Something happened today. It is something that I am really struggling not to worry or freak out about, but it is definitely a struggle. As I mentioned yesterday, I discovered a great new place to spend my lunch break at work: My Mom’s car. Yesterday, I turned the key to the “On” position so I could listen to the radio, but didn’t actually start the car. While it was sitting in this position, I noticed the screen in the middle of the dashboard, (it is a hybrid and has a screen to show various things, like the gas mileage and when it switches from battery to electric,) started flickering, and eventually went blank. A moment later, the radio stopped. I quickly switched it off and took the key out of the ignition. I turned it back on and it did the same thing. I text messaged my Mom to tell her and she seemed unconcerned. I just left it off for the rest of my break and then went back to work. There were no more issues with it, although my Mom suggested I don’t leave it at “On” and actually start the car. Today when I went on my lunch break, I did that instead and didn’t have any problem with it. About an hour later when my Mom went on her break it wouldn’t start at all. My Mom and my sister both checked it on each of their breaks and it still wouldn’t start. I immediately wanted to freak out about this. The last thing we need is to have some sort of expensive repairs done on the car. We can barely afford to pay all of our rent and bills, let alone pay for any issues with the car. My sister came back to work to pick me up and told me she had been reading the car’s manual and said that it was likely that it was in need of a recharge, which is what the car does in the off position in general. She had kind of anticipated that it would be fine by 8pm when my Mom’s shift ended, because it was doing a little bit more each time they checked it. Unfortunately, when my Mom got off, it was still not working. After a little research, we figured out that it would be safe for it to be jump started from my sister’s car. We figured that it couldn’t hurt to give this a try. My sister just picked my Mom up and they are off to give this a try. My fingers are crossed.
Work today was pretty okay. It was a really slow day, in comparison to the rest of the week. It passed really slowly, too, but I spent a good portion of the day talking with my co-workers. We all got into some interesting topical discussions; the type of conversations that have created drama in the workplace recently. Fortunately, the big conversation today mainly revolved around me, (exactly the way I like for conversations to go,) and gay issues. I found out that a few of my co-workers are opposed to gay marriage, or would be very disappointed if they found out one of their kids were gay. I enjoy conversations on this topic because I have the hope of planting the seed of change in these people’s minds. I get along really well with all of my co-workers and they all seem to like me. They also all seem to have been exposed to many gay people in their lives, so I appreciate the fact that I can be the example to them. As silly as it may sound, I try to keep that sort of thing in mind and be the best I can to kind of prove to people that aren’t the most familiar with gay people that we are no different from them. In a lot of ways, I feel like being the only gay people that somebody gets to know or spends time with carries a lot of responsibility with it, and I try to remain aware of that. It could be me that opens up those narrow minds, and I feel extremely grateful to take part in the gay rights movement in that way. Still, it is certainly sad to hear one of my co-workers talking about how disappointed he would be if his son were to turn out gay because he would want him to “be a man.” It really is a shame that there are so many people out there who still think that way. Like Gwen Stefani says, “We’ve got a long way to go.”
After my sister dropped me off at home I decided that tonight was finally the night that I was going to make dinner and have it waiting for my Mom when she got home. I have been telling myself I would do this since Monday, and had yet to actually do it. So, this evening I decided to partake of one of my favorite pastimes while preparing dinner. I threw on one of my DVDs of “The Simple Life,” and watched that while I made dinner. I own 4 of the 5 seasons of the show, and even now, years after the fact, I still pull them out and have mini-marathons. “The Simple Life” was, honestly, one of my favorite TV shows ever. I can still watch episodes from any season and laugh out loud at them, as if they were brand new. I miss those early days of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Not to say that I can’t understand why people complained at the time about how they were “famous for being famous,” but I think at the time the crop of “Celebutantes” that came out really had something to offer. They may not have had great talents in music or acting or any of that, but they were real personalities. I’ve always been a Paris person, but I can definitely say that Nicole Richie was much more of a “character.” That girl is hilarious and engaging and a whole lot of fun to watch on “The Simple Life.” I miss the days of Paris and Nicole and all of their drama. As much as I love “The Hills,” I would take Paris and Nicole over Heidi or Audrina any day. Paris and Nicole were real stars, even if they were just born into it. The people who are around today, who are “famous for being famous,” just don’t have that “it factor” that they did. The one exception to this rule, though, would have to be Lauren Conrad. Adam Divello, creator of “Laguna Beach,” “The Hills” and “The City,” really struck gold with her. She is really the perfect icon for young girls of today. She just seems completely genuine, caring and kind. Even more than that, though, she seems very sensible and responsible. She comes across as a good person, no matter what, and is an excellent example to young girls all over. Unfortunately, like any truly sensible girl, she tired of living her life in front of a camera, and has left “The Hills.” That show completely lost it’s star quality when she left. The remaining cast members, although all appealing in their own ways, simply aren’t genuinely endearing enough to fill the gap left by Lauren. It’s kind of sad. So, I turn to “The Simple Life,” which doesn’t set any kind of positive example for young girls, but is at least genuinely funny and entertaining.
Dinner was pretty much done when my Mom got home. I made this pre-seasoned and prepped barbecue chicken from Winn-Dixie, some Stove Top Stuffing and this really tasty broccoli/cheese rice medley. All boxed or pre-prepared, but it was still a delicious meal. Maybe it wasn’t a lovely meal, as I generally like to prepare, but it tasted good. Plus, it is a good deed for me to make dinner for my Mom. She works hard and doesn’t feel like coming home and cooking afterwards. She is prone to come home and say, “Let’s eat out,” but since we can’t afford that so much, and I get off two hours before her, it is only fair that I should prepare dinner. Plus, I made plenty so that there would be plenty of leftovers for the weekend, since she will be out of town, so long as the car gets started. I am pretty confident that it will be okay. I am not basing this on anything beyond the fact that the Universe is working in my favor and will not allow us to be without a car. If the car were to not work for some reason and needed costly repairs, what would probably wind up happening is that we would have to file my income tax ASAP and use it for that. I would, of course, be willing to do that, but absolutely would not want to. My income tax is intended for saving until the last minute so I can use it for the move to California. It will be the money for me to get by for a little while once I actually get there. Having to use it for anything different is not something I want to do… of course, if it is that or my Mom having a car, as much as I don’t like it, there would really be no choice. This is why they are going to get the car to start and it is not going to be a repeated issue. I am putting my faith and trust into the Universe to make sure that nothing goes wrong with the car, because the Universe is working in my favor and will not allow it to. It is as simple as that, and I have absolute certainty in that.
Okay, my Mom just got home… in her car! My sister jumped it and it is running fine! She even drove it around a little bit and stopped and started it again just to be sure it would start back up again. I am completely confident now that it is not going to be an issue again. Of course, to make sure of this, I am going to stop taking my breaks in the car. Perhaps I will still take my breaks in the car, but not turn it on or anything, just sit in it. I will stick headphones in my bag so I can listen to my iPod with them instead of through the car speakers. I don’t really feel like that has anything to do with the issue with the car, but the first signs of trouble came after I started taking breaks in the car. Hopefully the weather will warm back up again sometime soon and I won’t need to take breaks in the car. The atrium is just fine when it is warm outside. For some reason, though, it is infinitely colder in there than it is even on the exterior of the building. Still, despite the fact that I don’t really think my lunch breaks with the car on contributed to the issue, one can never be too sure and, even though I know nothing is going to go wrong with the car, it is best not to take too many chances. I am just overwhelmingly relieved knowing that the car started and she was able to bring it home. Now I have to decide how I am getting to work in the morning. My Mom has been going in at 9:30am every day for overtime, which is when I go in normally, and is signed up to go in at that time tomorrow, as well. Due to overtime, which we are absolutely not allowed on my account, I have to go in an hour later tomorrow. She still has to go in at 9:30am because she signed up for that time. I could, and probably should, just go in when she does and wait in the car or something for an hour. The other option would be to pay for a cab and go in an hour later. This is probably what I will end up doing, although it is not the wise decision. I am extremely broke right now, (tomorrow is pay day,) and shouldn’t spend the last little bit of cash I do have on a cab… but it would be very nice to not have to go in so early. We’ll see, I suppose. For now, though, I should probably get to bed. It is nearly 12:30am and, whatever I decide to do, I will need to get up at 7:30am to let my Mom know what I have decided. I really should just ride with her and wait around there an hour. If I wait in the car it won’t be so bad. I think I may. We’ll see how I feel in the morning, though. To make sure what I feel is NOT completely exhausted and like I didn’t get enough sleep, I should get to bed.
Friday, January 8
Thursday, January 7
Chapter 62: Casey
Tonight I am starting this blog considerably later than I usually would. My nightly ritual of taking a Tylenol PM commenced about an hour and fifteen minutes ago. In general, once I have taken the pill I have about 2 hours before I am REALLY ready for bed. Normally, I would start writing the blog right after I take the pill, but tonight I got a little sidetracked. For the past 2 months or so I have only had two ringtones on my phone, “For Your Entertainment” and “Time For Miracles” by Adam Lambert. Normally I keep eight or so on there, and have one for each of the most important people in my phone and one for all the “stranger bitches,” (my new favorite slang term, more on that later.) I set these two songs as my ringtones, (“Time For Miracles” for my Mom, “For Your Entertainment” for everyone else,) back before the Adam Lambert album was out and these were the only two songs from it out. I am not one to keep the same ringtones for that long, especially considering that I make them myself and it doesn’t cost me anything to change them out frequently. I wouldn’t say it’s because I’ve been busy, but I just haven’t put much thought into it. A few days ago, though, it popped into my head and I have been saying ever since that I need to change them. So, after taking my pill this evening, I decided to go ahead and do it. Now, I have ringtones of all eight tracks from Lady GaGa’s “The Fame Monster.” I figured if I was removing my Adam ringtones, I should go with something equally as amazing and my mind immediately went to GaGa.
After making my ringtones, I sat down to start writing this blog but was interrupted by my Mom. I wouldn’t really say she interrupted me, I just happened to overhear that she was off the phone with her boyfriend and went out to talk with her. We also decided to paint our nails in the same color: A cool, glittery, metallic blue. It’s a really cool color and, even better, she put it on over the pale pink polish she was already wearing and I put it over the black I had on, so while it’s the same color it looks very different on each of us. It’s kind of cool, too, because hers being lighter and more purple looking and mine being more of a darker gray color really reflects both of our personalities really well. I am darker and more intense and she is brighter and more cheerful. I love when things like makeup and nail polish and such manage to do a really great job of capturing your personality. In my mind, that is the whole point of these things: They are meant to be an outward expression of what is on the inside; Make up, fashion, nail polish, all of it. I am a big fan of taking what’s on the inside and putting it on display in little ways like that. My Mom also shared something with me that is slightly upsetting, but still very manageable: She is going out of town to her boyfriend’s house this weekend. That’s a pretty normal thing, and I’ll certainly take it over her boyfriend coming to stay with us for a whole week again. The thing that upsets me about it is the fact that this Sunday is the Yehuda Berg discussion/signing at Barnes & Noble. I was really hoping she would come with me to that event, as I think it would be a really good thing for the both of us to learn a little more about “The Power To Change Everything.” Plus, now I have to figure out a different ride there. I’ve been trying to think of somebody else to actually come with me to the event; someone who could take a lot from it, as well, but I am kind of drawing a blank. If anyone reading is here in town and interested in learning more about Kabbalah and “The Power To Change Everything,” let me know. It is sure to be very interesting, and I am determined to go to this event no matter what. I really don’t mind going alone, and I could certainly take a cab there, I just think it would be nice to have somebody else to share in the experience with. Either way, though, I will be there and ready to take as much as I can from it all.
Work was pretty bland today. It was another not TOO busy, but not TOO slow day. It was pretty chill, and I was able to finish off the two drawings I had been working on, (“Dancing With Tears In My Eyes” and “The Story,”) complete with color and everything. I guess now it is time to start working on a new one of some sort. I don’t know what it will be, but I’m sure inspiration will strike soon enough and I will come up with something else really cool. The day passed fairly quickly. I have figured out a minor solution to my weather problem of the past few days, (a.k.a., the fact that all of my breaks have been miserable because it is simply too cold outside.) I spent my first break in the atrium, which is the usual spot for smoke breaks for most people, then somehow came up with the idea to spend lunch in my Mom’s car, where it was considerably warmer than just being outside. I think I may start doing this every day, because it was just much better than sitting out in the atrium and freezing my ass off. I turned the car on, plugged my iPod in and listened to music throughout lunch, (played a good chunk of the Orianthi album today.) For my last break I went out in front of the building, where the sun was shining and warming things up a bit more than in the atrium where you are surrounding by very tall walls blocking the sunshine from getting in enough to keep you warm. While I was on my last break, there was a girl from another account, (a stranger bitch,) who was waiting for a ride and we spent my break talking about the weather, which lead into all kinds of other conversation. She was really nice. I didn’t catch her name or anything, but I certainly enjoyed our conversation. I normally kind of make it a point not to converse with too many stranger bitches around the place that shall not be named for security purposes, but it was kind of refreshing dealing with somebody at work other than the same people I have dealt with every day for the past year, (almost.)
After work, my sister came and picked me up and we went out to dinner. Her birthday was this past weekend and I told her I wanted to take her out to dinner this week, since her girlfriend had to go out of town to train for her new job. My sister doesn’t deal well with being separated from her girlfriend, so I figured she could use some time out of the house and away from work. We went to a Perkins, which is basically like a glorified Denny’s or Village Inn, and had a good meal and talked about a bunch of different stuff. It was really nice to spend a little alone time with her, as that hasn’t really happened in a VERY long time. Most of my time spent with her is with her girlfriend or other family members. It was nice to get some one-on-one time and talk a bit more than we normally get the chance to. I talked to her a lot about my California plans, as well as my concerns about our Mother once I move. It was a really good feeling, much like I mentioned yesterday, to talk to her about these things and have her actually seem to take me seriously about it all. For one of the first times in my life, I finally feel like people may actually be taking me seriously and actually listening to what I have to say. I really cannot express how huge a deal that is for me. Before and after dinner, when we were in the car, she had an iPod shuffle playing in the car and it was full of music like K’s Choice, Save Ferris, Marry Me Jane, etc. It brought back a lot of memories of back when we were in California, when we would drive around all over the place listening to a lot of this same music and talk about all the random things going on in our lives and with all of our mutual friends and such. My sister and I used to be really close and back in the early 2000s would spend 90% of our time together, most often riding around and listening to music by these bands, or compilations of the dance music of the time. Riding around town with her this evening really took me back to that time, nearly 10 years ago now. It reminds me of a song by Darren Hayes, called “Casey.” Casey is actually his sister, and this song is basically about an experience like I had this evening. “1989, Summer had heat but it was not moving, What is it with this town? Every time we win it just feels like losing, We were never gonna fit in, I was a mixed up kid and you were my sanity in a yellow car, We don’t even have to go far, Cause that song you’re playing sounds like peace on the radio.” That song has always reminded me of our days back in Banning or Joshua Tree, CA. I am very glad to be able to say that we both managed to get out of those places. It’s kind of sad to think about the fact that soon enough we are going to be 3,000 miles apart, but she has got her own thing going on, with a girlfriend and family and such, and I have to go off and get my own thing going, as well.
The key now is to make the most of the time I have left with her, and my Mom, and all of my friends here; People who will remain a part of my life, but not as directly anymore. The more I think about it, there is a lot I am going to miss here; Mainly a lot of people. Still, I know what I have to do. I know what is right for me, and in spite of anything I may miss, I know that I would be missing out on something major if I didn’t go. Besides, like I said before, they will all still be a big part of my life and of who I am, they just won’t be a part of my day-to-day as much. In the long run, every sacrifice made based on this decision will be well worth it. I feel absolutely certain of this. My life is going to change immensely, and I am certain that it will be for the better. It won’t be without it’s share of struggles, but they will all be completely justified in the end. I cannot wait to get this all started. I mean, I cannot wait to get this all REALLY started. In the meantime, though, I do need to make sure to cherish and make the most of my time left with the people I love here. I am kind of trying to make plans with a few friends for this weekend, but it is all very unclear right now. I am also trying to talk Whitney into going shopping for eyeshadows and white eyeliner with me. I have been slowly delving more and more into the world of makeup in my day-to-day life, but so far it is just nail polish and eyeliners… and I feel the need for more. Eyeshadow, in particular, is what I need. I am also very curious about white eyeliner because they say that white liners open up your eyes and make them look considerably bigger. Black liner does the opposite and makes them look smaller. My eyes, while being on of my best physical assets, are pretty small and ever since I hear that about white liner I have noticed how small my eyes really are and how the black eyeliner isn’t really doing them any favors. I am very curious to try out a white or light colored liner, along with some cool colored shadows. I am pretty excited to experiment with it all a little more. For now, though, it is edging very close to 1am, and I have 2 days left of work this week, so I’d probably be best off to go to bed. After all, I took my pill two and a half hours ago and am definitely feeling the effects of it at this point. It is time for me to sleep.
