection with people? It’s not to say that the connections I have with people now are not genuine, they just aren’t as full as they could be. I am forever holding something back. I don’t allow myself to let people see me fully, and I don’t allow myself to fully grow attached to anybody. Still, the people in my life right now, my family and my friends here, seem worth making the effort to try to let them all the way in and allow myself to really become attached. I just can’t believe that I am even sitting here considering this. Like I said before, music is every part of my life and who I am as a person. Before I am Jason Davis/Jason Michalchek, before I am a man, before I am a homosexual, before I am some kind of freak, before I am a human being, I am a songwriter. It is the very core of my being. There is not a single person, place, thing or idea in this world that means more to me than that. If I were to stay, why would that change? Why wouldn’t I be able to just make sure that I stay focused on that? Why wouldn’t I be able to forge real connections with the people around me while still focusing on my dreams of making music? I feel so fucking lost right now. I don’t know what to do. I have absolutely no idea which direction I am supposed to go in anymore. I am so fucking scared of making the wrong decision with my life. No matter what decision I may make on this, or anything else for that matter, I refuse to allow myself to wind up in a life where I do not achieve my goals of making music, and making a difference in people’s lives. I just feel so fucking lost on what I should do at this point.

I feel way too flippant and careless saying this, but I suppose we’ll see what happens. It is after 1am right now, though, and I absolutely must be getting to bed. I suppose the answers will become clear to me somewhere along the way. I’ve still got 5 months before anything is supposed to take place… I’ll just have to think long and hard about it all and look for any signs the Universe has for me. No matter what happens, though, I know that the Universe is still working in my favor and I can absolutely trust that it will show me the right direction to take. For now, though, bed is the only place I need to go.

Chapter 67: Black Out

Okay, so let’s take a minute or two to talk about superficiality. I know you may think you know the direction I am going with this, if you read yesterday’s blog, but if you bear with me here I may wind up surprising you. Stranger things have happened. As I mentioned, yesterday’s blog was kind of discussing the opposite of superficiality; it was discussing being conscious of the people around us and the world we live in and trying to find a way to help it get on the right track. Superficiality is absolutely not the answer to making a difference in this world. That is certain. Still, you can’t deny that it has its merits.

I woke up at 7:30am this morning and just kind of dicked around online and such for a while. I found out, by way of one of my favorite music blogs, that the first official, full-length LP by Heidi Montag had leaked. The album is very aptly titled “Superficial.” More on that later, though. I called for a cab to get to work and put off getting ready for work until the last minute, as I so often do. It’s funny, because I don’t really know what I do with my mornings, but they always seem to pass pretty quickly. I generally smoke 3-4 cigarettes before work. I check up on my Twitter and Facebook and Oh No They Didn’t. I rarely eat breakfast, and only spend about 15 minutes getting ready. Still, I require at least 90 minutes of waking time before starting my day. It kind of seems like, looking at it now, a giant waste of 90 minutes of my day… but I just don’t feel right for the rest of the day without that time. Fortunately, that wasn’t a concern this morning and everything worked out fine.

I arrived at work about 15 minutes early and decided to smoke a cigarette outside before actually going into the building. A couple of my co-workers showed up while I was out there and talked to me. It was here that I found out who was filling the position that I had applied for and rescinded my application for. It was a pretty surprising selection, in my opinion, considering I didn’t know this person had even applied for the position. I have to say that this person was certainly deserving of promotion, although I don’t know that it is the best fit for the position. Part of me is a little saddened by the whole thing, because I think I could have been a good fit for the position. At the same time, though, I know that wasn’t meant to happen and is nowhere near where my focus in life is right now. Plus, I am really excited for the person who did get the position. I feel kind of bad for the person who didn’t wind up getting it, though. I know that he really wanted the position. I don’t necessarily think he would have been a good fit for it, either, but it is still kind of sad to see things not working out for people the way that they really want them to. This is where some of what Yehuda Berg talked about yesterday comes into play. Despite the fact that the whole situation really doesn’t make an ounce of difference to me on a personal level, I still feel bad about it because one of the members of my team has been let down. That one person’s disappointment affects me, as well. It brings down the entire team, in a way, because when one member of the team loses morale, the entire team morale lessens, as well. Sadly, my team didn’t really have a whole lot of morale to begin with. That is really a shame, too, because we have a really good group of people who are simply not reaching their potential. What’s worse is that they seem fully aware that they aren’t reaching their potential, and seem completely okay with that. It’s almost as if they are choosing to not do as well as they could. In fact, it isn’t almost like that, it IS like that. I think people don’t realize, or choose to ignore, the fact that they are making a decision to be a negative influence when they behave the way they do in the workplace. It is really getting to the point where I absolutely hate spending my days listening to everyone bitching and complaining about the job, each other or any random thing they have chosen to be upset about that day. I can’t say that I haven’t been guilty of this in the past myself, but I am trying to avoid it.