After making my ringtones, I sat down to start writing this blog but was interrupted by my Mom. I wouldn’t really say she interrupted me, I just happened to overhear that she was off the phone with her boyfriend and went out to talk with her. We also decided to paint our nails in the same color: A cool, glittery, metallic blue. It’s a really cool color and, even better, she put it on over the pale pink polish she was already wearing and I put it over the black I had on, so while it’s the same color it looks very different on each of us. It’s kind of cool, too, because hers being lighter and more purple looking and mine being more of a darker gray color really reflects both of our personalities really well. I am darker and more intense and she is brighter and more cheerful. I love when things like makeup and nail polish and such manage to do a really great job of capturing your personality. In my mind, that is the whole point of these things: They are meant to be an outward expression of what is on the inside; Make up, fashion, nail polish, all of it. I am a big fan of taking what’s on the inside and putting it on display in little ways like that. My Mom also shared something with me that is slightly upsetting, but still very manageable: She is going out of town to her boyfriend’s house this weekend. That’s a pretty normal thing, and I’ll certainly take it over her boyfriend coming to stay with us for a whole week again. The thing that upsets me about it is the fact that this Sunday is the Yehuda Berg discussion/signing at Barnes & Noble. I was really hoping she would come with me to that event, as I think it would be a really good thing for the both of us to learn a little more about “The Power To Change Everything.” Plus, now I have to figure out a different ride there. I’ve been trying to think of somebody else to actually come with me to the event; someone who could take a lot from it, as well, but I am kind of drawing a blank. If anyone reading is here in town and interested in learning more about Kabbalah and “The Power To Change Everything,” let me know. It is sure to be very interesting, and I am determined to go to this event no matter what. I really don’t mind going alone, and I could certainly take a cab there, I just think it would be nice to have somebody else to share in the experience with. Either way, though, I will be there and ready to take as much as I can from it all.
Work was pretty bland today. It was another not TOO busy, but not TOO slow day. It was pretty chill, and I was able to finish off the two drawings I had been working on, (“Dancing With Tears In My Eyes” and “The Story,”) complete with color and everything. I guess now it is time to start working on a new one of some sort. I don’t know what it will be, but I’m sure inspiration will strike soon enough and I will come up with something else really cool. The day passed fairly quickly. I have figured out a minor solution to my weather problem of the past few days, (a.k.a., the fact that all of my breaks have been miserable because it is simply too cold outside.) I spent my first break in the atrium, which is the usual spot for smoke breaks for most people, then somehow came up with the idea to spend lunch in my Mom’s car, where it was considerably warmer than just being outside. I think I may start doing this every day, because it was just much better than sitting out in the atrium and freezing my ass off. I turned the car on, plugged my iPod in and listened to music throughout lunch, (played a good chunk of the Orianthi album today.) For my last break I went out in front of the building, where the sun was shining and warming things up a bit more than in the atrium where you are surrounding by very tall walls blocking the sunshine from getting in enough to keep you warm. While I was on my last break, there was a girl from another account, (a stranger bitch,) who was waiting for a ride and we spent my break talking about the weather, which lead into all kinds of other conversation. She was really nice. I didn’t catch her name or anything, but I certainly enjoyed our conversation. I normally kind of make it a point not to converse with too many stranger bitches around the place that shall not be named for security purposes, but it was kind of refreshing dealing with somebody at work other than the same people I have dealt with every day for the past year, (almost.)
After work, my sister came and picked me up and we went out to dinner. Her birthday was this past weekend and I told her I wanted to take her out to dinner this week, since her girlfriend had to go out of town to train for her new job. My sister doesn’t deal well with being separated from her girlfriend, so I figured she could use some time out of the house and away from work. We went to a Perkins, which is basically like a glorified Denny’s or Village Inn, and had a good meal and talked about a bunch of different stuff. It was really nice to spend a little alone time with her, as that hasn’t really happened in a VERY long time. Most of my time spent with her is with her girlfriend or other family members. It was nice to get some one-on-one time and talk a bit more than we normally get the chance to. I talked to her a lot about my California plans, as well as my concerns about our Mother once I move. It was a really good feeling, much like I mentioned yesterday, to talk to her about these things and have her actually seem to take me seriously about it all. For one of the first times in my life, I finally feel like people may actually be taking me seriously and actually listening to what I have to say. I really cannot express how huge a deal that is for me. Before and after dinner, when we were in the car, she had an iPod shuffle playing in the car and it was full of music like K’s Choice, Save Ferris, Marry Me Jane, etc. It brought back a lot of memories of back when we were in California, when we would drive around all over the place listening to a lot of this same music and talk about all the random things going on in our lives and with all of our mutual friends and such. My sister and I used to be really close and back in the early 2000s would spend 90% of our time together, most often riding around and listening to music by these bands, or compilations of the dance music of the time. Riding around town with her this evening really took me back to that time, nearly 10 years ago now. It reminds me of a song by Darren Hayes, called “Casey.” Casey is actually his sister, and this song is basically about an experience like I had this evening. “1989, Summer had heat but it was not moving, What is it with this town? Every time we win it just feels like losing, We were never gonna fit in, I was a mixed up kid and you were my sanity in a yellow car, We don’t even have to go far, Cause that song you’re playing sounds like peace on the radio.” That song has always reminded me of our days back in Banning or Joshua Tree, CA. I am very glad to be able to say that we both managed to get out of those places. It’s kind of sad to think about the fact that soon enough we are going to be 3,000 miles apart, but she has got her own thing going on, with a girlfriend and family and such, and I have to go off and get my own thing going, as well.
The key now is to make the most of the time I have left with her, and my Mom, and all of my friends here; People who will remain a part of my life, but not as directly anymore. The more I think about it, there is a lot I am going to miss here; Mainly a lot of people. Still, I know what I have to do. I know what is right for me, and in spite of anything I may miss, I know that I would be missing out on something major if I didn’t go. Besides, like I said before, they will all still be a big part of my life and of who I am, they just won’t be a part of my day-to-day as much. In the long run, every sacrifice made based on this decision will be well worth it. I feel absolutely certain of this. My life is going to change immensely, and I am certain that it will be for the better. It won’t be without it’s share of struggles, but they will all be completely justified in the end. I cannot wait to get this all started. I mean, I cannot wait to get this all REALLY started. In the meantime, though, I do need to make sure to cherish and make the most of my time left with the people I love here. I am kind of trying to make plans with a few friends for this weekend, but it is all very unclear right now. I am also trying to talk Whitney into going shopping for eyeshadows and white eyeliner with me. I have been slowly delving more and more into the world of makeup in my day-to-day life, but so far it is just nail polish and eyeliners… and I feel the need for more. Eyeshadow, in particular, is what I need. I am also very curious about white eyeliner because they say that white liners open up your eyes and make them look considerably bigger. Black liner does the opposite and makes them look smaller. My eyes, while being on of my best physical assets, are pretty small and ever since I hear that about white liner I have noticed how small my eyes really are and how the black eyeliner isn’t really doing them any favors. I am very curious to try out a white or light colored liner, along with some cool colored shadows. I am pretty excited to experiment with it all a little more. For now, though, it is edging very close to 1am, and I have 2 days left of work this week, so I’d probably be best off to go to bed. After all, I took my pill two and a half hours ago and am definitely feeling the effects of it at this point. It is time for me to sleep.
Wednesday, January 6
Chapter 61: Move Forward
Today. Today was that day; that day when you realize that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be in that moment. Is it supposed to stay that way? No. My life is not supposed to be like it was today forever, but it was exactly how it was supposed to be today. It reminds me of this song by Natalie Imbruglia, from my favorite album of hers “White Lilies Island.” The song, in fact, is called “That Day,” and the chorus says, “That day, that day, I lay down beside myself in the feeling of pain, sadness, scared, small, climbing, crawling towards the light, and it’s all that I see, and I’m tired, and it’s right, and it’s wrong, and it’s beautiful. That day, that day, what a mess, what a marvel, and we’re all the same but no one thinks so, and it’s okay, and I’m small, and I’m divine, and it’s beautiful, and it’s coming, and it’s already here, and it’s absolutely perfect.” Typing those lyrics out, or reading them back, it probably seems like nothing but a jumbled mess… but that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? That’s kind of how I felt today: a jumbled mess, but intentionally so. I don’t know how to explain that exactly, but I’m guessing some of you who may wind up reading this will understand exactly what I am trying to say.
I woke up and found that my Mom was in better spirits than she was yesterday, which is a very good thing. I don’t know what is going to do it for her but whatever it may be, I just have this feeling like it is coming. It is coming very soon. Whatever it is that is going to pick her up off the ground and make everything right for her is well on it’s way and once it arrives, me moving to California will be the last thing on her mind. Well, I’m sure it won’t be the last thing on her mind, but it will be looked at fondly. I say this as if she doesn’t look at it fondly already. I mean, she does, but I think she also looks at it with hesitancy. Hesitancy is not something I can afford at this point. Hesitancy is the enemy. This is one major problem with making big decisions in advance. When you decide on things early you allow yourself more time to plan and prepare, but you also allow yourself more time to analyze and over-think them. Analyzing and over-thinking are the gateways through which we allow things like hesitancy and fear into our lives. Well, I’m sorry, but those gateways are closed for business. Nothing is getting in. Sure, that may mean I am closed off to a few positive things like caution, logic and rationality, as well, but I don’t need those things right now. They do not serve my cause here, and I am fine with not being open to anything that does not serve my cause.
Still no email or call from my Uncle. It’s only been two days. I don’t know what I’m expecting, but I just have to be patient about it all. I will hear from him, and I don’t doubt that he will let me come stay with him. Everything is going to fall into place as it is meant to. Everything is going to be fucking wonderful. I don’t doubt that for a second. What I need to focus on now is enjoying the time I have left here while making plans for what comes next: California. It’s funny, though, because every little thing here takes me back to California in my head. It has been extremely cold these past few days, and my smoke breaks at work are pretty unbearable because it is freezing. I find myself on every one of those breaks thinking to myself, “I’ll bet it’s not this cold in California.” I almost feel like I am, in a way, completely romanticizing California. I grew up there. I spent my formative years there. I know what it’s like, and it certainly isn’t a rose garden. The more I think about it now, though, the more I can only see the good. I’m sure once I get there that whole concept will go out the window… but I don’t know. Maybe it won’t. I hope that I will, and I will strive to, let all of these feelings I am feeling about it right now remain and really make me appreciate it all once I get there. I don’t doubt that I will have any trouble appreciating it, but I also know that the ideals I am dreaming up in my head right now are sure to not remain once I am living the reality of it all. Either way, though, I know that it will be completely different than the reality I am living in now. I think different is exactly what I need.
I am listening to this band that I discovered about an hour ago, called Vedera. I had heard their name before, but never really knew much of anything about them. I happened to be looking at iTunes and saw that they had the Free Single Of The Week. I have discovered quite a few different artists that I have come to really love by way of the iTunes Free Single Of The Week, including Lenka, Kate Walsh, Ida Maria, etc. Vedera is sure to be added to that list. The band is made up of Kristen May and her husband/lead guitarist Brian Little, and their music is just gorgeous. It is rock, at its core, but has big, infectious pop hooks. Kristen May’s vocals are really the part that sucks you in, though. She’s got this gorgeous, airy voice that is reminiscent of Natalie Imbruglia or Leigh Nash from Sixpence None The Richer, but all her own. She has this amazing ability to move between really strong, powerhouse belting and soft, sweet lilting. I love artists who can move from emotion to emotion with ease from song to song, and even better when they can do it all within a single song. Their major label debut album, “Stages” is absolutely stunning. I just finished listening to it for the first time, and immediately played it from the beginning again. I am pretty sure this is going to become one of those records I listen to obsessively for months. I am very excited about it. Key tracks include the first single, and the iTunes Free Single Of The Week, “Satisfy,” “If You Go,” “Loving Ghosts,” “A World Apart,” “Back To The Middle,” “The Rain,” and basically the rest of the album. It is really a gorgeous collection of songs and I highly recommend it. It’s hot shit.
So, today was another busy day at work. It was also my Admin day. Essentially, myself and one of my co-workers kind of split the Administrative work that comes in, like web enrollments and various accounts that have failed and things of that nature. We don’t really split it, per se, but she does three days a week and I do the other two. Today was that day for me, but with the phones being busy I was a little sporadic in getting things done. I’d finish one or two things, then stop to take calls that were holding, then complete a couple more things. I managed to stay very busy all day today. Unfortunately, that didn’t make the day pass as quickly as it did yesterday, but it wasn’t a day that really dragged, either. I managed to finish the drawing I talked about yesterday, inspired by the Brandi Carlile song “The Story.” I really like the way it turned out, too. As I have mentioned a few times here, I think that I have figured out that the whole drawing kick I have been on recently is related to fashion. I think my idle drawings could wind up being a really cool collection of t-shirts and dresses and such. I have always had an interest in fashion, but have only really discovered my real love for it fairly recently. It is a beautiful art, and one I kind of hope to take part in somewhere down the road.
One thing happened today at work that I found really interesting. Early in the day, our program manager came to my desk and asked me to sign off and come see him in his office. Based on the great deal of visits I had to pay to his office when I worked there before, I kind of have an automatic reflex of being concerned or feeling like I am getting in trouble any time I am asked to go in there. I think he sensed that, because he said, “Don’t worry, nothing’s wrong. It’ll just take a second.” He pulled me into his office to confirm with me, as he had heard from my sister and her girlfriend, that I rescinded my application for the position that is open right now. He even knew that it was because I was planning to move to California. I told him that, yes, this was my plan and that I felt it would be unfair to the management team, as well as the other applicants, for me to pursue it when I did not have the intention of being there very much longer. He said he appreciated that, and just wanted to make sure that he wasn’t leaving me out as he is preparing to do interviews and such. He also wished me luck and said he hoped things work out the way I want them to. He absolutely did not have to do that, and I was very impressed with that. As it turns out, things have improved between us since I came back to the account last year. It is a nice feeling, honestly, and kind of makes me feel like these people, the management on the account, finally actually take me seriously, in spite of my makeup and flamboyancy. That is a really good feeling, and one I absolutely never expected to have. It also makes me feel like if I am able to get this guy who really didn’t even want to let me back on his account to change his mind about me, I can get anybody to. That is a very powerful thing. As I’ve discussed here before, I have always struggled with trying to be taken seriously, so this feels like a great stride in the right direction.
The main thing about today, as I mentioned above, is that it felt like in this moment, on this day, everything is exactly as it is meant to be. How so? Well, I am here, 100% ready and willing and placing myself in the perfect position to move forward. One song on the Vedera album that I did not mention is called just that, “Move Forward.” That song, which is not actually included on their album except as an iTunes Bonus Track, really kind of sums up how I am feeling at this point. I feel the need to move forward with my life. I wouldn’t say that my time here in Florida has not been immensely helpful in my quest to move forward. I feel like, in so many ways, Florida has helped me become the person that I am today; a person who is ready to move forward. A person without fear or hesitancy, who is ready to take on anything and everything in pursuit of my destiny, I don’t know if, had I stayed in California back in 2004, I would be the person I am today. I don’t know if I would be as strong as I am now. Yes, living in Florida was an extremely important step along the road… but now that the step has been taken, it is time to take a brand new step. Okay, so the step may be on old, familiar territory, but the step is being taken as a brand new person heading in a brand new direction. THAT is the important part. I just know that I am going to achieve something incredible, and I simply cannot wait to get started. I cannot wait to move forward.
I woke up and found that my Mom was in better spirits than she was yesterday, which is a very good thing. I don’t know what is going to do it for her but whatever it may be, I just have this feeling like it is coming. It is coming very soon. Whatever it is that is going to pick her up off the ground and make everything right for her is well on it’s way and once it arrives, me moving to California will be the last thing on her mind. Well, I’m sure it won’t be the last thing on her mind, but it will be looked at fondly. I say this as if she doesn’t look at it fondly already. I mean, she does, but I think she also looks at it with hesitancy. Hesitancy is not something I can afford at this point. Hesitancy is the enemy. This is one major problem with making big decisions in advance. When you decide on things early you allow yourself more time to plan and prepare, but you also allow yourself more time to analyze and over-think them. Analyzing and over-thinking are the gateways through which we allow things like hesitancy and fear into our lives. Well, I’m sorry, but those gateways are closed for business. Nothing is getting in. Sure, that may mean I am closed off to a few positive things like caution, logic and rationality, as well, but I don’t need those things right now. They do not serve my cause here, and I am fine with not being open to anything that does not serve my cause.
Still no email or call from my Uncle. It’s only been two days. I don’t know what I’m expecting, but I just have to be patient about it all. I will hear from him, and I don’t doubt that he will let me come stay with him. Everything is going to fall into place as it is meant to. Everything is going to be fucking wonderful. I don’t doubt that for a second. What I need to focus on now is enjoying the time I have left here while making plans for what comes next: California. It’s funny, though, because every little thing here takes me back to California in my head. It has been extremely cold these past few days, and my smoke breaks at work are pretty unbearable because it is freezing. I find myself on every one of those breaks thinking to myself, “I’ll bet it’s not this cold in California.” I almost feel like I am, in a way, completely romanticizing California. I grew up there. I spent my formative years there. I know what it’s like, and it certainly isn’t a rose garden. The more I think about it now, though, the more I can only see the good. I’m sure once I get there that whole concept will go out the window… but I don’t know. Maybe it won’t. I hope that I will, and I will strive to, let all of these feelings I am feeling about it right now remain and really make me appreciate it all once I get there. I don’t doubt that I will have any trouble appreciating it, but I also know that the ideals I am dreaming up in my head right now are sure to not remain once I am living the reality of it all. Either way, though, I know that it will be completely different than the reality I am living in now. I think different is exactly what I need.
I am listening to this band that I discovered about an hour ago, called Vedera. I had heard their name before, but never really knew much of anything about them. I happened to be looking at iTunes and saw that they had the Free Single Of The Week. I have discovered quite a few different artists that I have come to really love by way of the iTunes Free Single Of The Week, including Lenka, Kate Walsh, Ida Maria, etc. Vedera is sure to be added to that list. The band is made up of Kristen May and her husband/lead guitarist Brian Little, and their music is just gorgeous. It is rock, at its core, but has big, infectious pop hooks. Kristen May’s vocals are really the part that sucks you in, though. She’s got this gorgeous, airy voice that is reminiscent of Natalie Imbruglia or Leigh Nash from Sixpence None The Richer, but all her own. She has this amazing ability to move between really strong, powerhouse belting and soft, sweet lilting. I love artists who can move from emotion to emotion with ease from song to song, and even better when they can do it all within a single song. Their major label debut album, “Stages” is absolutely stunning. I just finished listening to it for the first time, and immediately played it from the beginning again. I am pretty sure this is going to become one of those records I listen to obsessively for months. I am very excited about it. Key tracks include the first single, and the iTunes Free Single Of The Week, “Satisfy,” “If You Go,” “Loving Ghosts,” “A World Apart,” “Back To The Middle,” “The Rain,” and basically the rest of the album. It is really a gorgeous collection of songs and I highly recommend it. It’s hot shit.
So, today was another busy day at work. It was also my Admin day. Essentially, myself and one of my co-workers kind of split the Administrative work that comes in, like web enrollments and various accounts that have failed and things of that nature. We don’t really split it, per se, but she does three days a week and I do the other two. Today was that day for me, but with the phones being busy I was a little sporadic in getting things done. I’d finish one or two things, then stop to take calls that were holding, then complete a couple more things. I managed to stay very busy all day today. Unfortunately, that didn’t make the day pass as quickly as it did yesterday, but it wasn’t a day that really dragged, either. I managed to finish the drawing I talked about yesterday, inspired by the Brandi Carlile song “The Story.” I really like the way it turned out, too. As I have mentioned a few times here, I think that I have figured out that the whole drawing kick I have been on recently is related to fashion. I think my idle drawings could wind up being a really cool collection of t-shirts and dresses and such. I have always had an interest in fashion, but have only really discovered my real love for it fairly recently. It is a beautiful art, and one I kind of hope to take part in somewhere down the road.
One thing happened today at work that I found really interesting. Early in the day, our program manager came to my desk and asked me to sign off and come see him in his office. Based on the great deal of visits I had to pay to his office when I worked there before, I kind of have an automatic reflex of being concerned or feeling like I am getting in trouble any time I am asked to go in there. I think he sensed that, because he said, “Don’t worry, nothing’s wrong. It’ll just take a second.” He pulled me into his office to confirm with me, as he had heard from my sister and her girlfriend, that I rescinded my application for the position that is open right now. He even knew that it was because I was planning to move to California. I told him that, yes, this was my plan and that I felt it would be unfair to the management team, as well as the other applicants, for me to pursue it when I did not have the intention of being there very much longer. He said he appreciated that, and just wanted to make sure that he wasn’t leaving me out as he is preparing to do interviews and such. He also wished me luck and said he hoped things work out the way I want them to. He absolutely did not have to do that, and I was very impressed with that. As it turns out, things have improved between us since I came back to the account last year. It is a nice feeling, honestly, and kind of makes me feel like these people, the management on the account, finally actually take me seriously, in spite of my makeup and flamboyancy. That is a really good feeling, and one I absolutely never expected to have. It also makes me feel like if I am able to get this guy who really didn’t even want to let me back on his account to change his mind about me, I can get anybody to. That is a very powerful thing. As I’ve discussed here before, I have always struggled with trying to be taken seriously, so this feels like a great stride in the right direction.
The main thing about today, as I mentioned above, is that it felt like in this moment, on this day, everything is exactly as it is meant to be. How so? Well, I am here, 100% ready and willing and placing myself in the perfect position to move forward. One song on the Vedera album that I did not mention is called just that, “Move Forward.” That song, which is not actually included on their album except as an iTunes Bonus Track, really kind of sums up how I am feeling at this point. I feel the need to move forward with my life. I wouldn’t say that my time here in Florida has not been immensely helpful in my quest to move forward. I feel like, in so many ways, Florida has helped me become the person that I am today; a person who is ready to move forward. A person without fear or hesitancy, who is ready to take on anything and everything in pursuit of my destiny, I don’t know if, had I stayed in California back in 2004, I would be the person I am today. I don’t know if I would be as strong as I am now. Yes, living in Florida was an extremely important step along the road… but now that the step has been taken, it is time to take a brand new step. Okay, so the step may be on old, familiar territory, but the step is being taken as a brand new person heading in a brand new direction. THAT is the important part. I just know that I am going to achieve something incredible, and I simply cannot wait to get started. I cannot wait to move forward.
Tuesday, January 5
Chapter 60: Being Boring
I don’t know where to begin today, which I suppose is good because I don’t know where to go with this blog today, either. I guess there’s no better place to start than regressing back to the music of the 90s. A few days ago I downloaded two albums by a woman I had only ever heard one song by. That woman was Tina Arena, and she sang a song called “Chains,” which was only a minor hit back in the mid-90s. It was a good song. I haven’t actually heard that song in probably well over a decade. In countries other than America, she was not a one-hit wonder and has been making music for 15 years or so, and I always thought she had a really great voice and that I would like to hear more from her. I came across this article on Wikipedia about the song “Do You Know Where You’re Going To” from the film “Mahogany,” (after which yesterday’s blog was titled,) and found that she had done a cover of that song, on an album full of cover songs from the “good old days,” called “Songs Of Love & Loss.” I then searched her on Wikipedia and found that she had also released a “Songs Of Love & Loss 2,” and both albums were full of covers of songs that I absolutely love, so I figured “What the hell? Why not download them both?” That was an excellent plan because I have pretty much become obsessed with both of the albums. Her voice is amazing and she really puts a brilliant spin on these songs. One song in particular that I love her take on is “Everybody Hurts,” by R.E.M., one of the few songs later than the 70s that she does on these albums. It is just her voice and a piano doing this cover and it is absolutely gorgeous. She does some amazing covers of songs like, “Nights In White Satin,” “To Sir With Love,” “Do You Know Where You’re Going To,” “Both Sides Now,” (also recently discussed in this blog,) “Call Me” by Blondie, “Every Breath You Take” by The Police, etc. It is a really amazing collection of songs and actually makes me really curious to find out what her other original music, (aside from the one song,) sounds like. In the midst of all the Wikipedia searches and such, I also found out that she wrote one of my favorite songs by LeAnn Rimes, “You Made Me Find Myself.” That is such a gorgeous song, and if her original material is anything like that it is probably amazing. I will be looking into this further for sure.
Last night when I was going to bed, I tweeted something along the lines of, “Going to bed listening to Tina Arena. Yes, 90s one-hit wonder, I’m in chains, Tina Arena. What? It’s not like I said Merril Bainbridge.” Of course, being me, as soon as I mentioned the name Merril Bainbridge, a name I hadn’t thought of, (let alone brought up,) in years and years, a floodgate was opened in my head and I had to seek out her album again. For those of you unfamiliar with the name Merril Bainbridge, (a.k.a. most, if not all of you,) she is another one-hit wonder from the 90s. Her one hit? “When I kiss your mouth, I want to taste it, Turn you upside down, Don’t want to waste it.” Back when that song was out, I absolutely loved it and rushed out to buy the full album, called “The Garden.” I LOVED this album back in my early teen years. She is Australian, and listening to her lyrics now it really comes across that she is not American born. I found that really charming when I was 13 or so. In fact, listening to the album now, I still find it pretty charming. It’s a very offbeat record, but a really good one. It’s like 50% quirky, acoustic-based pop and 50% quirky, acoustic, singer-songwriter type fare. There are some hidden gems in the album, particularly “Garden In My Room,” which is basically using a garden as one big metaphor for sex, “Under The Water,” which in literal terms would be about watching your lover drown, but runs deeper than that, and her gorgeous cover of “Being Boring,” one of my favorite songs by one of my all-time favorite bands, the Pet Shop Boys. I am pretty excited listening to this album again, and it is bringing back a LOT of memories of my early teen years.
It seems like music was a LOT different back in the 90s. I wouldn’t necessarily say that it was better or worse than it is now, it was just a different type of experience. I will say that lyrics in the 90s were filled with a lot more subtle nuances. Of course, there are a lot of artists from the 90s that I have followed along the way and remained a fan of. Two, in particular, hail from Australia, like both Tina Arena and Merril Bainbridge. First of all, there is Natalie Imbruglia. Most people remember her for the song “Torn,” which was a massive hit in the late 90s, but she had quite a few other hits in the US, as well. “Torn” remains the biggest one, though. She is a brilliant artist and songwriter, as well as one of my favorite artists. I have followed her ever since that first album, “Left Of The Middle,” was released. That album was a big place to take solace for my 14 year old self. I still listen to it pretty frequently, along with all the albums she has released since then. Another artist from the 90s who I have kept up with really well and who has become an all-time favorite of mine is Darren Hayes. In the 90s Darren was known as the voice of the mega-huge band, Savage Garden. Savage Garden had a few really huge hits, mostly “Truly Madly Deeply” and “I Knew I Loved You.” What always struck me about Savage Garden, though, was the fact that those songs were good and everything, but the stuff on their albums were so much different and so much better. Darren Hayes writes lyrics kind of like he is writing poetry. It is beautiful and full of fascinating imagery. It always made me sad that people never really recognized that side of the band. The band wound up breaking up in 2000, and Darren began a solo career, full of music far better than anything he achieved as lead singer of Savage Garden, in my opinion. That man is a marvel! His music, more solo than Savage Garden, has been a major part of my life in the past 15 years or so. Each solo record he releases just gets better and better than the last, which is really saying something because the last record was always completely, breathtakingly, awe-inspiringly brilliant. I couldn’t say enough good things about him, as a vocalist or as a songwriter. He is just brilliant.
Spending the first three paragraphs of the blog discussing Australian Pop Stars of the 90s is a sign that I either don’t have anything to talk about or am trying to avoid talking about something. It is a little bit of both, honestly. The day at work was pretty uneventful. It was a busier day than we have had in quite a while and, despite the fact that it doesn’t normally work for me, it really made the day seem to pass by quickly. Between, and in some cases during, calls I continued work on a drawing I started last week inspired by the song “The Story” by Brandi Carlile. There is a part of that song that says, “All of these lines upon my face tell you the story of who I am.” The initial concept was to draw a woman’s face with lines in all the usual spots women get lines as they age, but within the areas separated by those lines would be an image of some part of this woman’s story. After a couple failed attempts at drawing things like Weddings and childbirth and such, I decided instead to place words in various spots along the lines on her face. It would make a really cool t-shirt. The more I think about it, the more I would love to do a line of t-shirts with random drawings like these I have been doing lately. I think it would be a really cool thing to do and would create something really interesting and unique for people to wear. We shall see what comes of that, though. If nothing else, I think it’d be pretty cool to figure out how to make these shirts for my friends and I to wear. That is, if I could figure out how to do it and make it look good. Aside from the drawing, though, it was a pretty bland day… and a very cold one. I am sick of this weather. I live in Florida, for chrissakes, it isn’t supposed to be this cold. If I were in California I would at least understand it, as deserts tend to be hot during the day and freezing at night. This is just ridiculous, though. I spent my lunch break sitting in the sun, which didn’t help at all because of the cool wind. I don’t like it, and I hope it goes away soon. I don’t understand how people tolerate living in northern states, where it gets even colder than this and actually snows and such. I mean, when I was 13 or 14, I lived in Arkansas for a couple years and it did get to freezing temperatures and snowed and such there, and I dealt with it just fine. That was like 12 years ago, though, and I haven’t had to deal with the cold really since then. It sucks. I like it better than the heat, but I still don’t really like it. I just prefer nice weather that is never overwhelmingly hot or humid, and never overwhelmingly cold; I prefer California weather, basically. Lately, I prefer California EVERYTHING, though.
I am getting worried about California a bit, if I am being honest. Today my Mom hit a new, different kind of snag in the quest to get her in a place where she is ready and able to thrive on her own here. I kind of feel like I make it out like my Mom is completely dependent upon me. That is really not the case, and if she moved into a smaller, less expensive place to live I think she could get by perfectly fine financially. I’m pretty confident that she will find a better paying job sometime soon, anyway. The snag she hit today was not in the financial realm, though. I am not going to go into details about it because it is not my story to tell, but I am concerned that she may not be in the best emotional place to be suddenly living alone 5 months from now. Of course, you never know what can happen in 5 months time. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens between now and then. I am still completely determined to move back to California. I keep saying, because I know it is true, that the Universe is working in my favor right now and will make sure that I am able to get there and make things happen for myself. I have yet to hear back from my Uncle, but I am not concerned about that right now. I just emailed him yesterday, after all, and I’m sure he needs time to think about the whole thing. Plus, who knows how frequently he checks his email. He may not have even read it yet. I just have to be patient. Everything is going to fall into place as it is meant to, and all I have to do is continue to focus on my goals. The Universe will make sure that everything else falls where it needs to. I will stop worrying about California immediately because I cannot afford to put out a frequency of fear or doubt to the Universe. I can only put out a frequency of absolute certainty. THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
I am really starting to get excited about this coming Sunday, January 10, when Yehuda Berg comes to town for a discussion and signing of his newest book, “The Power To Change Everything.” I think it is very important that I attend this and, after today, I am pretty determined to make sure that my Mom attends with me. I think we could both use a little encouragement and reminder that we really do have “The Power To Change Everything.” I am also pretty excited to read this new book from Yehuda Berg, aside from my excitement over meeting him and listening to him speak live. I think it is exactly what I need in my life right now. I think it is exactly what my Mom needs in her life right now, as well. One thing I really want to do once I get back to LA is pay a visit to the Kabbalah Centre International, which is based there in LA. When I went out there in 2007, I had really wanted to visit the Centre but had recently been in contact with them, without any provocation of my own beyond a few donations to SFK and Raising Malawi. They suddenly started calling me and trying to pressure me into purchasing the “Living Kabbalah” audio program for something in the range of $200. I couldn’t afford that at the time. Hell, I can’t afford that now. I let that whole experience put me off of visiting the Kabbalah Centre, and even kind of put me off of Kabbalah itself for a while. No more, though. I have issues with most forms of organized religion, but I have to remind myself: Kabbalah is not a religion. It is a technology, a science. Most of all, it is a way of life; a way of life I really feel like I need to get back to. Meeting and hearing a discussion by Yehuda Berg is a great gateway back in, I think. I am really extremely excited for this and just know that somewhere in the whole experience I will find some answers that I have desperately been searching for. It is going to be great, and I cannot wait!
For now, though, it is after midnight and I really should be getting to bed. In some ways, I am hoping tomorrow will be just as busy as today. It’s not necessarily that I am hoping it will be as busy, per se, it is that I hope it will pass as quickly. That would be lovely. We’ll see how that goes. Being the dead of winter now and just coming off of a holiday weekend, I think we will manage to stay pretty steady for a little while here. I think, no matter how much I may want to complain about it, busy is the best way to go for me right now. It can keep me focused on doing work-related things and not screwing around and getting into inappropriate conversations with my co-workers, or idle, hateful gossip and speculation about others. When you gossip or speak negatively about others, you are simply opening yourself up to receive the Evil Eye. I’ve got far too much good coming my way to welcome even the slightest bit of bad in. I’ve been allowing myself to get caught up in it all for the past few months, but I refuse to any longer. It is not the person who I want to be, so it is not the person I am going to run around acting like. No more of that for me. What is there for me, then? Right now, there is bed.
Last night when I was going to bed, I tweeted something along the lines of, “Going to bed listening to Tina Arena. Yes, 90s one-hit wonder, I’m in chains, Tina Arena. What? It’s not like I said Merril Bainbridge.” Of course, being me, as soon as I mentioned the name Merril Bainbridge, a name I hadn’t thought of, (let alone brought up,) in years and years, a floodgate was opened in my head and I had to seek out her album again. For those of you unfamiliar with the name Merril Bainbridge, (a.k.a. most, if not all of you,) she is another one-hit wonder from the 90s. Her one hit? “When I kiss your mouth, I want to taste it, Turn you upside down, Don’t want to waste it.” Back when that song was out, I absolutely loved it and rushed out to buy the full album, called “The Garden.” I LOVED this album back in my early teen years. She is Australian, and listening to her lyrics now it really comes across that she is not American born. I found that really charming when I was 13 or so. In fact, listening to the album now, I still find it pretty charming. It’s a very offbeat record, but a really good one. It’s like 50% quirky, acoustic-based pop and 50% quirky, acoustic, singer-songwriter type fare. There are some hidden gems in the album, particularly “Garden In My Room,” which is basically using a garden as one big metaphor for sex, “Under The Water,” which in literal terms would be about watching your lover drown, but runs deeper than that, and her gorgeous cover of “Being Boring,” one of my favorite songs by one of my all-time favorite bands, the Pet Shop Boys. I am pretty excited listening to this album again, and it is bringing back a LOT of memories of my early teen years.
It seems like music was a LOT different back in the 90s. I wouldn’t necessarily say that it was better or worse than it is now, it was just a different type of experience. I will say that lyrics in the 90s were filled with a lot more subtle nuances. Of course, there are a lot of artists from the 90s that I have followed along the way and remained a fan of. Two, in particular, hail from Australia, like both Tina Arena and Merril Bainbridge. First of all, there is Natalie Imbruglia. Most people remember her for the song “Torn,” which was a massive hit in the late 90s, but she had quite a few other hits in the US, as well. “Torn” remains the biggest one, though. She is a brilliant artist and songwriter, as well as one of my favorite artists. I have followed her ever since that first album, “Left Of The Middle,” was released. That album was a big place to take solace for my 14 year old self. I still listen to it pretty frequently, along with all the albums she has released since then. Another artist from the 90s who I have kept up with really well and who has become an all-time favorite of mine is Darren Hayes. In the 90s Darren was known as the voice of the mega-huge band, Savage Garden. Savage Garden had a few really huge hits, mostly “Truly Madly Deeply” and “I Knew I Loved You.” What always struck me about Savage Garden, though, was the fact that those songs were good and everything, but the stuff on their albums were so much different and so much better. Darren Hayes writes lyrics kind of like he is writing poetry. It is beautiful and full of fascinating imagery. It always made me sad that people never really recognized that side of the band. The band wound up breaking up in 2000, and Darren began a solo career, full of music far better than anything he achieved as lead singer of Savage Garden, in my opinion. That man is a marvel! His music, more solo than Savage Garden, has been a major part of my life in the past 15 years or so. Each solo record he releases just gets better and better than the last, which is really saying something because the last record was always completely, breathtakingly, awe-inspiringly brilliant. I couldn’t say enough good things about him, as a vocalist or as a songwriter. He is just brilliant.