One of the program managers at work approached me today saying that she saw me at the Yehuda Berg signing yesterday and was asking me how I felt about it all and discussing which of his books we have read and what we think of them, etc. It was pretty interesting, considering I have always felt like this woman hated me and she has never been overly kind to me or interested in me. I found it really interesting that we sat there and had a conversation about Kabbalah and spirituality in general for a while today. It was nice, but it was also pretty awkward. The rest of the work day was pretty bland. I ordered lunch with my Team Lead, which was good because my stomach was hurting pretty bad all morning. I had one of those Oven Baked Sandwiches from Dominos, along with some breadsticks. It was a good hearty lunch, which was good because I was starving. We were pretty slow today, but we picked up in the last 30 minutes of the day. All of a sudden, we had ten calls holding and I tried my best to keep happy and positive in spite of the fact that it seemed pretty clear that I would wind up being there later than my 6pm scheduled off time. I took these calls, one at a time, until they were all gone and tried my best to remain smiling and positive while in the midst of freaking out about the amount of calls remaining. After maintaining this positive attitude, difficult as it may have been, I wound up getting out less than 10 minutes after 6pm.

When I got home, I immediately went to the computer to check for anything interesting I may have missed. For some reason, it wouldn’t connect to the internet. I tried a few different tricks that I have learned over the years, but nothing worked. I talked to my Mom about it and it only confirmed what I had slightly suspected already: The bill was behind and we had received a disconnect notice. She said that she would pay the bill tomorrow and it should be back up within the same day. I really hate the fact that my mind even went there so early into noticing the internet was out, but it is a part of my life right now. It won’t be much longer, but it is right now. So, I am typing this blog on my Mom’s laptop, using the wireless network of somebody else in our building or somewhere nearby. As easy and convenient as they may be, laptops kind of suck in some ways. The keyboard is funky and difficult to type on properly. At least it is better than sending it via email from my phone, like I did on Thanksgiving. THAT was a lot to deal with, and I absolutely do not intend on doing that again any time in the near future. I am completely exhausted right now and having a lot of issues keeping my eyes opened and my head upright. I took a Tylenol PM over 2 hours ago and it really seems like it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I am listening to the aforementioned Heidi Montag album, “Superficial,” for the third time or so right now. It has a few really great songs, including my favorite song she has done, “Black Out.” The entire record is catchy and fun to listen to, but it doesn’t seem like there is much depth to it. These songs are not saying much of anything at all, which makes sense considering it IS Heidi Montag. She’s not exactly known for being a do-gooder. The entire album is definitely a fun listen, though. It just seems llike there is nothing beneath the surface of any of it, which I find irritating. Still, it does have a few really amazing songs on it.

Okay, there is more I wanted to talk about here, including a conversation with my best friend, and more cohesive thoughts on the Heidi Montag record. Plus, all the talk of superficiality and the positive nature it can stem from. Unfortunately, though, I am currently on the verge of falling asleep and can’t imagine staying up a moment longer… so these things will be added to tomorrows blog, in which I should be make considerably more sense. I am not forming proper sentences or expressing simple ideas at this point, and so I simply must go to sleep… or like that Heidi Montag song, I simply must go “Black Out.”

Chapter 66: Imagine

Today was a good day. I woke up at 11:30am and was kind of dragging, considering it was nearly 5am when I went to bed last night. I got up and made myself some breakfast, which consisted of eggs with cheddar cheese and ham. While eating breakfast I watched last night’s “Saturday Night Live,” but since it was delayed for football, I only got 30 minutes or so of it on the DVR. I didn’t really care all that much because Charles Barkley was hosting, and I can’t, for the life of me, think of a single reason why. Still, Alicia Keys was the musical guest and I would have liked to see her second performance. Plus, I am hearing that she did a pretty funny Digital Short that happened later in the episode. This is yet another reason I am glad that football season is almost over. I am also ashamed that I even know that football season is almost over. After breakfast, I got in the shower and got myself ready to go down to Barnes & Noble for the Yehuda Berg signing/discussion.