Spending the first three paragraphs of the blog discussing Australian Pop Stars of the 90s is a sign that I either don’t have anything to talk about or am trying to avoid talking about something. It is a little bit of both, honestly. The day at work was pretty uneventful. It was a busier day than we have had in quite a while and, despite the fact that it doesn’t normally work for me, it really made the day seem to pass by quickly. Between, and in some cases during, calls I continued work on a drawing I started last week inspired by the song “The Story” by Brandi Carlile. There is a part of that song that says, “All of these lines upon my face tell you the story of who I am.” The initial concept was to draw a woman’s face with lines in all the usual spots women get lines as they age, but within the areas separated by those lines would be an image of some part of this woman’s story. After a couple failed attempts at drawing things like Weddings and childbirth and such, I decided instead to place words in various spots along the lines on her face. It would make a really cool t-shirt. The more I think about it, the more I would love to do a line of t-shirts with random drawings like these I have been doing lately. I think it would be a really cool thing to do and would create something really interesting and unique for people to wear. We shall see what comes of that, though. If nothing else, I think it’d be pretty cool to figure out how to make these shirts for my friends and I to wear. That is, if I could figure out how to do it and make it look good. Aside from the drawing, though, it was a pretty bland day… and a very cold one. I am sick of this weather. I live in Florida, for chrissakes, it isn’t supposed to be this cold. If I were in California I would at least understand it, as deserts tend to be hot during the day and freezing at night. This is just ridiculous, though. I spent my lunch break sitting in the sun, which didn’t help at all because of the cool wind. I don’t like it, and I hope it goes away soon. I don’t understand how people tolerate living in northern states, where it gets even colder than this and actually snows and such. I mean, when I was 13 or 14, I lived in Arkansas for a couple years and it did get to freezing temperatures and snowed and such there, and I dealt with it just fine. That was like 12 years ago, though, and I haven’t had to deal with the cold really since then. It sucks. I like it better than the heat, but I still don’t really like it. I just prefer nice weather that is never overwhelmingly hot or humid, and never overwhelmingly cold; I prefer California weather, basically. Lately, I prefer California EVERYTHING, though.
I am getting worried about California a bit, if I am being honest. Today my Mom hit a new, different kind of snag in the quest to get her in a place where she is ready and able to thrive on her own here. I kind of feel like I make it out like my Mom is completely dependent upon me. That is really not the case, and if she moved into a smaller, less expensive place to live I think she could get by perfectly fine financially. I’m pretty confident that she will find a better paying job sometime soon, anyway. The snag she hit today was not in the financial realm, though. I am not going to go into details about it because it is not my story to tell, but I am concerned that she may not be in the best emotional place to be suddenly living alone 5 months from now. Of course, you never know what can happen in 5 months time. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens between now and then. I am still completely determined to move back to California. I keep saying, because I know it is true, that the Universe is working in my favor right now and will make sure that I am able to get there and make things happen for myself. I have yet to hear back from my Uncle, but I am not concerned about that right now. I just emailed him yesterday, after all, and I’m sure he needs time to think about the whole thing. Plus, who knows how frequently he checks his email. He may not have even read it yet. I just have to be patient. Everything is going to fall into place as it is meant to, and all I have to do is continue to focus on my goals. The Universe will make sure that everything else falls where it needs to. I will stop worrying about California immediately because I cannot afford to put out a frequency of fear or doubt to the Universe. I can only put out a frequency of absolute certainty. THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
I am really starting to get excited about this coming Sunday, January 10, when Yehuda Berg comes to town for a discussion and signing of his newest book, “The Power To Change Everything.” I think it is very important that I attend this and, after today, I am pretty determined to make sure that my Mom attends with me. I think we could both use a little encouragement and reminder that we really do have “The Power To Change Everything.” I am also pretty excited to read this new book from Yehuda Berg, aside from my excitement over meeting him and listening to him speak live. I think it is exactly what I need in my life right now. I think it is exactly what my Mom needs in her life right now, as well. One thing I really want to do once I get back to LA is pay a visit to the Kabbalah Centre International, which is based there in LA. When I went out there in 2007, I had really wanted to visit the Centre but had recently been in contact with them, without any provocation of my own beyond a few donations to SFK and Raising Malawi. They suddenly started calling me and trying to pressure me into purchasing the “Living Kabbalah” audio program for something in the range of $200. I couldn’t afford that at the time. Hell, I can’t afford that now. I let that whole experience put me off of visiting the Kabbalah Centre, and even kind of put me off of Kabbalah itself for a while. No more, though. I have issues with most forms of organized religion, but I have to remind myself: Kabbalah is not a religion. It is a technology, a science. Most of all, it is a way of life; a way of life I really feel like I need to get back to. Meeting and hearing a discussion by Yehuda Berg is a great gateway back in, I think. I am really extremely excited for this and just know that somewhere in the whole experience I will find some answers that I have desperately been searching for. It is going to be great, and I cannot wait!
For now, though, it is after midnight and I really should be getting to bed. In some ways, I am hoping tomorrow will be just as busy as today. It’s not necessarily that I am hoping it will be as busy, per se, it is that I hope it will pass as quickly. That would be lovely. We’ll see how that goes. Being the dead of winter now and just coming off of a holiday weekend, I think we will manage to stay pretty steady for a little while here. I think, no matter how much I may want to complain about it, busy is the best way to go for me right now. It can keep me focused on doing work-related things and not screwing around and getting into inappropriate conversations with my co-workers, or idle, hateful gossip and speculation about others. When you gossip or speak negatively about others, you are simply opening yourself up to receive the Evil Eye. I’ve got far too much good coming my way to welcome even the slightest bit of bad in. I’ve been allowing myself to get caught up in it all for the past few months, but I refuse to any longer. It is not the person who I want to be, so it is not the person I am going to run around acting like. No more of that for me. What is there for me, then? Right now, there is bed.
Monday, January 4
Chapter 59: Do You Know Where You're Going To
Today was another lazy day to cap off a very lazy three-day weekend. I woke up at 11:30am and immediately gathered up a load of laundry. There were only a few things that I really felt needed to be done this weekend in order for me to consider it a productive weekend: Laundry, cleaning my room and sending the email I mentioned in the past two blogs to my Uncle and asking to stay with him. Two out of three’s not bad, I suppose. First things first, I decided to gather up laundry and at least get the stuff scattered all over my bathroom floor cleaned today. I actually managed to complete that goal by the early evening time tonight. Laundry, as much as people bitch about it, is really not difficult and takes no time at all to do. Of course, I think the people who bitch about it the most are the ones who don’t have a washer/dryer at home. In their case, I definitely feel their pain. We were those people up until April of 2009, when we moved into this apartment. Laundry itself is not a difficult or even annoying process, but the Laundromat is definitely a terrible experience. I used to hate those places. Sadly, I didn’t really deal with them that much. I made my Mom go do it by herself. I feel really guilty for that, looking back. She always said she didn’t mind or whatever, but I know how much the Laundromat sucks when you have someone to talk to, I can only imagine how awful it must be when you’re alone. Looking back on my more recent life, really up to the point that she lost her job, I feel terrible about some of the ways I treated my Mom. I wouldn’t say that I treated her horribly, but I think I took a lot of things she did for granted and really didn’t do anything at all out of my way to make things any easier for her, while she did everything she could to make things easier for me.
I did wind up writing the email to my Uncle today, as well. As I have mentioned here before, I have been very nervous about approaching the whole concept with him. I don’t really know why, except that it is really a lot to ask of somebody. I know we are family and I know he has said to both my Mom and my Grandma that I would be welcome, but I don’t want to be an inconvenience or put him out in any way. I said that in the email, as well, and stressed that I completely understand if he says no. I also said it would only be temporary, until I could get on my feet there and find a place of my own, and that I am more than willing and happy to help with rent and bills while I am there. We’ll see what comes of that. I am sure that he will let me come stay with him. I just don’t want to put him out in any way. I don’t know why, but I still feel really nervous about the whole thing. I think, really, what I am nervous about is what it means if he does say yes. As much as I know that this is the right thing for me and I really have to do it, now that I am actually taking steps towards making it happen it is starting to freak me out. I know I talked before about how I didn’t really feel any fear about the whole thing, but now that I am taking steps towards making the whole thing a more solid plan I am starting to understand the risks involved a lot more than I did before. I know it is the best thing for me right now and I know that this is absolutely what I need to do if I am ever going to make anything of my life… but what if I get out there and it just doesn’t happen for me? What if I get out there and I am not able to get my shit together? What if I am incapable of functioning on my own as an adult? What if I go all the way out there and completely crash and burn? NO! That talk has to stop now. I know that will not happen. That is not what my life is meant for and I will not allow myself to fall into complacency or settle for a life that isn’t exactly what I know is meant for me. I have complete confidence in my abilities, and I know that I have everything it takes to make all of my dreams come true. There is no room for doubt. There is no room for concerns or thoughts of “what if I’m not good enough?” or “what if I’m not capable?” or any of that. I AM good enough. I AM capable. I WILL make this happen. I will because there is not another option. There is not another option because I am unwilling to accept any other options. I have been shown what I am meant for. I have known it since I was just a child. I have seen the road laid out in front of me and I absolutely refuse to let any fears stop me from following it.
I had a talk with my Mom about what I discussed yesterday, and how I felt like everybody else in my life is equipped to make it by without me and how I am not sure that she is. She is not being the most optimistic about her prospects once I leave, either, and that really upsets me. She keeps telling me that I need to do this no matter what type of position she is in at the time, but I just can’t imagine leaving when she is not in a stable position in life. She says that she doesn’t know how she would feel about living alone because she never has before, but also says that is what she will likely end up doing. I don’t know what to think about that. I don’t know what to think about any of it right now. I KNOW that I need to go. I know that is what I simply have to do, but I can’t leave her here unable to support herself. She needs a better job and she needs it as soon as possible. She said something today about living alone that really got to me; “I’ll probably have to get a second job, so I won’t be home much anyway.” I’LL PROBABLY HAVE TO GET A SECOND JOB, as in “I won’t be able to support myself without working all day every day.” I hate the idea of that. I hate the way it was worded, although I know she didn’t mean anything by it. It read to me as, “(Without you helping me) I’ll have to work all day every day in order to barely scrape by in life.” I CAN’T let that happen. Something has to change immediately. We’re just going to have to keep working at that in the coming months and make sure that she is a position where she won’t have to work all day every day. Aside from that, I think living alone would be okay for her. She’s got my sister here in town and, surely with her living alone, my sister would make sure to check in on her and spend time with her more often than she does now. It could actually be a good opportunity for the two of them to get closer than they are currently. She also has her boyfriend, which will be a big help to her, as well. I mean, I know as long as she gets a better paying job she will be able to manage just fine. I just don’t want her to be unhappy. When I think about it more, what I really wish could happen is for her to just move to California with me. I don’t think that can or will happen for a number of reasons, but it would be nice. No matter what, though, I know that this is what I need to do FOR ME. I have said all along that I need to throw everything else to the wind and be selfish in this situation and I am comfortable with that, for the most part. After everything she has done for me in my life, though, I can’t just disregard how my Mom feels or how she will be able to get by. She is very supportive of the whole thing, but if it is going to leave her in a terrible position I don’t know that I CAN just go be selfish and do what I need for me. It is absolutely imperative that we get her into a better paying job as soon as possible. That is the only option, and I know that I need this enough to make sure that nothing happens to prevent it from happening. I have said all along that the only thing that could prevent it from happening is if my Mom is not in a stable position to get by on her own… so I simply have to make sure that she is in a good position before May comes.
I spent most of the day watching funny gay people on TV, a.k.a. various standup specials on Logo. It’s been a long running joke for most of my life between Don and I that we call standup comedy shows, “funny whatever type people.” This stemmed from when we were younger and watched way too much TV together. There is a show on BET called “Comic View,” but at the time we did not know what it was called or just didn’t pay attention to the title. When flipping through channels we would often stop there and shout, “funny black people!” I don’t know how that came about exactly but, as far as we were concerned, that was simply what the show was called. I turned on these funny gay people at something like 2pm, and they stayed on the TV until 9pm when it was time for “Desperate Housewives.” Tonight’s episode of “Desperate Housewives” was amazing. I’m sure I have mentioned here before, but that is one of my absolute favorite shows. The writing is just brilliant. In the mid-season finale, a plane crashed into Wisteria Lane and tonight’s episode dealt with the aftermath in the most fascinating way: They had each housewife imagining what their life would be like had things gone differently for them or if they had made different decisions. This really got me thinking about things in my life right now. What would my life turn out like if I don’t move back to California? I would imagine that if I don’t go back to California, I’d probably stick around working at the place that shall not be named for security purposes and probably be pissed at myself for not pursuing a promotion when I had the chance. I’d surely remain living with my Mom, although I think we would find a less expensive place to live to suit our current financial status. I’d still hang out with my friends and probably allow myself to become closer with some of the people I work with. I’d also probably spend a lot of time wondering about what could have happened if I had gone back to California. That wouldn’t stop me from working on music still and I would probably eventually start writing my own music and still complete the collection of songs based on this blog. Eventually, I’d probably start booking myself some gigs at local bars and such, and once I’d learned how to drive, booking gigs in other areas around the state, as well. Maybe I would be able to get to the point of being one of those people who plays outside of the House Of Blues in Orlando. Maybe I would even eventually wind up moving to Orlando and continue pursuing my music career there. Orlando is full of indie bands and such, and it could still happen for me there. More likely, though, I would stay small-scale and simply sell my CDs at shows and online. Maybe I would do like Jay Brannan has and figure out a way to fund my own tour nationally, but I don’t have a film or anything like he has to create enough interest to demand a national tour. Still, I could probably wind up living a fairly comfortable life making music locally and gaining small-scale notoriety. That is not the life that I want, though. That is not the life that I am meant for. As I have said here before, I don’t want to be any sort of big shot celebrity or anything, but I want my music to reach enough people to make an impact and inspire real changes in people’s lives. Gaining some notoriety in Orlando isn’t the way to do that. I need to go to a place where there are real opportunities for success. I need to live in a major city. I need to make an impact on people’s lives all over the country and all over the world. That is what I am meant for. So, what I need to do is go to California. What I need to do in order to make sure that happens is make sure that my Mom is sorted out and will be okay to stay here or has a plan to go somewhere else. I need to make sure that I make my way out to California.
“Do you know where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know? Do you get what you’re hoping for? When you look behind you there’s no open doors, What are you hoping for? Do you know?” That is a song by Diana Ross, the theme from the film “Mahogany.” This song has always been close to my heart, and is no different at this time. I remember, back in 2000, when we were living in Arkansas and my Mom decided to move to Florida and I moved back to California. There was a little selection of songs that were my anthems at the time that made me think of my Mom, and this was one of them. It is funny thinking of that now, as I am listening to that song and asking myself those same questions. It kind of feels like, in a lot of ways, my life has come full circle from that point. “Now looking back at all we've planned, We let so many dreams just slip through our hands, Why must we wait so long before we see how sad the answers to those questions can be?”
I did wind up writing the email to my Uncle today, as well. As I have mentioned here before, I have been very nervous about approaching the whole concept with him. I don’t really know why, except that it is really a lot to ask of somebody. I know we are family and I know he has said to both my Mom and my Grandma that I would be welcome, but I don’t want to be an inconvenience or put him out in any way. I said that in the email, as well, and stressed that I completely understand if he says no. I also said it would only be temporary, until I could get on my feet there and find a place of my own, and that I am more than willing and happy to help with rent and bills while I am there. We’ll see what comes of that. I am sure that he will let me come stay with him. I just don’t want to put him out in any way. I don’t know why, but I still feel really nervous about the whole thing. I think, really, what I am nervous about is what it means if he does say yes. As much as I know that this is the right thing for me and I really have to do it, now that I am actually taking steps towards making it happen it is starting to freak me out. I know I talked before about how I didn’t really feel any fear about the whole thing, but now that I am taking steps towards making the whole thing a more solid plan I am starting to understand the risks involved a lot more than I did before. I know it is the best thing for me right now and I know that this is absolutely what I need to do if I am ever going to make anything of my life… but what if I get out there and it just doesn’t happen for me? What if I get out there and I am not able to get my shit together? What if I am incapable of functioning on my own as an adult? What if I go all the way out there and completely crash and burn? NO! That talk has to stop now. I know that will not happen. That is not what my life is meant for and I will not allow myself to fall into complacency or settle for a life that isn’t exactly what I know is meant for me. I have complete confidence in my abilities, and I know that I have everything it takes to make all of my dreams come true. There is no room for doubt. There is no room for concerns or thoughts of “what if I’m not good enough?” or “what if I’m not capable?” or any of that. I AM good enough. I AM capable. I WILL make this happen. I will because there is not another option. There is not another option because I am unwilling to accept any other options. I have been shown what I am meant for. I have known it since I was just a child. I have seen the road laid out in front of me and I absolutely refuse to let any fears stop me from following it.