My sister and her girlfriend picked me up around 1:45pm, which is not quite as early as I had hoped to get there. It worked out for the best, though, because there was a very large turnout, larger than I expected from this area, and a lot of older people who needed to be seated. When I got there the seats were all already filled, and I found a spot towards the back of the crowd with a good view. This was better for me because I would have felt bad if I had gotten there early and taken a seat that could have gone to somebody who wouldn’t have been able to stand for the whole hour or so. The crowd there, aside from all the old people, was mainly made up of rich, downtown types who all happened to know each other. This is another reason I was glad to be standing at the back. These people all kind of eyed me up and looked at me like I was horribly out of place, which then made me feel horribly out of place. This was exceptionally disappointing, considering the content of the discussion we were there for. Once Yehuda Berg actually came out he gave an extremely inspirational talk about his new book, “Kabbalah: The Power To Change Everything.” When I heard the title of the book and such, I kind of assumed it was going to be more of a Kabbalistic version of “The Secret,” because Kabbalah does teach something similar to “The Secret,” except with a conscience and a sense of social responsibility, (which is the main thing “The Secret” is severely lacking.) It turned out to be something much greater, though. The discussion, and the book, are actually more about how our decisions and actions effect the global community and how the terrors taking place on the other side of the world effect our quality of life here, and how we have got to take a certain amount of responsibility for both the chaos in our own lives and the chaos in the world as a whole. One really great example he used in this discussion was Child Trafficking. Child Trafficking is a $22 billion industry across this world. There is $22 billion being made in this world by the sale of children. Sadly, I think in 99.9% of these cases, we can be pretty certain that these children are not being purchased by lovely couples who are having trouble conceiving or GLBT couples, who are still not allowed to adopt in a lot of places. These children are not being sold into loving homes, but into the workforce in sweatshops or into the sex industry. I’m sure the natural instinct we have upon hearing this is, “That’s terrible, but what does it have to do with my day to day life?” Well, consider the children that are being sold to work in sweatshops across Cambodia, China, India, etc. What do you think they are making in these sweatshops? What are you wearing right now? The answers to these questions are, sadly, probably one and the same. The whole concept of “Kabbalah: The Power To Change Everything” is about being conscious of the little things we do and how they have a lasting effect on more than just ourselves and those around us, but the world as a whole. Essentially, the book is teaching something that I have been saying for a long time, and have even written a number of songs about: We can create change in the world as a whole, and we can do this by creating change in ourselves. All we have to do is live our lives being conscious of the world we live in and how our decisions, attitudes and energy affect it. If we can create real changes within ourselves, we are creating Light in this world. The people around us will see that Light and may be inspired to try to become that same type of Light. Others will see their Light, as well, and do the same. Adding this much Light to the world is a HUGE way to make a difference in the world. Madonna said in her documentary, “I’m Going To Tell You A Secret,” something to the effect that the majority of the world is sleeping or unconscious, and it is the responsibility of those who are conscious to wake them up. Yehuda Berg also discusses, in the intro of the book, the fact that one of the most important steps in gaining wisdom is sharing that wisdom with others. In order to be truly wise, we have to actually teach what we have learned to others. It makes perfect sense, because what is the use of having knowledge if you are not going to share it with others? There is none. I kind of feel like I woke up back in 2007, when I had this initial rush of information and awareness come to me. It’s like that moment when you wake up from your sleeping state and become rapidly aware of your surroundings; light coming through the window or the time if you have a clock near you, and you start realizing all the things you have to do that day. I also feel, though, that I have spent the past couple years in that strange waking stage where you are only half awake and trying to fall back to sleep; that period in the morning where you’re kind of bargaining with yourself and thinking things like, “Well, if I skip breakfast I can sleep 10 more minutes, if I skip a shower, too, I can sleep 20 more minutes.” Yehuda Berg’s discussion today was kind of like my alarm clock, after I had hit snooze a few times already. It was the alarm that says YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP NOW. In fact, there is a passage in the book that says, and I will actually quote here, “Many believe that on December 21, 2012 – which marks the end of a 5,126 year era, according to the Mesoamerican Long Count Calendar – this planet and all its inhabitants will experience a positive physical or spiritual transformation, while others believe it is the beginning of an apocalypse. We cannot wait any longer.” While I may fall into the first category, I can certainly still recognize that so many people believing some sort of apocalypse is a very powerful thing and could easily bring on that very apocalypse. This is the time for changing people’s minds, before it is too late. I am a firm believer that the world around us is of our own creation and we have the power to create things in this world, both good and bad. With so many people out there with these terribly negative mind frames, what with the economy, healthcare and so many other issues bringing people down, it only makes sense that this can only bring on more negatives. We need to change these people’s minds. We need to wake these people up.