I had a talk with my Mom about what I discussed yesterday, and how I felt like everybody else in my life is equipped to make it by without me and how I am not sure that she is. She is not being the most optimistic about her prospects once I leave, either, and that really upsets me. She keeps telling me that I need to do this no matter what type of position she is in at the time, but I just can’t imagine leaving when she is not in a stable position in life. She says that she doesn’t know how she would feel about living alone because she never has before, but also says that is what she will likely end up doing. I don’t know what to think about that. I don’t know what to think about any of it right now. I KNOW that I need to go. I know that is what I simply have to do, but I can’t leave her here unable to support herself. She needs a better job and she needs it as soon as possible. She said something today about living alone that really got to me; “I’ll probably have to get a second job, so I won’t be home much anyway.” I’LL PROBABLY HAVE TO GET A SECOND JOB, as in “I won’t be able to support myself without working all day every day.” I hate the idea of that. I hate the way it was worded, although I know she didn’t mean anything by it. It read to me as, “(Without you helping me) I’ll have to work all day every day in order to barely scrape by in life.” I CAN’T let that happen. Something has to change immediately. We’re just going to have to keep working at that in the coming months and make sure that she is a position where she won’t have to work all day every day. Aside from that, I think living alone would be okay for her. She’s got my sister here in town and, surely with her living alone, my sister would make sure to check in on her and spend time with her more often than she does now. It could actually be a good opportunity for the two of them to get closer than they are currently. She also has her boyfriend, which will be a big help to her, as well. I mean, I know as long as she gets a better paying job she will be able to manage just fine. I just don’t want her to be unhappy. When I think about it more, what I really wish could happen is for her to just move to California with me. I don’t think that can or will happen for a number of reasons, but it would be nice. No matter what, though, I know that this is what I need to do FOR ME. I have said all along that I need to throw everything else to the wind and be selfish in this situation and I am comfortable with that, for the most part. After everything she has done for me in my life, though, I can’t just disregard how my Mom feels or how she will be able to get by. She is very supportive of the whole thing, but if it is going to leave her in a terrible position I don’t know that I CAN just go be selfish and do what I need for me. It is absolutely imperative that we get her into a better paying job as soon as possible. That is the only option, and I know that I need this enough to make sure that nothing happens to prevent it from happening. I have said all along that the only thing that could prevent it from happening is if my Mom is not in a stable position to get by on her own… so I simply have to make sure that she is in a good position before May comes.
I spent most of the day watching funny gay people on TV, a.k.a. various standup specials on Logo. It’s been a long running joke for most of my life between Don and I that we call standup comedy shows, “funny whatever type people.” This stemmed from when we were younger and watched way too much TV together. There is a show on BET called “Comic View,” but at the time we did not know what it was called or just didn’t pay attention to the title. When flipping through channels we would often stop there and shout, “funny black people!” I don’t know how that came about exactly but, as far as we were concerned, that was simply what the show was called. I turned on these funny gay people at something like 2pm, and they stayed on the TV until 9pm when it was time for “Desperate Housewives.” Tonight’s episode of “Desperate Housewives” was amazing. I’m sure I have mentioned here before, but that is one of my absolute favorite shows. The writing is just brilliant. In the mid-season finale, a plane crashed into Wisteria Lane and tonight’s episode dealt with the aftermath in the most fascinating way: They had each housewife imagining what their life would be like had things gone differently for them or if they had made different decisions. This really got me thinking about things in my life right now. What would my life turn out like if I don’t move back to California? I would imagine that if I don’t go back to California, I’d probably stick around working at the place that shall not be named for security purposes and probably be pissed at myself for not pursuing a promotion when I had the chance. I’d surely remain living with my Mom, although I think we would find a less expensive place to live to suit our current financial status. I’d still hang out with my friends and probably allow myself to become closer with some of the people I work with. I’d also probably spend a lot of time wondering about what could have happened if I had gone back to California. That wouldn’t stop me from working on music still and I would probably eventually start writing my own music and still complete the collection of songs based on this blog. Eventually, I’d probably start booking myself some gigs at local bars and such, and once I’d learned how to drive, booking gigs in other areas around the state, as well. Maybe I would be able to get to the point of being one of those people who plays outside of the House Of Blues in Orlando. Maybe I would even eventually wind up moving to Orlando and continue pursuing my music career there. Orlando is full of indie bands and such, and it could still happen for me there. More likely, though, I would stay small-scale and simply sell my CDs at shows and online. Maybe I would do like Jay Brannan has and figure out a way to fund my own tour nationally, but I don’t have a film or anything like he has to create enough interest to demand a national tour. Still, I could probably wind up living a fairly comfortable life making music locally and gaining small-scale notoriety. That is not the life that I want, though. That is not the life that I am meant for. As I have said here before, I don’t want to be any sort of big shot celebrity or anything, but I want my music to reach enough people to make an impact and inspire real changes in people’s lives. Gaining some notoriety in Orlando isn’t the way to do that. I need to go to a place where there are real opportunities for success. I need to live in a major city. I need to make an impact on people’s lives all over the country and all over the world. That is what I am meant for. So, what I need to do is go to California. What I need to do in order to make sure that happens is make sure that my Mom is sorted out and will be okay to stay here or has a plan to go somewhere else. I need to make sure that I make my way out to California.
“Do you know where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know? Do you get what you’re hoping for? When you look behind you there’s no open doors, What are you hoping for? Do you know?” That is a song by Diana Ross, the theme from the film “Mahogany.” This song has always been close to my heart, and is no different at this time. I remember, back in 2000, when we were living in Arkansas and my Mom decided to move to Florida and I moved back to California. There was a little selection of songs that were my anthems at the time that made me think of my Mom, and this was one of them. It is funny thinking of that now, as I am listening to that song and asking myself those same questions. It kind of feels like, in a lot of ways, my life has come full circle from that point. “Now looking back at all we've planned, We let so many dreams just slip through our hands, Why must we wait so long before we see how sad the answers to those questions can be?”
Sunday, January 3
Chapter 58: Uncontrollable
Today wasn’t really all that interesting of a day. I woke up at noon and got a call from my Mom shortly after that asking if I wanted to go out to breakfast. After spending more money than I should have ever since getting paid this week, I was a little hesitant about going out and paying for breakfast, but I said okay. As I was sitting around waking up and catching up on Twitter and Facebook and such, I received a text message. It was from Sprint, my cell phone carrier. They were informing me that my service is scheduled for disconnection and I should make payment immediately. Of course, with my over-spending recently and the fact that we really only make enough money to scrape by at this point, I couldn’t afford to make payment immediately. Shit like this is a reminder to me: I am not in a position where I can throw money around anymore. I don’t know what it is, but something in me makes me forget that when I spot something I want. My Calvin Klein bag would be a good example of that. Even giving money to Raising Malawi, which I still hold is a very good thing, is not something that I was able to afford. I need to hold on to my money for situations like this. I really need to be paying more money out towards bills because they are getting paid, but not on time or in full. Rent and necessity bills are doing fine, as far as I know, but I consider my cell phone a necessity. I am not going to let myself get into a position where it gets shut off. We may not be doing great right now, but we are not doing badly enough to let things get shut off. I hate the fact that this has to be a concern right now, but I also know that it is not going to be this way for much longer. Once I move back to California and my Mom moves to a place that is less expensive, or in with somebody else, these things will be nothing but a memory. Actually, once my Mom gets a better job these things will be nothing but a memory. That is the important thing right now: We need to get my Mom a better job. How to do that? I’m not really sure. In the meantime, though, I really think I need to be putting out more money towards bills to make sure that they are able to get caught up sooner than they would if I keep going as I am now. I also need to stop spending money on things that are not entirely necessary. The clothes and bags and accessories and all that I have right now are plenty, (there are a LOT of them, to be honest.) Essentially, what I need to do is make sure that I have enough cash to meet social needs, (going out, preparing lovely meals at home and things of that nature,) because I do really need a social life… more than I need clothes and accessories. More than I need Tom Ford sunglasses, too.
Speaking of a social life, I have realized recently that the TV show of my life currently only has two sets: My house and my job. I rarely spend time anyplace else anymore. I can’t remember the last time that I went out somewhere or hung out at somebody else’s house even. I’ve hung out with other people at my house, but I haven’t really spent a considerable amount of time outside of those two places in quite some time. Aside from places like grocery or convenience stores, I haven’t really gone much of anywhere. I haven’t been to a movie theater or a mall or anything in probably over a month. It’s kind of unusual for me and I am not sure the reasoning behind it. I think it’s the whole “lack of money” thing maybe. Perhaps I have an “out of sight, out of mind” mentality towards shopping, and want to avoid it at all costs. Sadly, it is unavoidable. It’s everywhere you turn… especially on the internet, where I ordered my Calvin Klein bag and where I keep looking at Tom Ford glasses. Perhaps it is because I feel like without money to burn I don’t have any reason to go out or don’t have anything to offer. That would just be silly, though, and I think if that were the reason I would have figured it out earlier. In fact, I think that if money were the reason I would have figured it out earlier. I kind of fear it may be something much darker. My father suffered from severe agoraphobia when he was younger and, while I know that is not something that is hereditary, I have often wondered if I don’t suffer from a much less extreme case of that. Agoraphobia, as I understand it, is a condition where one becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where they feel that they have little control. There are cases that they call “Social Agoraphobia,” where a person has an extreme fear of public embarrassment or appearing distraught or panicked in public. I don’t really think that is something that I have, per se. I am not overly concerned about social embarrassment, in general. My issue is more of a feeling of being out of place or unwanted in social situations. I often find myself paranoid that people are talking about me or not wanting me around when I am there. I don’t know where this stems from, especially considering I am actually really good in social situations. It is just something I have always felt. Not the paranoia so much, but the feeling out of place or unwelcome. It’s never been something crippling to me in any way… that I know of. I just sometimes wonder if these periods where I don’t go anywhere, aside from work, may have something to do with that subconsciously. This is nothing but an idea in my head, though, and probably not a very good one.
So, when my Mom got home I told her about the text message from Sprint and that I thought it may be a better idea to just eat something at home instead, which she agreed to. I also decided to make a call to Sprint to see if there was anything that could be done to avoid an interruption in service before I get paid next week and can pay the bill. I have heard a lot of people recently, as well as over the years, bitch and complain about Sprint and their customer service. I’m not sure where that is coming from because I have been a customer with Sprint for about 5 years now and have had nothing but pleasant experiences with them anytime I have had to deal with them. Today was no different. I called them, told them the situation and that I wouldn’t be able to pay until next Friday, and they were completely nice about it and gave me an extension to ensure that I wouldn’t be shut off between now and then. They also helped me out with changing the plan for my second line, my Mom’s phone, in order to try and lower our monthly charges. Now it is just a matter of getting the bill caught up so there won’t be a late charge attached every month. It just sucks because I have never had a problem keeping my phone bill paid on time until now. Of course, the major change that took place was my Mom losing her job and adding a line for her. That made my bill considerably higher, and I had considerably less money to pay out on other bills and such every month. My bills getting higher at the same time as my cash flow getting less equates to me having trouble paying the bills. I am determined, at this point, to get it caught up and being able to just pay on time every month. I don’t think it will be that much of a struggle. It at least won’t be much more struggling than I am already doing. I absolutely hate the fact that I feel like LIFE is a struggle right now. Kabbalah teaches that the only things worth having in life are things we have to struggle for. It also states that struggling is a way for us to connect to the Light. If that is the case, then I am pretty sure that I must have a huge connection to the Light coming my way soon. I think maybe that Light, in this case, is the shine of the sun in California. That is the ultimate payoff I am working towards at this point, and I will struggle as much as I have to in order to get to that point. The struggles I am facing in the meantime are simply serving to make the payoff that much more sweet. I cannot wait.
While I was on the phone dealing with Sprint, my Mom was on the phone dealing with some shit of her own. She was arguing with her boyfriend about something that sounded pretty serious. This, once again, caused great concern for me. If they were to break up before I leave, I don’t know how I would deal with it. I just want to make sure that my Mom is in a place to get by okay without me. In talking about this in the past, I have mainly focused on the financial aspect. There ARE other aspects to be considered, though. I also want to make sure that she is in a good place emotionally for me to go away. That is what I am wanting for everybody in my life. I am pretty sure that my sister and her girlfriend are all set. I haven’t been a whole lot of emotional support to them, anyway, really. Another concern of mine has been Whitney, but with recent events I feel like she, and Nate, are pretty set, as well. There is also my friend Rachel, but she is doing really well for herself at this point, too. Of the main people I care about here, that only leaves my Mom. With things happening for everyone else to ensure they are going to be okay without me, all that is left is my Mom. Of course, she would be last. She is the one that is the biggest concern. Not to slight any of the others mentioned, but she is the only one that could possibly be a game changer for this whole thing. I just couldn’t, in good conscience, leave my Mom here in a situation that I don’t feel could work out for her or make it okay for her to get by without me. The Universe has been setting things up for me perfectly up to this point. It is clear that the Universe wants me to go back to California and find a way to fulfill the prophecy, (of sorts,) it revealed to me. For this reason, I am completely confident that my Mom’s situation is going to be improving very soon. To be even more certain of it, though, I am going to do anything I possibly can to help move that along in the right direction. Hearing her getting upset on the phone with her boyfriend definitely concerned me, though. Having sorted out the whole thing with Sprint for the moment and hearing how upset she was getting, I decided that going out for brunch and a drive would be a good idea to get her mind off of things. Once she got off the phone, we headed out.
We had initially discussed going down to Cracker Barrel, in Bradenton, but somewhere along the way we decided to go to this weird little “Country Buffet” type place there instead. Perhaps it is the elitist snob in me coming out, but I am never very comfortable in those places. This actually goes back to that whole “feeling out of place” thing I discussed earlier. I feel extremely out of place in any establishment with a name that involves words like “Country” or “Buffet.” Still, the food was decent and the meals were only $6.99 each, and $.75 for a drink. We ate there and just kind of talked for a while, and listened to their odd karaoke set up “live music,” while we ate. It is a very odd thing. We had gone to this same place once before and saw the same older gentleman with a karaoke system set up singing old songs about Georgia, (“Georgia On My Mind,” “Rainy Night In Georgia,” etc.) Today he added a few hidden gems to his repertoire, including “Cat’s In The Cradle,” and “Putting On The Ritz.” It’s a silly set up he’s got there, but I can definitely respect a guy of his age still doing what he can to live the dream. I figure if I don’t ever wind up achieving my goals, I could easily wind up being that guy. Thinking about it that way, I feel kind of bad that I didn’t go up and put a little something in his tip jar. Fortunately for me, though, I know that my life is not meant for something like that. I know that there are very big things in the future for me. What I need to remember, though, is that there are a million kids out there who feel exactly the same as I do right now. I have to let that drive me into the depths of myself and force me to push out the something truly amazing that I know is in there; something completely unique and different from what anybody else has to offer.
After leaving the “Country Buffet,” (which is in quotations because I don’t know the actual name of the place, only that it includes those two words somewhere in it,) we decided to drive out onto the keys in town and belt out songs from “Glee” in the car. My personal favorite is Lea Michele’s version of “Taking Chances” by Celine Dion. Of course, I would pick the song that was only featured in the episode for about a half a second. She just sings that song in a way similar to Celine, or the original by Kara Dioguardi’s band Platinum Weird, but really gives it a different vocal spin. I honestly kind of like her version best out of all of them. No matter who sings the song, though, it is one of my all-time favorites. It just feels like such an amazing feat of songwriting. It is really kind of a universal concept but written in a completely unique and beautiful way. I love that song. Another song, not featured on Glee but played in the car today, was “Both Sides Now.” I played the Dolly Parton version, but the song is written by Joni Mitchell and performed by Judy Collins originally. This is what I consider my favorite song of all-time, perhaps tied with “In The Sun” by Joseph Arthur. I just feel like “Both Sides Now” is a song that expressed a universal truth that has never really been conveyed, at least not as well, in music again. “Bows and flows of angel hair, Ice cream castles in the air, Feather canyons everywhere, I’ve looked at clouds that way, But now they only block the sun, They rain and snow on everyone, So many things I would have done, But clouds got in my way, I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it’s cloud illusions I recall, I really don’t know clouds at all.” I really relate to that song a lot in my life. I relate to that song in particular at this point. You see the ups and you see the downs and you think you’ve gotten a handle on it all, but then things happen that make you realize you really haven’t gotten a handle on anything. In the documentary from last year, “Britney Spears: For The Record,” Britney discusses her experiences of fame and celebrity and made a comment that has stuck with me ever since. She said that you can experience the absolute lowest thing you could imagine, a complete hell, but then at the same time you can experience absolute heaven. She said that when you are going through the hell, it feel like, well, hell, but then when you get to that heaven it is the greatest experience you could ever have. Of course, I haven’t had the full experience that she is talking about, at least not in the way she is talking about… but I feel like my life has always been a bit of a dichotomy. I have managed to experience the lowest I could imagine ever getting and I have experienced highs that I would never have imagined experiencing, in many cases at the same time. I just always related to that comment. The thing I understand now, though, is that there is a lot further for me to go in both directions. I understand that the future holds a LOT for me and I have a tendency to focus on the positives in the future, but I do know that there is going to be just as much of the downside in the future for me. I just have to prepare myself for anything. I mean, there really is no preparing for anything in life, but I can at least remain aware that there is a lot more coming.
When we got home, we made a frozen pizza and sat down to a movie: “Confessions Of A Shopaholic.” Aside from being one of the best movies I have seen in a while, (which is saying something because I have seen some great movies lately,) it is also a movie that I found myself relating to far too much for comfort. The main character, Rebecca Bloomwood, is a girl who loves shopping. She talks a lot in the movie about that feeling that comes over you when you see a store window display and see something gorgeous that you want. For many, that feeling is easy to dismiss. For some, though, that feeling becomes overwhelming and leads to compulsion. In the movie, you see many examples of how an addiction to shopping can become a real detriment to a person’s life. I haven’t ever gotten to that point, but I think that is only because I haven’t ever had the means to. I have certainly gotten myself into some pretty terrible binds from compulsive shopping, though. It just reminds me that if I had the money or the credit to really do severe damage to my life, I would most definitely be capable of doing it. This is the reason why I avoid things like credit cards and bank accounts at this point in my life. I have gotten myself into trouble with them before and I know am the type of person who would easily fall into that sort of trouble again. Another thing that really struck me about this movie was how much I could relate to her descriptions of the uncontrollable urge to shop. I am definitely familiar with that feeling. She talks about what a beautiful feeling it is to hand over a credit card or cash and be given back something you really love; something that makes you feel a little more special than you did before. This, again, relates to the concepts I have discussed recently about the roles of fashion in our lives. I can certainly see how people can get really caught up in trying to keep up with the world of fashion and can cause damage to their lives. Like I said, I have never had the means to do any real damage to my life by way of shopping but I know there will come a time when I do have considerably more money than I do now, and I hope to be able to remind myself of these ideas when that time does come.
Right now, though, I need to completely forget about the concept of shopping altogether. It is simply not something I have the option of doing right now. There are more important places for my money to go: My main fiscal focus right now needs to be on getting my cell phone bill caught up so I won’t have to get concerned about having it shut off again. That is one of the worst feelings one can possibly have, and I don’t intend to have it again. I am absolutely determined to get that caught up as soon as I possibly can. I haven’t got that much time left here, and I have plenty of things to be stressed out about in the time leading up to the move. I don’t want my cell phone to be one of those things. I think if I pay an extra hundred dollars over what I normally pay for rent and bills and such this coming paycheck, strictly to go towards the cell phone bill, and then do the same with the following paycheck, that should get it pretty damn close to being completely caught up, then moving forward the bill should be less with the changes in the plan and no late charges attached. I think this will work out just fine. Sure, I’ll be a little broke throughout the month of January but I think it will be well worth it. For now, though, I need to go to bed. It is almost 4am, and I need to wake up at a halfway decent hour tomorrow in order to prepare myself for waking up at my normal time on Monday. I am kind of dreading going back to work, but it’s what I have to do in order to keep the bills paid… I am doing the best that I can.
Speaking of a social life, I have realized recently that the TV show of my life currently only has two sets: My house and my job. I rarely spend time anyplace else anymore. I can’t remember the last time that I went out somewhere or hung out at somebody else’s house even. I’ve hung out with other people at my house, but I haven’t really spent a considerable amount of time outside of those two places in quite some time. Aside from places like grocery or convenience stores, I haven’t really gone much of anywhere. I haven’t been to a movie theater or a mall or anything in probably over a month. It’s kind of unusual for me and I am not sure the reasoning behind it. I think it’s the whole “lack of money” thing maybe. Perhaps I have an “out of sight, out of mind” mentality towards shopping, and want to avoid it at all costs. Sadly, it is unavoidable. It’s everywhere you turn… especially on the internet, where I ordered my Calvin Klein bag and where I keep looking at Tom Ford glasses. Perhaps it is because I feel like without money to burn I don’t have any reason to go out or don’t have anything to offer. That would just be silly, though, and I think if that were the reason I would have figured it out earlier. In fact, I think that if money were the reason I would have figured it out earlier. I kind of fear it may be something much darker. My father suffered from severe agoraphobia when he was younger and, while I know that is not something that is hereditary, I have often wondered if I don’t suffer from a much less extreme case of that. Agoraphobia, as I understand it, is a condition where one becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where they feel that they have little control. There are cases that they call “Social Agoraphobia,” where a person has an extreme fear of public embarrassment or appearing distraught or panicked in public. I don’t really think that is something that I have, per se. I am not overly concerned about social embarrassment, in general. My issue is more of a feeling of being out of place or unwanted in social situations. I often find myself paranoid that people are talking about me or not wanting me around when I am there. I don’t know where this stems from, especially considering I am actually really good in social situations. It is just something I have always felt. Not the paranoia so much, but the feeling out of place or unwelcome. It’s never been something crippling to me in any way… that I know of. I just sometimes wonder if these periods where I don’t go anywhere, aside from work, may have something to do with that subconsciously. This is nothing but an idea in my head, though, and probably not a very good one.
So, when my Mom got home I told her about the text message from Sprint and that I thought it may be a better idea to just eat something at home instead, which she agreed to. I also decided to make a call to Sprint to see if there was anything that could be done to avoid an interruption in service before I get paid next week and can pay the bill. I have heard a lot of people recently, as well as over the years, bitch and complain about Sprint and their customer service. I’m not sure where that is coming from because I have been a customer with Sprint for about 5 years now and have had nothing but pleasant experiences with them anytime I have had to deal with them. Today was no different. I called them, told them the situation and that I wouldn’t be able to pay until next Friday, and they were completely nice about it and gave me an extension to ensure that I wouldn’t be shut off between now and then. They also helped me out with changing the plan for my second line, my Mom’s phone, in order to try and lower our monthly charges. Now it is just a matter of getting the bill caught up so there won’t be a late charge attached every month. It just sucks because I have never had a problem keeping my phone bill paid on time until now. Of course, the major change that took place was my Mom losing her job and adding a line for her. That made my bill considerably higher, and I had considerably less money to pay out on other bills and such every month. My bills getting higher at the same time as my cash flow getting less equates to me having trouble paying the bills. I am determined, at this point, to get it caught up and being able to just pay on time every month. I don’t think it will be that much of a struggle. It at least won’t be much more struggling than I am already doing. I absolutely hate the fact that I feel like LIFE is a struggle right now. Kabbalah teaches that the only things worth having in life are things we have to struggle for. It also states that struggling is a way for us to connect to the Light. If that is the case, then I am pretty sure that I must have a huge connection to the Light coming my way soon. I think maybe that Light, in this case, is the shine of the sun in California. That is the ultimate payoff I am working towards at this point, and I will struggle as much as I have to in order to get to that point. The struggles I am facing in the meantime are simply serving to make the payoff that much more sweet. I cannot wait.
While I was on the phone dealing with Sprint, my Mom was on the phone dealing with some shit of her own. She was arguing with her boyfriend about something that sounded pretty serious. This, once again, caused great concern for me. If they were to break up before I leave, I don’t know how I would deal with it. I just want to make sure that my Mom is in a place to get by okay without me. In talking about this in the past, I have mainly focused on the financial aspect. There ARE other aspects to be considered, though. I also want to make sure that she is in a good place emotionally for me to go away. That is what I am wanting for everybody in my life. I am pretty sure that my sister and her girlfriend are all set. I haven’t been a whole lot of emotional support to them, anyway, really. Another concern of mine has been Whitney, but with recent events I feel like she, and Nate, are pretty set, as well. There is also my friend Rachel, but she is doing really well for herself at this point, too. Of the main people I care about here, that only leaves my Mom. With things happening for everyone else to ensure they are going to be okay without me, all that is left is my Mom. Of course, she would be last. She is the one that is the biggest concern. Not to slight any of the others mentioned, but she is the only one that could possibly be a game changer for this whole thing. I just couldn’t, in good conscience, leave my Mom here in a situation that I don’t feel could work out for her or make it okay for her to get by without me. The Universe has been setting things up for me perfectly up to this point. It is clear that the Universe wants me to go back to California and find a way to fulfill the prophecy, (of sorts,) it revealed to me. For this reason, I am completely confident that my Mom’s situation is going to be improving very soon. To be even more certain of it, though, I am going to do anything I possibly can to help move that along in the right direction. Hearing her getting upset on the phone with her boyfriend definitely concerned me, though. Having sorted out the whole thing with Sprint for the moment and hearing how upset she was getting, I decided that going out for brunch and a drive would be a good idea to get her mind off of things. Once she got off the phone, we headed out.
We had initially discussed going down to Cracker Barrel, in Bradenton, but somewhere along the way we decided to go to this weird little “Country Buffet” type place there instead. Perhaps it is the elitist snob in me coming out, but I am never very comfortable in those places. This actually goes back to that whole “feeling out of place” thing I discussed earlier. I feel extremely out of place in any establishment with a name that involves words like “Country” or “Buffet.” Still, the food was decent and the meals were only $6.99 each, and $.75 for a drink. We ate there and just kind of talked for a while, and listened to their odd karaoke set up “live music,” while we ate. It is a very odd thing. We had gone to this same place once before and saw the same older gentleman with a karaoke system set up singing old songs about Georgia, (“Georgia On My Mind,” “Rainy Night In Georgia,” etc.) Today he added a few hidden gems to his repertoire, including “Cat’s In The Cradle,” and “Putting On The Ritz.” It’s a silly set up he’s got there, but I can definitely respect a guy of his age still doing what he can to live the dream. I figure if I don’t ever wind up achieving my goals, I could easily wind up being that guy. Thinking about it that way, I feel kind of bad that I didn’t go up and put a little something in his tip jar. Fortunately for me, though, I know that my life is not meant for something like that. I know that there are very big things in the future for me. What I need to remember, though, is that there are a million kids out there who feel exactly the same as I do right now. I have to let that drive me into the depths of myself and force me to push out the something truly amazing that I know is in there; something completely unique and different from what anybody else has to offer.
After leaving the “Country Buffet,” (which is in quotations because I don’t know the actual name of the place, only that it includes those two words somewhere in it,) we decided to drive out onto the keys in town and belt out songs from “Glee” in the car. My personal favorite is Lea Michele’s version of “Taking Chances” by Celine Dion. Of course, I would pick the song that was only featured in the episode for about a half a second. She just sings that song in a way similar to Celine, or the original by Kara Dioguardi’s band Platinum Weird, but really gives it a different vocal spin. I honestly kind of like her version best out of all of them. No matter who sings the song, though, it is one of my all-time favorites. It just feels like such an amazing feat of songwriting. It is really kind of a universal concept but written in a completely unique and beautiful way. I love that song. Another song, not featured on Glee but played in the car today, was “Both Sides Now.” I played the Dolly Parton version, but the song is written by Joni Mitchell and performed by Judy Collins originally. This is what I consider my favorite song of all-time, perhaps tied with “In The Sun” by Joseph Arthur. I just feel like “Both Sides Now” is a song that expressed a universal truth that has never really been conveyed, at least not as well, in music again. “Bows and flows of angel hair, Ice cream castles in the air, Feather canyons everywhere, I’ve looked at clouds that way, But now they only block the sun, They rain and snow on everyone, So many things I would have done, But clouds got in my way, I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it’s cloud illusions I recall, I really don’t know clouds at all.” I really relate to that song a lot in my life. I relate to that song in particular at this point. You see the ups and you see the downs and you think you’ve gotten a handle on it all, but then things happen that make you realize you really haven’t gotten a handle on anything. In the documentary from last year, “Britney Spears: For The Record,” Britney discusses her experiences of fame and celebrity and made a comment that has stuck with me ever since. She said that you can experience the absolute lowest thing you could imagine, a complete hell, but then at the same time you can experience absolute heaven. She said that when you are going through the hell, it feel like, well, hell, but then when you get to that heaven it is the greatest experience you could ever have. Of course, I haven’t had the full experience that she is talking about, at least not in the way she is talking about… but I feel like my life has always been a bit of a dichotomy. I have managed to experience the lowest I could imagine ever getting and I have experienced highs that I would never have imagined experiencing, in many cases at the same time. I just always related to that comment. The thing I understand now, though, is that there is a lot further for me to go in both directions. I understand that the future holds a LOT for me and I have a tendency to focus on the positives in the future, but I do know that there is going to be just as much of the downside in the future for me. I just have to prepare myself for anything. I mean, there really is no preparing for anything in life, but I can at least remain aware that there is a lot more coming.
When we got home, we made a frozen pizza and sat down to a movie: “Confessions Of A Shopaholic.” Aside from being one of the best movies I have seen in a while, (which is saying something because I have seen some great movies lately,) it is also a movie that I found myself relating to far too much for comfort. The main character, Rebecca Bloomwood, is a girl who loves shopping. She talks a lot in the movie about that feeling that comes over you when you see a store window display and see something gorgeous that you want. For many, that feeling is easy to dismiss. For some, though, that feeling becomes overwhelming and leads to compulsion. In the movie, you see many examples of how an addiction to shopping can become a real detriment to a person’s life. I haven’t ever gotten to that point, but I think that is only because I haven’t ever had the means to. I have certainly gotten myself into some pretty terrible binds from compulsive shopping, though. It just reminds me that if I had the money or the credit to really do severe damage to my life, I would most definitely be capable of doing it. This is the reason why I avoid things like credit cards and bank accounts at this point in my life. I have gotten myself into trouble with them before and I know am the type of person who would easily fall into that sort of trouble again. Another thing that really struck me about this movie was how much I could relate to her descriptions of the uncontrollable urge to shop. I am definitely familiar with that feeling. She talks about what a beautiful feeling it is to hand over a credit card or cash and be given back something you really love; something that makes you feel a little more special than you did before. This, again, relates to the concepts I have discussed recently about the roles of fashion in our lives. I can certainly see how people can get really caught up in trying to keep up with the world of fashion and can cause damage to their lives. Like I said, I have never had the means to do any real damage to my life by way of shopping but I know there will come a time when I do have considerably more money than I do now, and I hope to be able to remind myself of these ideas when that time does come.
Right now, though, I need to completely forget about the concept of shopping altogether. It is simply not something I have the option of doing right now. There are more important places for my money to go: My main fiscal focus right now needs to be on getting my cell phone bill caught up so I won’t have to get concerned about having it shut off again. That is one of the worst feelings one can possibly have, and I don’t intend to have it again. I am absolutely determined to get that caught up as soon as I possibly can. I haven’t got that much time left here, and I have plenty of things to be stressed out about in the time leading up to the move. I don’t want my cell phone to be one of those things. I think if I pay an extra hundred dollars over what I normally pay for rent and bills and such this coming paycheck, strictly to go towards the cell phone bill, and then do the same with the following paycheck, that should get it pretty damn close to being completely caught up, then moving forward the bill should be less with the changes in the plan and no late charges attached. I think this will work out just fine. Sure, I’ll be a little broke throughout the month of January but I think it will be well worth it. For now, though, I need to go to bed. It is almost 4am, and I need to wake up at a halfway decent hour tomorrow in order to prepare myself for waking up at my normal time on Monday. I am kind of dreading going back to work, but it’s what I have to do in order to keep the bills paid… I am doing the best that I can.
Saturday, January 2
Chapter 57: Weightless
So, we are now one whole day into a new year, and a new decade. It’s off to a pretty good start, too. Today was a very lazy day. After being up until about 7:30am last night, I didn’t wake up today until around 2:30pm. That’s definitely not a good thing, but it felt pretty good to me at the time. I actually woke up around 11:30am, but then went out to the living room and fell back to sleep on the couch for 3 more hours. It wasn’t one of those things where I was disillusioned enough to actually think I was going to stay awake at that point. Why I decided to go out to the living room to go back to sleep, I’ll never know. I woke up to the sound of a Golden Girls rerun. My Mom was over on the other couch doing something on her laptop and watching TV. After I brushed my teeth and such, we spent a good few hours just sitting around watching this Golden Girls marathon on We for a few hours. The Golden Girls is one of those shows that I have seen every single episode of, but still laugh at it like it’s brand new to me.
A little later we decided to watch a couple of the quirky indie movies on the DVR, “Flakes” and “Pizza” both of which I had watched, and discussed in this blog, previously. They were both just as good, if not better, the second time around. My Mom was particularly fond of “Pizza.” After that we decided to go down to Blockbuster and pick up some of their 3 for $20 previously viewed DVDs, because I have been waiting forever to buy “Bruno” and just hadn’t yet. I also picked up “Confessions Of A Shopaholic,” which I have yet to see, and this movie called “Spread” with Ashton Kutcher as some sort of male prostitute and Anne Heche as some rich cougar dealing with him. I don’t know exactly, but I had heard from a few different places that it was really good and, as annoying as he may be, I am kind of into Ashton Kutcher. I am into looking at him, anyway. Worth a shot, I say. We watched “Bruno” when we got home. I saw the movie in theaters and absolutely loved it. I have been a huge fan of Sascha Baron Cohen since back in his Ali G days, and he has only gotten better since then. I thought “Borat” was pure genius start to finish, and I actually liked “Bruno” even better. It wasn’t ass laugh out loud funny from start to finish as “Borat,” but I think it made a much bigger, more interesting statement and kind of told more of a story. Plus, Sascha Baron Cohen is really sexy, and in various states of undress, as Bruno. Sascha Baron Cohen is really sexy in general but not normally near as naked. I appreciate that kind of nudity… and, you know, dedication to your craft. Yeah, that’s it.
I have actually been finding myself being exceptionally perverted lately. Not perverted, actually. That isn’t the right word. I have just had sex on the brain a lot lately. I’ve been downloading porn quite a bit more frequently than I normally do and, to be frank, doing what one does when they download porn more frequently lately. It’s kind of awkward for me to talk about things of that nature because I try to remain aware of the thought I put into people’s heads about myself, but I also said when I started this blog that I wouldn’t censor myself in any way and I haven’t. At least, I wouldn’t censor myself in reference to anything relating to me. There have been things where I have referred to specific people as “a friend” because the situation of theirs that I am talking about is not my story to tell people and it just wouldn’t be right. I really have no idea, beyond a few specific people who have told me, who exactly is reading this blog. It doesn’t have a view count or anything like that, so I don’t really know that ANYONE is reading it. There are people in my life who have brought up things that I had only really mentioned in the blog, so I know it IS being read, but I don’t know anything beyond that. As I have stated many times previously, though, that isn’t the purpose of the blog, anyway. In any sense, because I have no idea who is reading the blog, it seems like it would be wrong of me to share details about other people, but I set the rule for myself that it was 100% honesty and openness when talking about myself… even when it comes to things that feel kind of awkward to talk about, like masturbation. I wouldn’t say I have been doing it excessively or anything, but I have been doing it more frequently than I usually do. Maybe it has something to do with having more time on my hands lately. The pervert/comedian side of me just thought, “Yeah, time’s not all you’ve got on your hands!” I don’t know what it is. I have no qualms with admitting, it has been a very long time since I have had sex. That is kind of by choice, honestly, as there have been quite a few different situations in the time that has passed that easily could have led to it, and situations that I kind of wanted to lead to it. There has just been something in my head since the last time that is saying, “No, don’t do it.” I trust in my instincts, and if there is something in me telling me not to pursue things I’m not going to. After all, I can serve the basic needs involved on my own. I wouldn’t say that I am one of those people who will develop an emotional attachment to someone after having sex, but it definitely leads me to a different emotional space. Not in reference to the other person, but in reference to myself. I don’t know how to explain that exactly, but I just get into a different headspace. It’s not necessarily a bad headspace, either, but it is one that I don’t have any desire or need to be in at this point in my life. I need to keep my focus on the future and making my dreams come true. Once I get there, I can think about sex and relationships and stuff… In the meantime, though, I’ve got the tools that I need to get me by.