Let me also take a moment to talk about Yehuda Berg himself, as he came as quite the surprise to me. I had seen pictures of him in the backs of his books and such, but never realized what a small man he really is. He came across as kind of awkward, almost nervous, which is fascinating considering the work that he does all over the world. He is very funny, though, and once he got going with his discussion he really picked up more and more. He just seems to emanate Light, and I found that hugely inspiring. Last week I was talking to one of my friends on Twitter about the fact that I was attending this signing/discussion, and he saw this discussion between the two of us, (we were referencing him with is screen name, so it went to him, as well,) and tweeted to me, “You’re coming to signing in Sarasota? Make sure you stop by and say hi.” I thought that was very nice and was impressed with his taking the time to do that. In fact, after the signing ended, while he was still in the building and so was I, I tweeted that the signing had been very inspirational and I was really glad I had gone, and he responded to me just afterward saying, “Thank you very much.” I know it’s not a lot, and I have been tweeted by celebrities and such in the past, but it just seemed like such a sweet thing to do, especially while he was still in the building. I went back over to where he was after seeing that response but he was kind of surrounded with people, so I didn’t approach. I don’t know how to explain it, exactly, but the man is just a huge inspiration to me. I am really glad that I managed to get to the event, because I think it was exactly the wake up call I have been needing to get myself back onto the right track and back into consciousness. I am extremely grateful, and I did tell him this in our brief meeting, that he came to do an event here. I kind of feel like the Universe heard me crying out for something to remind me of what is important in life, and it sent him to me. Once again, the Universe is working in my favor, and I could not feel more grateful to it at this point. I know without a doubt that everything is going to work out exactly as it is meant to. If, by some chance, moving to California were to go out the window, or if I never wind up learning the keyboard better than I do now, no matter what happens I will keep moving forward and keep pursuing my dreams, and I will make them come true one way or another. No matter what may happen, I will make this happen because it is simply what is meant to happen. I know that with absolute certainty and I will make it happen no matter what life sends my way.

After the signing, my sister and her girlfriend were in a grocery store and I had to hang around the store a while until they finished. Aside from Yehuda’s book, I picked up a new sketchbook and a really cool set of colored pencils with more colors than the ones I have now. This whole drawing thing has really grown on me a lot, especially since I came up with the idea of using them for fashion. I don’t know what will come of it all, if anything, but I am getting considerably better at it than I was before so it only makes sense to step it up a notch, with better paper and more colors to work with. Once my sister and her girlfriend picked me up they had asked me if I wanted to come hang out at their house, but they also sounded like they had a lot going on so I decided to just come home. I still needed to do laundry, and I was tossing around the idea of washing some dishes so that they wouldn’t just be left for my Mom when she came home. I really hate doing dishes and don’t really know how to operate the dishwasher, so I wasn’t too keen on that idea. I threw in some laundry and sat down to read the Yehuda Berg book for a while. I guess I lost track of the time, because the next thing I knew it was 8:45pm. It was almost time for “Desperate Housewives,” and I had yet to eat dinner and hadn’t touched the dishes. I thought about just skipping the dishes altogether, but then I thought about my Mom coming home tomorrow and seeing a big pile of dishes in the sink still and stressing herself out about doing them even though I KNOW she won’t feel like it when she does get home. So, I did that whole thing where you wash them before you put them in the dishwasher and loaded up the dishwasher, that way I can just leave a note in the morning saying that the dishwasher is loaded if she wants to start it. That way she can check it and make sure that it is loaded properly, because I am really not sure if it is. It is sad how inept I am when it comes to housework. I am fine with the laundry, although when we first moved here with the washer/dryer in the house I had to be taught how to do it. I’ve just never been one to do these things and never really had to do them for myself, so I never actually learned how to do them. My Mom just has always done them before I could get a chance to. It only seems fair that I take this opportunity to do them before she gets the chance. I know that it will make her feel good to come back and find the dishes done… or done-ish.

It is now 12:30am, and I have been sitting here writing this blog and listening to the music of “Glee,” for the past couple hours. The more I listen to the music from “Glee” or watch the episodes on my DVR, the more I am so upset that the show isn’t coming back until April. It really is, as far as I am concerned, the best thing on television right now. It is also some of the best music coming out right now, as well. They are breathing new life into so many classic and current songs, in many cases doing them much better than the originals. One great example of this is one of my favorite songs from the series, “Taking Chances.” There have been three different versions of this song out there, the original by Kara Dioguardi’s band, Platinum Weird, the Celine Dion version and the Glee version, performed by Lea Michele. Lea Michele really does that song better than either of the others, and that is really saying something. The cast also does my personal favorite version of the song “Imagine” by John Lennon, which is a song that I am really feeling a connection to today, after Yehuda Berg’s inspiring discussion. That is really what it is all about – understanding the connection between ourselves and everyone and everything around us. This is a sentiment that we all could use a reminder of. I often make jokes and such about feeling like I’m better than other people and things like that, but I am really reminded that I am no better, or no different, from anybody else. I am a part of everyone else, and they are all a part of me. That is an extremely profound concept and one that I am dedicating myself to remembering from this point on.

I really should get to sleep. Today was a good day.