Even though we are only one full day into 2010, it already feels considerably different than 2009 to me. I was listening to this song by All Time Low, called “Weightless” and have decided that it is my 2010 theme. “Maybe it’s not my weekend but it’s going to be my year, and I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass while I go nowhere, and this is my reaction to everything I feel, cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t want to waste another minute here.” That is exactly how I am feeling right now. I don’t want to waste another minute of the time that I have left here, and I don’t want to waste a minute more than I need to here. I think the fact that it is 2010 already has really got me feeling, more than I already did, that it is time to really start putting things into motion. I think the first step I need to take is securing a place to stay in California. That means getting in touch with my Uncle. I found out that the number I called last weekend was actually my OTHER Uncle’s number. So, the Uncle I am trying to reach will likely get the message, but there is no telling when. I said last weekend that if I hadn’t heard from him by this weekend, I would send him an email. Well, the new weekend is here and I have yet to hear from him. I will send the email tomorrow or Sunday. I don’t know why I am so nervous about the whole thing. I told my Mom that I was feeling really nervous about asking him to stay with him, and she said that it was silly and there was no need to be nervous. This Uncle told her last time she saw him that I was always welcome to stay with them should I need. Also, a couple months ago when we saw my Grandma, she told me that my Uncle had told her the same thing just recently. I really can’t foresee him turning me down or anything, and my Mom said the same thing. When I told her that I felt like it was a lot to ask she said she didn’t really think it was and she was sure that he wouldn’t think so, either. I’m sure it’ll be perfectly fine. It is just a matter of actually doing it. The next step, after that is settled, will be sorting out the logistics of getting all of my stuff there and what kind of money will be needed for that. I have already devised one plan for having the cash to get there. I am going to not file my taxes until late March or early April so I can get my return shortly before the move takes place and can put that money towards it. I am going to have my Mom calculate how much my return will be using my last paycheck for 2009, then from there will devise a plan for coming up with any cash I may need over that amount. I am hoping to be able to have a small chunk of cash for once I get there because I know I won’t be able to find a job immediately. I also need to work on getting my driver’s license in the next 5 months, so I can hopefully sort out a way to get a car not too long after I get there. Like I said before, my Uncle does a LOT of mechanic work and always seems to have cars around his house that he is working on, or at least knows where to go to get a decent deal on a decent car. So, hopefully that will be something that won’t be too difficult to deal with once I am there. If I don’t have a license before going, though, it will make the whole process a lot more complicated. That is definitely something that I need to get figured out before leaving. I don’t necessarily need to be an expert before I go, but I need to know it well enough to pass the driver’s test and get licensed. Actually getting good at it can be sorted out by way of practicing, which I can certainly do more of once I get there. I think it would just be for the best to actually get a license before leaving. That gives me approximately five months to learn. That should be plenty of time, I would think. I would hope, anyway. I just need to get my ass in gear and actually start working on it.
Like I said, now that it is actually 2010, all of this feels considerably more urgent than it did before. What also feels more urgent to me is spending time with the people here while I still can. It just suddenly seems like there is really NOT all that much time left to handle all of this. It is so funny, too, because the past month or so has felt like there is all the time in the world for these things. In fact, it felt kind of like there was far too much time. Everything seems so close now. It still seems like a long time to wait to actually make the move, but it also seems like the major preparations to make in order to do it could take a while and I need to get started on them ASAP if I actually want to get them done. I also need to see if my Mom is going to be in a good position by May. I don’t know what I can do to help change things for her, but I need to figure it out and do it. As strange as it may seem, I feel like the original concept she had come up with of moving in with her boyfriend would be the best solution. I don’t know how likely that is at this point, though. We’ll see. I really do hate the idea of her living alone, though. I don’t know, though, it may actually be a good thing for her. She has never actually had the opportunity to live alone in her entire life and it could work out well for her. I think I just hate the idea of it for her because I hate the idea of it for me. When I think about me living by myself I imagine I would feel really empty and alone. I am not an alone person, though. Being alone isn’t really a good thing for me. I am a person who is always at my best with an audience of some sort, be it just my Mom or friends around or SOMETHING. I just am at my best when I am sharing with others. My Mom may actually fare better at living alone than I ever would, though. This is all stuff that will have to be handled before I can leave but I really think that, whatever she decides to do, it will all work out for the best and result in me making it to California successfully and getting to work at making my dreams come true.
I am feeling pretty tired and should probably get to bed soon, but there is one last thing I wanted to discuss before I do. Earlier today I had this thought while watching the movie “Flakes.” Zooey Deschanel’s character, Miss Pussy Katz, is an artist and she earns her money by selling clothing that she hand paints. There is a scene where she moves in with her boyfriend and presents him with a pair of pillowcases that she hand-painted. I don’t know how painting on fabric works exactly, but it kind of inspired me. The picture that I drew recently, the one inspired by Queen’s song “Radio Ga Ga,” would be absolutely perfect to go on a t-shirt or something of that nature. This got me thinking about some of my other drawings and how I could kind of alter them to make cool t-shirts out of them. I don’t have the artistic talents to actually make those sorts of things for myself, but it really got me thinking about fashion design. When I was younger, before dropping out of high school and all, I had thought a lot about trying to go to school for fashion design and it is something I have always had an interest in. I’ve never had the desire or aspiration to be like Karl Lagerfeld or Tom Ford or Donna Karan or Gianni Versace or anything, but even in my thoughts of building a career in music I have always thought of making a side project out of doing my own clothing line. I wouldn’t want to do high end or anything, just affordable fashions that are cool and interesting and make a statement. That is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I just think I could do something really cool, fashion-wise. I don’t want to be Lady GaGa or anything, but I would really like to provide the general public with something more interesting than what is out there in stores like Hollister, Buckle, American Eagle or Abercrombie & Fitch. Those clothes have their appeal, but they just always seem kind of plain and boring. I would like to do something in their price range, but that really makes a statement. This is something I will keep in mind as I move forward in life.
For now, though, the only place I am moving is into my bed.
A little later we decided to watch a couple of the quirky indie movies on the DVR, “Flakes” and “Pizza” both of which I had watched, and discussed in this blog, previously. They were both just as good, if not better, the second time around. My Mom was particularly fond of “Pizza.” After that we decided to go down to Blockbuster and pick up some of their 3 for $20 previously viewed DVDs, because I have been waiting forever to buy “Bruno” and just hadn’t yet. I also picked up “Confessions Of A Shopaholic,” which I have yet to see, and this movie called “Spread” with Ashton Kutcher as some sort of male prostitute and Anne Heche as some rich cougar dealing with him. I don’t know exactly, but I had heard from a few different places that it was really good and, as annoying as he may be, I am kind of into Ashton Kutcher. I am into looking at him, anyway. Worth a shot, I say. We watched “Bruno” when we got home. I saw the movie in theaters and absolutely loved it. I have been a huge fan of Sascha Baron Cohen since back in his Ali G days, and he has only gotten better since then. I thought “Borat” was pure genius start to finish, and I actually liked “Bruno” even better. It wasn’t ass laugh out loud funny from start to finish as “Borat,” but I think it made a much bigger, more interesting statement and kind of told more of a story. Plus, Sascha Baron Cohen is really sexy, and in various states of undress, as Bruno. Sascha Baron Cohen is really sexy in general but not normally near as naked. I appreciate that kind of nudity… and, you know, dedication to your craft. Yeah, that’s it.
I have actually been finding myself being exceptionally perverted lately. Not perverted, actually. That isn’t the right word. I have just had sex on the brain a lot lately. I’ve been downloading porn quite a bit more frequently than I normally do and, to be frank, doing what one does when they download porn more frequently lately. It’s kind of awkward for me to talk about things of that nature because I try to remain aware of the thought I put into people’s heads about myself, but I also said when I started this blog that I wouldn’t censor myself in any way and I haven’t. At least, I wouldn’t censor myself in reference to anything relating to me. There have been things where I have referred to specific people as “a friend” because the situation of theirs that I am talking about is not my story to tell people and it just wouldn’t be right. I really have no idea, beyond a few specific people who have told me, who exactly is reading this blog. It doesn’t have a view count or anything like that, so I don’t really know that ANYONE is reading it. There are people in my life who have brought up things that I had only really mentioned in the blog, so I know it IS being read, but I don’t know anything beyond that. As I have stated many times previously, though, that isn’t the purpose of the blog, anyway. In any sense, because I have no idea who is reading the blog, it seems like it would be wrong of me to share details about other people, but I set the rule for myself that it was 100% honesty and openness when talking about myself… even when it comes to things that feel kind of awkward to talk about, like masturbation. I wouldn’t say I have been doing it excessively or anything, but I have been doing it more frequently than I usually do. Maybe it has something to do with having more time on my hands lately. The pervert/comedian side of me just thought, “Yeah, time’s not all you’ve got on your hands!” I don’t know what it is. I have no qualms with admitting, it has been a very long time since I have had sex. That is kind of by choice, honestly, as there have been quite a few different situations in the time that has passed that easily could have led to it, and situations that I kind of wanted to lead to it. There has just been something in my head since the last time that is saying, “No, don’t do it.” I trust in my instincts, and if there is something in me telling me not to pursue things I’m not going to. After all, I can serve the basic needs involved on my own. I wouldn’t say that I am one of those people who will develop an emotional attachment to someone after having sex, but it definitely leads me to a different emotional space. Not in reference to the other person, but in reference to myself. I don’t know how to explain that exactly, but I just get into a different headspace. It’s not necessarily a bad headspace, either, but it is one that I don’t have any desire or need to be in at this point in my life. I need to keep my focus on the future and making my dreams come true. Once I get there, I can think about sex and relationships and stuff… In the meantime, though, I’ve got the tools that I need to get me by.
Even though we are only one full day into 2010, it already feels considerably different than 2009 to me. I was listening to this song by All Time Low, called “Weightless” and have decided that it is my 2010 theme. “Maybe it’s not my weekend but it’s going to be my year, and I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass while I go nowhere, and this is my reaction to everything I feel, cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t want to waste another minute here.” That is exactly how I am feeling right now. I don’t want to waste another minute of the time that I have left here, and I don’t want to waste a minute more than I need to here. I think the fact that it is 2010 already has really got me feeling, more than I already did, that it is time to really start putting things into motion. I think the first step I need to take is securing a place to stay in California. That means getting in touch with my Uncle. I found out that the number I called last weekend was actually my OTHER Uncle’s number. So, the Uncle I am trying to reach will likely get the message, but there is no telling when. I said last weekend that if I hadn’t heard from him by this weekend, I would send him an email. Well, the new weekend is here and I have yet to hear from him. I will send the email tomorrow or Sunday. I don’t know why I am so nervous about the whole thing. I told my Mom that I was feeling really nervous about asking him to stay with him, and she said that it was silly and there was no need to be nervous. This Uncle told her last time she saw him that I was always welcome to stay with them should I need. Also, a couple months ago when we saw my Grandma, she told me that my Uncle had told her the same thing just recently. I really can’t foresee him turning me down or anything, and my Mom said the same thing. When I told her that I felt like it was a lot to ask she said she didn’t really think it was and she was sure that he wouldn’t think so, either. I’m sure it’ll be perfectly fine. It is just a matter of actually doing it. The next step, after that is settled, will be sorting out the logistics of getting all of my stuff there and what kind of money will be needed for that. I have already devised one plan for having the cash to get there. I am going to not file my taxes until late March or early April so I can get my return shortly before the move takes place and can put that money towards it. I am going to have my Mom calculate how much my return will be using my last paycheck for 2009, then from there will devise a plan for coming up with any cash I may need over that amount. I am hoping to be able to have a small chunk of cash for once I get there because I know I won’t be able to find a job immediately. I also need to work on getting my driver’s license in the next 5 months, so I can hopefully sort out a way to get a car not too long after I get there. Like I said before, my Uncle does a LOT of mechanic work and always seems to have cars around his house that he is working on, or at least knows where to go to get a decent deal on a decent car. So, hopefully that will be something that won’t be too difficult to deal with once I am there. If I don’t have a license before going, though, it will make the whole process a lot more complicated. That is definitely something that I need to get figured out before leaving. I don’t necessarily need to be an expert before I go, but I need to know it well enough to pass the driver’s test and get licensed. Actually getting good at it can be sorted out by way of practicing, which I can certainly do more of once I get there. I think it would just be for the best to actually get a license before leaving. That gives me approximately five months to learn. That should be plenty of time, I would think. I would hope, anyway. I just need to get my ass in gear and actually start working on it.
Like I said, now that it is actually 2010, all of this feels considerably more urgent than it did before. What also feels more urgent to me is spending time with the people here while I still can. It just suddenly seems like there is really NOT all that much time left to handle all of this. It is so funny, too, because the past month or so has felt like there is all the time in the world for these things. In fact, it felt kind of like there was far too much time. Everything seems so close now. It still seems like a long time to wait to actually make the move, but it also seems like the major preparations to make in order to do it could take a while and I need to get started on them ASAP if I actually want to get them done. I also need to see if my Mom is going to be in a good position by May. I don’t know what I can do to help change things for her, but I need to figure it out and do it. As strange as it may seem, I feel like the original concept she had come up with of moving in with her boyfriend would be the best solution. I don’t know how likely that is at this point, though. We’ll see. I really do hate the idea of her living alone, though. I don’t know, though, it may actually be a good thing for her. She has never actually had the opportunity to live alone in her entire life and it could work out well for her. I think I just hate the idea of it for her because I hate the idea of it for me. When I think about me living by myself I imagine I would feel really empty and alone. I am not an alone person, though. Being alone isn’t really a good thing for me. I am a person who is always at my best with an audience of some sort, be it just my Mom or friends around or SOMETHING. I just am at my best when I am sharing with others. My Mom may actually fare better at living alone than I ever would, though. This is all stuff that will have to be handled before I can leave but I really think that, whatever she decides to do, it will all work out for the best and result in me making it to California successfully and getting to work at making my dreams come true.
I am feeling pretty tired and should probably get to bed soon, but there is one last thing I wanted to discuss before I do. Earlier today I had this thought while watching the movie “Flakes.” Zooey Deschanel’s character, Miss Pussy Katz, is an artist and she earns her money by selling clothing that she hand paints. There is a scene where she moves in with her boyfriend and presents him with a pair of pillowcases that she hand-painted. I don’t know how painting on fabric works exactly, but it kind of inspired me. The picture that I drew recently, the one inspired by Queen’s song “Radio Ga Ga,” would be absolutely perfect to go on a t-shirt or something of that nature. This got me thinking about some of my other drawings and how I could kind of alter them to make cool t-shirts out of them. I don’t have the artistic talents to actually make those sorts of things for myself, but it really got me thinking about fashion design. When I was younger, before dropping out of high school and all, I had thought a lot about trying to go to school for fashion design and it is something I have always had an interest in. I’ve never had the desire or aspiration to be like Karl Lagerfeld or Tom Ford or Donna Karan or Gianni Versace or anything, but even in my thoughts of building a career in music I have always thought of making a side project out of doing my own clothing line. I wouldn’t want to do high end or anything, just affordable fashions that are cool and interesting and make a statement. That is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I just think I could do something really cool, fashion-wise. I don’t want to be Lady GaGa or anything, but I would really like to provide the general public with something more interesting than what is out there in stores like Hollister, Buckle, American Eagle or Abercrombie & Fitch. Those clothes have their appeal, but they just always seem kind of plain and boring. I would like to do something in their price range, but that really makes a statement. This is something I will keep in mind as I move forward in life.
For now, though, the only place I am moving is into my bed.
Friday, January 1
Chapter 56: Brand New Key
This blog is coming a little later than usual because, frankly, it was New Year’s Eve and I had shit going on during the hours I would normally be writing the blog. We are now officially 6 hours into 2010 and I have to say, I’m pretty into it. I am anticipating a much better year than 2009 was for me. Not to say that 2009 was a bad year, per se. It was considerably better than 2008, but nowhere near as good as 2007. It was one of those years that wasn’t amazing, but wasn’t awful. It was just a middle-of-the-road kind of year. 2010, on the other hand, I am anticipating will be an amazing year. I’ve got all my ducks in a row and am slowly planting the necessary seeds to make my dreams come true. Do I expect them to have come true by the end of 2010? Not at all… but I expect to be much closer than I am currently. It was a fun New Year’s Eve. One of the better ones I have had in my lifetime.