Chapter 65: Animal

Before doing anything else, I want to give a bit of advanced warning: I am a little drunk. I’m not really, anymore. I got home about an hour ago and my buzz has pretty well worn off at this point. Now I am just feeling extremely tired. The best and worst part of drinking is always that period afterwards when the buzz starts to wear off. It is the best part if you are able to just go home and pass out. That’s always a great feeling. I have made a commitment to myself, though, to write a blog every single day. I haven’t actually missed a day, out of 65, and I don’t intend to miss one just because I’m still slightly drunk and extremely tired. So, this is when that coming down period is the worst; when you aren’t just going to bed.

Today was pretty laid back. I woke up around noon, ate a variety of random things instead of eating breakfast. We have these weird boxes of chocolates that we got for Christmas, but they aren’t actual chocolates. They’re like tiny cake things covered in chocolate and made to look like a box of chocolates. I didn’t know this beforehand, and it was quite a shock when I bit into one. Still, they were pretty tasty. I also ate some random cheese and crackers and one of those little pre-prepared cans of tuna packaged with crackers. Those tuna package things are really kind of gross, but I ate it anyway. While eating all of this random stuff, I also fell into a world I had been curious about but hadn’t actually explored yet; the world of “Jersey Shore.” “Jersey Shore,” for anyone who doesn’t know, is a series on MTV. It is basically “The Real World,” except it is set in New Jersey and instead of casting 7 or 8 people from different backgrounds and different parts of the world, they cast 7 or 8 people from exactly the same background: A bunch of “guidos” from Jersey. This show has become a pretty big deal lately and I had yet to actually watch it. I happened to notice that it was on, so I decided to give it a try. The funny thing about this show is that it really isn’t very interesting or appealing in any way, but I sat there and watched two full episodes. There were moments where I thought, “Maybe I should change the channel,” or “Maybe I should go do something in the bedroom,” but I just couldn’t turn away. It’s not even that it was like a car crash or anything like that, it was just kind of mesmerizing watching nothing actually happen. It kind of reminds me of the early days of “The Hills,” except nowhere near as good. I don’t know what the deal is with that show, but I can’t deny that I’ll most likely wind up watching more. It’s just weird because the entire cast is so strange looking. They’re all orange and have fucked up haircuts. Also, they are really violent. I watched two episodes and there were a total of five times where people broke out in full-blown fisticuffs, most often in defense of one of their fellow cast members. These people all talk so much shit about each other, but are so quick to defend one another against anybody else. It’s like they have formed a little family unit by way of a TV show. I like that, although I don’t find physical violence entertaining or appealing in any way. It’s definitely an interesting show, while not being interesting at all. I don’t know how to explain that really, but I kind of enjoyed it. I will say, as well, though, that the breakout stars of the show, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, are the two that I find the least interesting. My favorites are Ronnie and Vinny, the only cast members without some messed up nickname. They are the most attractive and seem the least dysfunctional. Vinny is also the only of the guys who don’t live by the mantra taught in the most recent episode, “Gym Tan Laundry.” “Gym Tan Laundry” is, essentially, these guys daily routine. Every day, in that order, they will go to the gym, go to a tanning salon and do laundry to prepare for going out that night. I am think that could be a valuable life lesson for me, personally. I would exclude the tanning, because I don’t want to be orange, but perhaps I should start going to the gym again and doing laundry every day. Of course, the difference between these guys and I is that I don’t go out every night and I, you know, have a job and stuff to do with my days. Still, I like the concept of it.

I also worked at the keyboard for a while today. I am still working on perfecting the song I have already written, “A Breakthrough,” before trying too hard to work on anything else. I feel like the more I work on this song and learn bits and pieces of other artist’s songs, the more I understand the left hand/right hand dynamic of the piano. It’s kind of like, more often than not, the left hand is kind of a base and the right hand is doing most of the actual riffs and such. This is not always the case, of course, and I really want to learn more about how to create a cool riff with single keys, as opposed to chords, kind of like the intro to Gwen Stefani’s “4 In The Morning,” or Alicia Keys’ “Never Felt This Way.” I have always been a bigger fan of that type of sound, although I am really coming to find the beauty in chords on the piano. It is a really cool, fun process. I am also feeling like “A Breakthrough” is coming closer and closer to being absolutely perfect. In some ways, I feel like it already is and the only thing holding me back from believing that is my own insecurities about my skills on the piano, since I don’t actually know the technicals of it all. It’s going to work out, though. It is already working out. I have a song written, MUSIC and lyrics. That’s HUGE for me. Sure, the music is only in base form right now, but it is written and that is major. I am well on my way.

Okay, I have to interrupt the chronological re-telling of my day to speak about something I just discovered. One of the things I listed last night that I was going to focus on as part of my retraining myself to use “The Secret” has already happened! I just happened to check my email, and 6 days after the fact, I have heard from my Uncle! He basically said that, as far as me staying there, he would have to take it up with the other people living there and get back to me. The other people mentioned are two of my cousins and one of their girlfriends. I know this doesn’t necessarily sound like a huge accomplishment at this point, but he did give me his current working numbers and I now know for certain that he got the email, he knows of the request and is considering it. I doubt if my cousins would say no. I mean, I don’t think they would. I don’t know them all that well, but I don’t think that they would deny me a place to stay out there. I’m just freaking out excited to know that the request is officially confirmed as having been received and is being considered/discussed. That is a definite step in the right direction! It just serves as further evidence that “The Secret” is working, and the Universe is working in my favor. Now I need to focus on my cousins saying yes to me staying there and getting an official invite.

Actually, another of the things that I listed as something to use “The Secret” for happened tonight, too, in a much broader way. I spent the evening having a good time with people that I care about here in Florida and really made the most of the evening; Kind of, anyway. I had a really good, fun night. My sister’s girlfriend, who had been out of town all week after announcing that she was leaving our program at work, finally got back into town last night and we had a little get-together tonight as a welcome back/birthday/congratulations party for her. There were a lot of people and the restaurant we were at didn’t really have space to accommodate that, so we were a little crammed into a corner, but it worked out fine. I applied one of my favorite party tips, actually. When meeting up with people in a restaurant always eat beforehand, that way you have more money for alcohol and don’t run the risk of spilling food on yourself or looking like a big fat ass. I had four Midori Sours at this place and was feeling pretty good when we decided to carry it over to this other bar in town. The particular bar we went to is kind of creepy. I don’t like to go there often, but a very good friend of mine runs karaoke there so we wind up there every so often. I just don’t like it because it’s really kind of a redneck bar and is full of people who are completely shit-faced and don’t necessarily take kindly to “my type.” I was a little concerned this evening because I had makeup on and that tends to draw attention more than I already do. Fortunately, I made it through the night without incident. One of my favorite co-workers came out and we had fun together, as well as my sister and her girlfriend. Also, that guy who I have mentioned in this blog a few times (the one who I always say doesn’t seem to want to associate with me) was there. It seemed like the more he had to drink, the more he did want to associate with me. It’s funny, but it seemed like there were quite a few moments this evening where it seemed like he wanted to approach me and talk to me more but got kind of awkward and just said something silly/random and walked away. I don’t know what was up with that, but I am not going to put any focus on that. I’ve got much bigger things to focus on right now. Besides, as I have said before, I think the only reason I am attracted to him is because I feel like he isn’t attracted to me. Of course, if he were to actually make an approach I’d totally go for it. When I say I would “go for it,” I mean I’d have sex with him. I would NOT get involved, though. That would be silly and pointless at this point. Since I was drunk, I was kind of more focused on another guy tonight, anyway; a really hot, but straight, friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in quite a while who was looking really good. I don’t know why I enjoy the straight men so much… that whole unattainable thing, I suppose. Still, there are plenty of gay guys who are just as unattainable and I don’t know why I would pay any attention to an unattainable straight guy. Who knows? I’m having trouble focusing on writing this blog. “Hot straight boys” is the point, though. That is what I am focused on right now, (not in life, but in this moment.)

It is almost 4:30am, and I have to get up at a decent time to get to the Yehuda Berg signing/discussion at Barnes & Noble tomorrow. It starts at 2pm, but I kind of want to get there early. I have absolutely no idea what type of turnout there is going to be for this event, but I want to get there early in case it winds up bigger than I am expecting. All I know is I am extremely excited for the whole thing. I have been saying to people around me lately that I feel like I could use a bit of a Kabbalah tune-up, and meeting/hearing a talk from one of the founders of the Kabbalah Centre International seems like an excellent way to do just that. I’m pretty sure my sister and her girlfriend are going to come pick me up and drop me off there. I don’t know if they’ll pick me up afterwards, but either way. Getting me there is a big help. I can figure out a way home. I do need to get to bed, though, so I can make sure I am up in time to get ready and get there early. I am really excited for this whole event and even though I don’t know what it will be, I have this really strong feeling that something really big is going to come of me attending it. Therefore, I have to make absolutely certain that I get to it. If not, I will surely regret it. All of this is basically reiterating the fact that I need to go to bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 64: Random