It started off with me waking up at 6:45am (and I am pushing 24 waking hours… well, almost.) I got up this morning and got myself dressed and ready for work. I wore this Calvin Klein polo that is black with gray print down the front side, so it kind of matched my new bag. Good way to start the day, I’d say. I gathered up the gift and card I had purchased for my sister’s girlfriend’s last day on our program at work, and presented her with the gift right off the bat. It was this cool little stand that has frames for 12 pictures and spins around. I thought it would be a cool thing for her new office, once she gets it. Then I spent the first part of the morning passing around the card for everyone to sign. We didn’t have a full staff today, since it is New Year’s Eve, but we got everybody there to sign it and she was very happy with it. Work wasn’t overly busy today, despite a few little inconveniently placed spurts of business. Initially, I had said that I would be happy to leave early at 3pm when my Mom got off, but then I found out that my sister’s girlfriend was scheduled for only half the day so I changed my mind to try to leave when she did so I could get a ride home from her. Despite the fact that it looked uncertain for a while, I did wind up getting to leave when she did. Since it was her last day, she was there quite a while longer than usual because she was saying goodbye to everyone. While I waited for her I was hanging out talking to my sister and a couple other friends there, so it wasn’t really a bad wait at all. When we did end up leaving, she seemed very wistful and kind of sad about the whole thing. She had been there, on our program, for nine years. I can’t imagine doing anything for nine years of my life, so I can imagine this whole thing must be very difficult for her. At the same time, though, I think it is pretty exciting for her to be moving into something new and different and taking on a higher level position. I am excited for her, anyway. I don’t know that she seems all that excited about it. I think she is more nervous about the concept of moving into doing something completely different, but I think she will be great at it.
Needless to say, with all of that and so many other things lately, this past week or so has been a very emotional time for me. It’s been very emotional, in all different directions. When I got home from work I kind of spaced out for a little while. When my Mom got home, we both felt pretty drained from the day and the week. I had talked to Nate and Whitney and we’d kind of determined that they’d be over around 7pm, so I had a few hours before they were coming over. I still needed to go buy groceries for the dinner I was preparing, but there was plenty of time for that still. My Mom wanted to lay down for a while and I didn’t really plan on it but I wound up laying down a while, too. Next thing I knew, I was waking up to a phone call from Whitney, (do I like Pepsi or Coke?) and noticing that it was 6pm already. I had to wake up my Mom and rush around to fix myself up and get to the grocery store. Fortunately, on our way to the grocery store, around 6:45pm, I got a text from Nate saying that they were running late and it would probably be closer to 7:45pm-8pm. That worked out perfectly. I picked up all the ingredients for the recipe I had discovered on Google earlier today and got back home with plenty of time to prepare and have dinner ready very shortly after they arrived. I had initially planned on making a green bean casserole, per Whitney’s request, and Baked Chicken with a French Fried Onion crust. Turns out, though, Nate isn’t into onions at all and both of these recipes heavily featured French Fried Onions. I found this website, Moms Who Think, and found this really simple, delicious sounding recipe for Baked Pesto Chicken, with Angel Hair Pasta and Italian bread sprinkled with melted mozzarella. After we ate, I totally decided that this was probably the loveliest of the lovely meals I have prepared. It turned out really well and the Pesto Chicken, in particular, was really fucking good.
As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, I believe, Nate and Whitney were coming over for New Year’s Eve. Nate and Whitney also recently became a full-blown, boyfriend-girlfriend, official couple. I hadn’t actually hung out with them since this happened, so I was slightly concerned about the dynamic between the couple and the third wheel friend. I’m sure we’re all aware of how strange it can be sometimes for a single person to hang out with a couple, and a new couple in the euphoria stages at that. Fortunately, that wasn’t an issue at all. It’s pretty normal for the three of us to all hang out together, just like we did tonight, so I’m not sure why I would have expected it to go any differently now that they are coupled. I can’t deny, though, that seeing them so happy with one another and really opening up and connecting with one another does kind of make me start to feel a little, “Ah, I wish I had someone to do that with.” That doesn’t fit into my plans at this point, though, so I dismiss those thoughts pretty easily. Perhaps once I get back to California it is something that could be pursued but here in Florida, that is pretty much out of the question. It would be pretty pointless and would only serve as a distraction from my real goals. My focus is in one place and one place only: Music. That is where it has to stay right now, and likely for the next few years. Still, there are bound to be moments where I think about desiring some sort of companionship. Like I said, though, I dismiss those thoughts easily.
We spent the first part of the evening after dinner watching the movie “Jennifer’s Body.” I was not really in the mood for movie watching so I was immediately kind of put off the movie, but it wound up being much better than I expected. Just based on “Juno” and “United States Of Tara,” I have become a pretty big fan of Diablo Cody and thus had an immediate interest in “Jennifer’s Body.” I was put off by the presence of Megan Fox, who I just really dislike. Perhaps irrationally, but I think she is extremely overrated. Her popularity pisses me off, and I can’t stand interviews with her. She always comes across as completely arrogant, or just a major bitch. This movie also starred Amanda Seyfried, though, who I adore. For being such a severe flop, it was actually a really impressive movie. I love the fact that Diablo Cody took the concept of demon possession and put it in the context of girls in high school. I just find it really funny and fitting because girls in high school often wind up with a form of demon possession: Puberty. It was a really interesting setting for the whole thing and the ending, though it was certainly flawed, was pretty brilliant. After that we watched some of the New Year’s Eve coverage on TV and people performing on the Dick Clark special. Selena Gomez performed with her band, The Scene, and was actually really impressive live. I liked her a lot already, but it is always nice when these young, Disney artists are actually capable of pulling off live performances and such. Much as I love them both, it is a pretty big change from back in Disney’s Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan era. We also watched the movie “Paranormal Activity,” which was the gift I had picked up for Whitney for her birthday last night. I was actually really impressed with this movie, even more than “Jennifer’s Body.” It was not without flaws, of course, and took quite a while to really get interesting but once it did, it was really good. The ending was very interesting, although the DVD included an alternate ending that I thought was considerably better than the one used in theatres. It wasn’t scarier, by any means, but I felt like it made a lot more sense and was a lot more consistent with the general flow of the film. For being such a low budget movie, though, they did a really good job. I also appreciated the fact that the actors really did look and act like regular people. There was nothing glamorous or even overly special about them, but they were really good in their roles. Overall, I’d definitely recommend checking that movie out. I didn’t personally find it particularly scary but I am not general scared by movies much, anyway. I recommend seeing it, though, because I found it a pretty fascinating piece of work.
I got a text from a friend of mine this evening a little before midnight saying that it was a New Year’s tradition to place a coin face down in a window sill where the sun will shine on it and make a wish at midnight. Me, Whitney and Nate all decided to do it. I had never heard of this before, but thought that it was a pretty cool concept. My wish? Pretty simple, I’m sure you could guess: It was for everything to work out for me to move to California. My New Year’s resolution? Same thing. Also, getting a pair of Tom Ford sunglasses. That one is pretty multi-faceted, honestly. It’s not as much about getting a pair of the glasses, but about getting myself into a position where I can afford a pair of the glasses. I would also really like to get myself into a shape where I can fit into a lot of the more high end men’s fashions, but I am not making a resolution about that one. Weight is kind of a funny thing for me, really, because I am happy with myself as I am. I am well aware that what I have to offer is on the inside, and I like that about myself. I wouldn’t really want to change that. My weight is okay by me. The main, if not only, reason I have any desire to change it is for fashion purposes. If I lost 3-4 pant sizes, even, I would be in a size that would make designer clothing infinitely more accessible to me. If I lost 6-7 pant sizes, I would be in the perfect size range for most things, I think. I don’t have any qualms with saying that I already dress really well, but if I lost any of those sizes, I would be in a position to dress even better. As I have talked about quite a bit here lately, fashion has really become a bit of a secondary passion for me and is something I would be more than willing to modify my body for. I’d do it naturally, of course, although I am in no way opposed to surgical procedures to help speed up the process. I just can’t afford that type of thing at this point. If I could, I absolutely would go in for gastric bypass or something along those lines. Perhaps that is something I will look into once I am in a position where I can afford Tom Ford sunglasses, but we’ll deal with that when we get to it.
Overall, despite some emotional moments in the daytime, it was a pretty great New Year’s Eve. I was really glad to be able to spend it with two of my best friends here, especially considering it will likely be the last one we’ll get to spend together for a while. After the movies and stuff, the three of us just hung out talking for couple hours, and I think that was my favorite part. I love those guys, and it is always a pleasure and a privilege to just spend a little time getting to see other sides of each other. I am going to miss them once I am out of here. Of course, visits will take place and such later on but I am really going to try my best to make the most of the time I have left with them, and all of my other friends and family here, before I head off to a new life. Like I said earlier, I am really anticipating 2010 being an amazing year. There will be a lot of changes and a lot of hurdles to jump, but I just have the feeling like this year is going to be one of the best I will have. I am really excited to be starting it off already. It is now 7:30am, though, and I should be getting to bed. In spite of my mini-nap earlier, I am pretty damn exhausted and have a hangover from hell to look forward to tomorrow. It shouldn’t be too bad. I tend to be pretty fortunate in the hangover department and tend not to get too many of them. Here’s hoping tomorrow will continue that tradition! Happy New Year!
It started off with me waking up at 6:45am (and I am pushing 24 waking hours… well, almost.) I got up this morning and got myself dressed and ready for work. I wore this Calvin Klein polo that is black with gray print down the front side, so it kind of matched my new bag. Good way to start the day, I’d say. I gathered up the gift and card I had purchased for my sister’s girlfriend’s last day on our program at work, and presented her with the gift right off the bat. It was this cool little stand that has frames for 12 pictures and spins around. I thought it would be a cool thing for her new office, once she gets it. Then I spent the first part of the morning passing around the card for everyone to sign. We didn’t have a full staff today, since it is New Year’s Eve, but we got everybody there to sign it and she was very happy with it. Work wasn’t overly busy today, despite a few little inconveniently placed spurts of business. Initially, I had said that I would be happy to leave early at 3pm when my Mom got off, but then I found out that my sister’s girlfriend was scheduled for only half the day so I changed my mind to try to leave when she did so I could get a ride home from her. Despite the fact that it looked uncertain for a while, I did wind up getting to leave when she did. Since it was her last day, she was there quite a while longer than usual because she was saying goodbye to everyone. While I waited for her I was hanging out talking to my sister and a couple other friends there, so it wasn’t really a bad wait at all. When we did end up leaving, she seemed very wistful and kind of sad about the whole thing. She had been there, on our program, for nine years. I can’t imagine doing anything for nine years of my life, so I can imagine this whole thing must be very difficult for her. At the same time, though, I think it is pretty exciting for her to be moving into something new and different and taking on a higher level position. I am excited for her, anyway. I don’t know that she seems all that excited about it. I think she is more nervous about the concept of moving into doing something completely different, but I think she will be great at it.
Needless to say, with all of that and so many other things lately, this past week or so has been a very emotional time for me. It’s been very emotional, in all different directions. When I got home from work I kind of spaced out for a little while. When my Mom got home, we both felt pretty drained from the day and the week. I had talked to Nate and Whitney and we’d kind of determined that they’d be over around 7pm, so I had a few hours before they were coming over. I still needed to go buy groceries for the dinner I was preparing, but there was plenty of time for that still. My Mom wanted to lay down for a while and I didn’t really plan on it but I wound up laying down a while, too. Next thing I knew, I was waking up to a phone call from Whitney, (do I like Pepsi or Coke?) and noticing that it was 6pm already. I had to wake up my Mom and rush around to fix myself up and get to the grocery store. Fortunately, on our way to the grocery store, around 6:45pm, I got a text from Nate saying that they were running late and it would probably be closer to 7:45pm-8pm. That worked out perfectly. I picked up all the ingredients for the recipe I had discovered on Google earlier today and got back home with plenty of time to prepare and have dinner ready very shortly after they arrived. I had initially planned on making a green bean casserole, per Whitney’s request, and Baked Chicken with a French Fried Onion crust. Turns out, though, Nate isn’t into onions at all and both of these recipes heavily featured French Fried Onions. I found this website, Moms Who Think, and found this really simple, delicious sounding recipe for Baked Pesto Chicken, with Angel Hair Pasta and Italian bread sprinkled with melted mozzarella. After we ate, I totally decided that this was probably the loveliest of the lovely meals I have prepared. It turned out really well and the Pesto Chicken, in particular, was really fucking good.
As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, I believe, Nate and Whitney were coming over for New Year’s Eve. Nate and Whitney also recently became a full-blown, boyfriend-girlfriend, official couple. I hadn’t actually hung out with them since this happened, so I was slightly concerned about the dynamic between the couple and the third wheel friend. I’m sure we’re all aware of how strange it can be sometimes for a single person to hang out with a couple, and a new couple in the euphoria stages at that. Fortunately, that wasn’t an issue at all. It’s pretty normal for the three of us to all hang out together, just like we did tonight, so I’m not sure why I would have expected it to go any differently now that they are coupled. I can’t deny, though, that seeing them so happy with one another and really opening up and connecting with one another does kind of make me start to feel a little, “Ah, I wish I had someone to do that with.” That doesn’t fit into my plans at this point, though, so I dismiss those thoughts pretty easily. Perhaps once I get back to California it is something that could be pursued but here in Florida, that is pretty much out of the question. It would be pretty pointless and would only serve as a distraction from my real goals. My focus is in one place and one place only: Music. That is where it has to stay right now, and likely for the next few years. Still, there are bound to be moments where I think about desiring some sort of companionship. Like I said, though, I dismiss those thoughts easily.
We spent the first part of the evening after dinner watching the movie “Jennifer’s Body.” I was not really in the mood for movie watching so I was immediately kind of put off the movie, but it wound up being much better than I expected. Just based on “Juno” and “United States Of Tara,” I have become a pretty big fan of Diablo Cody and thus had an immediate interest in “Jennifer’s Body.” I was put off by the presence of Megan Fox, who I just really dislike. Perhaps irrationally, but I think she is extremely overrated. Her popularity pisses me off, and I can’t stand interviews with her. She always comes across as completely arrogant, or just a major bitch. This movie also starred Amanda Seyfried, though, who I adore. For being such a severe flop, it was actually a really impressive movie. I love the fact that Diablo Cody took the concept of demon possession and put it in the context of girls in high school. I just find it really funny and fitting because girls in high school often wind up with a form of demon possession: Puberty. It was a really interesting setting for the whole thing and the ending, though it was certainly flawed, was pretty brilliant. After that we watched some of the New Year’s Eve coverage on TV and people performing on the Dick Clark special. Selena Gomez performed with her band, The Scene, and was actually really impressive live. I liked her a lot already, but it is always nice when these young, Disney artists are actually capable of pulling off live performances and such. Much as I love them both, it is a pretty big change from back in Disney’s Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan era. We also watched the movie “Paranormal Activity,” which was the gift I had picked up for Whitney for her birthday last night. I was actually really impressed with this movie, even more than “Jennifer’s Body.” It was not without flaws, of course, and took quite a while to really get interesting but once it did, it was really good. The ending was very interesting, although the DVD included an alternate ending that I thought was considerably better than the one used in theatres. It wasn’t scarier, by any means, but I felt like it made a lot more sense and was a lot more consistent with the general flow of the film. For being such a low budget movie, though, they did a really good job. I also appreciated the fact that the actors really did look and act like regular people. There was nothing glamorous or even overly special about them, but they were really good in their roles. Overall, I’d definitely recommend checking that movie out. I didn’t personally find it particularly scary but I am not general scared by movies much, anyway. I recommend seeing it, though, because I found it a pretty fascinating piece of work.
I got a text from a friend of mine this evening a little before midnight saying that it was a New Year’s tradition to place a coin face down in a window sill where the sun will shine on it and make a wish at midnight. Me, Whitney and Nate all decided to do it. I had never heard of this before, but thought that it was a pretty cool concept. My wish? Pretty simple, I’m sure you could guess: It was for everything to work out for me to move to California. My New Year’s resolution? Same thing. Also, getting a pair of Tom Ford sunglasses. That one is pretty multi-faceted, honestly. It’s not as much about getting a pair of the glasses, but about getting myself into a position where I can afford a pair of the glasses. I would also really like to get myself into a shape where I can fit into a lot of the more high end men’s fashions, but I am not making a resolution about that one. Weight is kind of a funny thing for me, really, because I am happy with myself as I am. I am well aware that what I have to offer is on the inside, and I like that about myself. I wouldn’t really want to change that. My weight is okay by me. The main, if not only, reason I have any desire to change it is for fashion purposes. If I lost 3-4 pant sizes, even, I would be in a size that would make designer clothing infinitely more accessible to me. If I lost 6-7 pant sizes, I would be in the perfect size range for most things, I think. I don’t have any qualms with saying that I already dress really well, but if I lost any of those sizes, I would be in a position to dress even better. As I have talked about quite a bit here lately, fashion has really become a bit of a secondary passion for me and is something I would be more than willing to modify my body for. I’d do it naturally, of course, although I am in no way opposed to surgical procedures to help speed up the process. I just can’t afford that type of thing at this point. If I could, I absolutely would go in for gastric bypass or something along those lines. Perhaps that is something I will look into once I am in a position where I can afford Tom Ford sunglasses, but we’ll deal with that when we get to it.
Overall, despite some emotional moments in the daytime, it was a pretty great New Year’s Eve. I was really glad to be able to spend it with two of my best friends here, especially considering it will likely be the last one we’ll get to spend together for a while. After the movies and stuff, the three of us just hung out talking for couple hours, and I think that was my favorite part. I love those guys, and it is always a pleasure and a privilege to just spend a little time getting to see other sides of each other. I am going to miss them once I am out of here. Of course, visits will take place and such later on but I am really going to try my best to make the most of the time I have left with them, and all of my other friends and family here, before I head off to a new life. Like I said earlier, I am really anticipating 2010 being an amazing year. There will be a lot of changes and a lot of hurdles to jump, but I just have the feeling like this year is going to be one of the best I will have. I am really excited to be starting it off already. It is now 7:30am, though, and I should be getting to bed. In spite of my mini-nap earlier, I am pretty damn exhausted and have a hangover from hell to look forward to tomorrow. It shouldn’t be too bad. I tend to be pretty fortunate in the hangover department and tend not to get too many of them. Here’s hoping tomorrow will continue that tradition! Happy New Year!
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