Let’s start off tonight’s blog like a Lady Sovereign song: RANDOM. Perhaps it is the late hour (1:32am,) or the fact that I didn’t sleep my best last night, but I have just had some really random thoughts running through my head this evening that I feel the need to let out. The first of these thoughts is this: “Cheers” really has to be one of the least attractive ensemble casts in Television history. Aside from Woody Harrelson, who I’ll admit was kind of attractive in a 80s sort of way, the men on that show were just plain gross. I will never understand why people thought Ted Danson was sexy back in the day, because he absolutely was not. The women were not much better, with the exception of Shelly Long. She is adorable. I know people like to say that Kirstie Alley was so gorgeous back in the day, and I guess she was prettier than she is now, but I don’t see it. She reminds me of somebody’s embarrassing aunt from New York. Another really unattractive TV cast was “Roseanne,” but it was done on purpose and really kind of the point on that show. I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point it became completely unacceptable to have an ensemble cast on television that is not filled with beautiful people. I don’t know, though, I think the ugly cast thing may be making a bit of a comeback, given the popularity of shows like “The Office,” “Parks & Recreation” and, most recently, “Modern Family.” It’s just fascinating to me how that works. I mean, I can pretty much understand it; I like watching pretty people on TV just as much as the next guy. It just seems like America hit a point where people lost interest in seeing people who looked like everyday, average Americans and wanted everyone on TV to look like models. It’s like people stopped wanting to see a reflection of real life and wanted TV to be a fantasy world. I’m not complaining at all, I just find it interesting.

Speaking of beautiful people, there is this new-ish dating website called Beautiful People. Just as the name states, this is a dating site for people who are beautiful to connect with each other, (which I thought was the whole point of Model Mayhem, except that they had the decency of using the guise of “helping models find work.”) When you register, your pictures are reviewed by the staff of this website and they determine whether or not you are a beautiful person. If they feel you are beautiful you are welcomed into their “elite online club.” If they determine you are NOT beautiful, though, you are kept out of their club. The reason this is on my mind is because I recently heard a story somewhere, (“Chelsea Lately,” if I remember correctly,) about this site doing a big overhaul and kicking off members who had gained weight over the holiday season. This kind of ties in to this movie I watched this evening, called “Spread.” Ashton Kutcher plays one of the young, beautiful, poor people who move to LA to try to make a name for themselves. When that doesn’t work out for him, he decides to become a hustler, of sorts, and basically gets rich cougar types to support his rock and roll lifestyle. The whole thing unravels when he meets a female version of himself and falls in love with her, only to find that she is unwilling to give up her life of gold-digging to be with him. It was a better movie than I expected, and actually made me think a lot more than I ever thought an Ashton Kutcher movie could. The movie began and ended with the same line, “All of my life, it was obvious I’d end up in this city.” I kind of feel that way, too, albeit for very different reasons. It certainly helps that I started out in that city, but I’m not going to nit-pick. Another quote that really stuck with me from the movie was “They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, but in LA everyone thinks they’re royalty and the frogs don’t stand a chance.” This got me thinking a lot about me moving out there. As much as I know I am royalty in my own ways, the self-contained world of LA will most certainly see me as a frog. I suppose that only leaves me the option of proving them all wrong. Plus, I don’t really need or care to be a prince to anybody… I’m a fucking queen!

You know what’s funny? “Celebrity Big Brother UK.” That show is a mess. I am a big fan of the Big Brother series, both in the US and the UK, but the celebrity version just takes the whole thing to a different level. I was just watching some clips and such from the current series airing in the UK, with American celebrities like Heidi Fleiss, Sisqo and Stephen Baldwin, alongside British celebrities like the above mentioned Lady Sovereign, Alex Reed and, my personal favorite, DJ Basshunter. I have been obsessed with Basshunter for a while now. For those who don’t know, he is a singer/songwriter/DJ based out of the UK, with one of the best dance/house albums I have heard in ages. I just find it fascinating how they can manage to get current celebrities in the UK, like Lady Sovereign and Basshunter, to take part in a reality show like that. Here in the US that would NEVER take place. Just look at the US version of “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!” That show was nothing but has-beens, like Stephen Baldwin and Janice Dickinson, and never-weres, like Heidi & Spencer and Sanjaya Malakar. You just can’t get proper celebrities to do any sort of reality show here in America. Unless they’re black celebrities, and then they do their own shows that get very popular on BET, like Keyshia Cole and Monica. I don’t know why celebrities here are so opposed to reality TV. People who currently have a successful career won’t even do a show like “Dancing With The Stars,” which is considerably more high-brow than something like “Big Brother.” It does wonders for the careers of these stars in the UK. The only reason I discuss this is because I think it would be way too much fun to see like one of the less A-List Disney stars, like maybe Mitchel Musso from “Hannah Montana” or David Henrie from “Wizards Of Waverly Place” locked in a house with people like Richie Sambora, Kobe Bryant, that prostitute from the Elliott Spitzer case, and maybe somebody like Kristin Chenoweth or Christina Applegate or something. That sounds like a fascinating show to me, but that will never ever happen here in the US. It’s a shame.

Don and I used to always say that we should be casting directors because we always had interesting ideas for who should be in movies instead of the people who actually are in them. We also always said that we should work in PR or Marketing for record labels because we’d always sit around saying things like, “Why the hell is this song being released as a single? It should have been this one instead,” or “Well, her album would have been more successful if they had released the first single in Spring instead of Summer,” and things of that nature. I miss conversations like that. Don and I could always waste hours at a time having silly conversation about the entertainment industry and all the reasons why we could do it so much better than the people running things currently. It’s funny how I used to have a lot of friends back in California who all had the exact same interests as I do. I used to have a long list of people I could call and spend an hour or two just going on and on about pop music and the different pop stars we loved, arguing over why my favorite is better than their favorite and comparing all their different accomplishments and such. I don’t have friends like that anymore. I was developing a complex for a while because all of my friends here seem to have the same interests as each other, but very few similar interests as me. I was thinking for a while that I was just completely without kindred spirits here in Florida, but I have come to realize that isn’t entirely true. I have kindred spirits, I just have to look a little harder to find those connections. I also think that those people that were kindred spirits before probably wouldn’t be as much anymore. I still love and am devoted to my pop music, but I don’t necessarily know that I could have hours-long conversations about it now without feeling counter-productive. I don’t need to talk about music now - I need to make music. Plus, my taste in music has evolved immensely since then. Don’t get me wrong, Don is still and always will be my main kindred spirit, and he has evolved immensely since that time, too. The other people I would hang out with there, though, are probably best left in the past. Not all of them, but a lot of them.

Today was a pretty boring day at work. The guy who I thought was the only other person to apply for the position open right now didn’t wind up getting it because, apparently, there was another applicant that nobody knew about. That was a bit of a surprise twist. It doesn’t really make a whole lot of difference to me, either way, but it does add a little bit of intrigue and an element of surprise to the whole situation. My sister left early today to go pick up her girlfriend from the airport. She has been in Maryland for the past week training for her new position, and my sister has been kind of mopey because of it. It will be nice to have her back, too, even though she is not returning to our program at work. She’ll at least be around. In fact, tomorrow evening we are having a little get together with her and some of the people from work to celebrate both her and my sister’s birthdays, which both took place in the past week. I’m pretty excited for it, as it is a good excuse to get out of the house and spend some time with people outside of the workplace. I still haven’t figured out a ride to the Yehuda Berg signing/discussion on Sunday, but I am determined to get to it one way or another. I am pretty sure I’ll wind up having my sister drop me off and pick me up. I’m a little low on cash this week, unfortunately. I paid $55.99 for a carton of cigarettes, which really sucks and wiped out a big chunk of the money I had left over after paying rent and such. Still, so long as I remain frugal at the gathering tomorrow night and only spend money on the Yehuda Berg book at the signing, I should be fine. I just have to avoid the type of frivolous spending I have a penchant for doing. It will be okay. I am not going to stress out about money. Money comes easily and the money that I have will be plenty to get by on, and if there is a need for more it will come to me somehow. I am not concerned about it. On the topic of money and things just kind of working out, my Mom managed to pay the past due balance on our phone bill this morning and now our account is current. I’m not sure how exactly to sort it out, but somehow I am determined to get the current charges paid before the next bill comes out so the account will remain current. It is current now and I am going to keep it that way.

I lent one of my co-workers my copy of “The Secret” a little while back, and she has been applying it in life recently, and is seeing results in some very cool ways. She came upon some unexpected, and needed, money and got her schedule at work changed, even though it was always made out to be impossible for her to change her schedule. It just serves to remind me how successful positive thinking can be, and inspires me to try to bring that focus back into my life. So, what are things I need to focus on and make happen in my life? Let’s see. I will hear from my Uncle soon, and he will say yes to me living with him when I move. My Mom will get a better paying job soon and our household income will be stable. My cell phone bill will stay current. I will write more songs on my keyboard and get generally better at it. I will learn how to drive and get a license. I will stay happy and positive in the workplace for the next 5 months and then I will happily move to California. I will find a job quickly once I get there and be able to contribute to my Uncle’s household. I will make something of myself. I WILL accomplish all of these things. I will do them all, and do them all fucking beautifully. The Universe is working in my favor and all of these things are coming to me and will be fucking beautiful. I am certain of this. I will remain focused on these things and these things only. Nothing else really matters right now. One last thing, though: I will make the most of the time I have left here in Florida, and spend it with the family and friends that I love here, then I will go on my way a much stronger, greater person for having this time.

Let’s end tonight’s blog the same way we started it, like a Lady Sovereign song: BANG BANG… see, wasn’t that RANDOM?